To feel quite so down about DC’s academics

[IProbablyAmBeingUnreasonable]

I know IABU because I have a lovely child who is healthy and happy. So really this is more about asking for anyone else’s stories and to help to sort my own head out, because it’s really getting me down with worry.

Aged 7, DC is struggling to do well with even the basics at school, and I mean things like copying out short sentences without multiple errors, knowing spellings well at home but then getting less than half when tested, unless watched like a hawk written sentences are just a massive mush of mispelled unintelligible words, maths might as well be a foreign language for anything to do with even basic additions or subtractions. Times tables draw an absolute blank, even the 2’s or 10’s. Concentration is less than zero. Reading is adequate.

School is very small with only about 10 children in the class and a teacher and TA. No concerns about dyslexia or anything else have been flagged which does seem to be consistent with what I see. Last report/assessment showed improvement required in every single area of maths and English.

Conversely I was very academic and I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that the honest truth seems to be that my child just simply isn’t that way inclined. I wonder if the attention and praise I got for getting top marks as a child has perhaps made me absorb a belief that worth and success is somehow tied to that. (I was always the fat unattractive friend too, which I mention because again I always felt that I had academics as my “thing” even when nobody wanted to snog me at parties and when all my friends had boyfriends!)

Homework this morning has been an absolute disaster with zero concentration, total lack of giving a stuff about any of it on DC’s part, sadness and frustration on mine. DH just gets cross with me for bothering about it; he took them to do their homework and it’s even worse when he’s been involved!

I am feeling really worried that they are going to get further and further behind despite the school trying hard. I am very upset about it but also very cross with myself that I seem to feel so deeply disappointed and sad when I am lucky enough to have this wonderful little person in my life. Being brutally honest and shameful, I also feel twinges of jealousy when friends have dazzlingly bright kids.

So, AIBU to ask if anyone else has ever felt this way when a child doesn’t perhaps meet preconceptions or expectations that you didn’t even realise you had? How do you have a word with yourself about something like this, and what should those words be?

What’s your view about her general intelligence in other areas?

Emotionally very intelligent, popular and well liked and always kind to peers. I have zero concerns there.

Art, music, sport are all about average I would say, not brilliant but certainly not struggling with those sorts of subjects.

ADHD/dyslexia. Betcha.

I would get her eyes and ears tested and then ^

Honestly I think it we're honest most of us hope that as well as being happy and social , our children are academic as well. We all know it's nots the bee all and end all but being academic does tend to offer up more career choice than not and there is nothing wrong with wanting your child to have the ability to do what ever they wished in life and being a bit disappointed when you realise that they may not be that way inclined . ( although plenty of kids are late developers and bloom later)

This disappointment will pass and you'll get to a stage where you won't notice it any more. Focus on their strengths and admiring those

You described my daughter at that age. She's got adhd. But eye test first. And hearing.

I have one like this. I remember the absolute hell of trying to get him to engage with anything remotely academic. We’d spend hours to do about two lines of writing and a few sums that looked like a mad scribbler had screwed up the paper and spat it out.

OP, I now have a 28 year old part time sound technician and part time community cafe manager who is an absolute joy. People come up to me unprompted to tell me what a wonderful young man he is, and I must be so proud. And I am.

i have other children who are very academically gifted, but I am proud of them all equally.

Yours will grow into his own person. And although you can’t see it now, it is possible to be very successful without being book smart.

I was thinking potentially ADHD, only because this sounds really similar to one of my friend’s children. For him it’s not that be can’t do it, because when you sit with him 121 he is capable of it (and assuming your son is similar as you say he can do the spellings when at home but then doesn’t perform the same at school), but it’s just that when he’s set a task to do himself and has to complete it himself, manage his time himself like in a lesson to get a piece of work done, he can’t perform that way. He finds it difficult to stay focused, stay on task, manage his time, he just wants the work done ASAP so he can be done with it and never checks it or wants to check it, he rushes through it and that means it’s not his best work. The mish-mash of words you mention also resonates with my friends son with ADHD, he struggled to retain information so when he has a thought he scribbles it out as quickly as he can but this means spelling/words do get jumbled up and done incorrectly. He also tends to rush things because he struggles staying interested, so he either doesn’t do the work as he’s thinking about other things or he rushes through it so that he can then think about/do other things.

There’s also the fact that he may genuinely feel he is trying his best and so if what he does is never good enough then he will start to think that if he gets the same feedback whether he spends 10 minutes or 1 hour on a piece of work, he may as well just spend the 10 mins.

7 is very, very young! Out of my 3 kids 2 are dyslexic and 2 autistic so they all have 1 or 2 diagnoses. The eldest two struggled for the whole of primary school, parents evening was depressing! My eldest children are now at secondary school top sets for everything and regularly getting in top 3 in class in tests. 3rd child is still young, struggling in primary but excellent at reading. I'm not so worried about him now as I know he has time. The best thing you can do for your child is build their self esteem and encourage them to do things they enjoy and thrive at. Also don't expect school to tell you whether they are dyslexic, my experience is that many teachers have a very limited idea of what dyslexia is! However I'd wait at least another year before potentially seeking diagnosis as 7 is so young. Give your child time and self belief!

Others have provided good practical suggestions but just to say that you are not being unreasonable. Don't all parents hope their children will be clever, good at sports, musically talented, sociable, etc? Those are qualities that make life easier and more pleasant and which make it easy as a parent to feel pride in their achievements. I get flashes of jealousy when I see kids of DD's age who can do perfect backflips - don't beat yourself up for having human emotions.

She might be a late bloomer.

Her talents might just lie elsewhere.

She could have some SEND such as dyslexia that the teachers haven’t flagged -‘it’s impossible for strangers on the internet to say! Just keep an open mind and keep discussing with teachers as appropriate is what I’d say

I also agree that 7 is v young, and the best thing you can contribute for her is self confidence.

I think the main thing is that he doesn't feel your disappointment. It'll be hard if you were rewarded for intelligence and it helped form your identity.

One of mine was ridiculously slow to read (whereas I was doing it before school) & spelling was tricky. A few yrs on & they are exceeding although writing is still a bit crap. Despite being very ahead at primary myself by the time I got to secondary I pretty much levelled out.

This ^
My DS the same (my 2 other kids top set everything), school said no signs of dyslexia but I knew something wasn’t right. Private dyslexia test showed moderate dyslexia. I never even thought about ADHD with my DS but now he’s a teen it’s so obvious.
But he is never going to be academic and that’s fine, he’s good at other things (but it did take me a while to be at peace with that).

Get all the tests done and try your best for him but at the end of the day there’s more to life than academia.

I remember struggling with things like spelling and maths around the same age. Language fixed itself mysteriously by the age of 10. I think, mostly because I was allowed to read for as long as I wanted past bedtime as long as I was in my room and in bed.
Timetable I never learned despite best efforts from teachers, parents and grandparents. But as soon as we started on geometry, I was flying. Clearly I have much better abstract thinking abilities than affinity for memorising things. I still don't know times table but I am actually quite good at mental arithmetic. I just worked out a way of doing quick calculations without.
I was not particularly gifted at anything else at that age either but completed an arts degree in my 30s and exhibited internationally. I now run a creative business.
I also completed clinical masters degree and quite enjoy academic research. There is definitely nothing wrong with my critical thinking skills.
What I am trying to say is that some children grow into it later. Don't despair. Scaffold their learning as part of daily life (counting change at supermarket, following a recipe and measuring ingredients, writing birthday cards and shopping lists). As long as you are able to make learning fun and natural, chances are, they will pick things up.

I feel a wee bit tearful now, these are all such good and helpful answers and it’s amazing to hear how much other people’s DC went on to thrive.

It hadn’t occurred to me that I am feeling disappointment in case they don’t get the same opportunities later in life, I was just assuming I was disappointed in DC and beating myself up about it. That’s been a bit of a lightbulb!

It’s difficult as you expect your dc to be like you but then mine have great qualities that I don’t possess!

Try thinking about a reverse situation. A parent who wishes her kid wasn't clever, didn't come top of the class, loved reading and homework and was jealous of parents who had 'normal' children because they wanted a child just like them.

It happens. I don't think you'd see that as reasonable, you'd think that kid was wonderful and want their parents to see just how amazing their child is.

Don't all parents hope their children will be clever, good at sports, musically talented, sociable, etc?

We do but logically how many adults even tick all these boxes? Very few!

Middle Grandson was like this.
Has ADHD.. Only one that went to school( other 3 ASD home educated)
He's just passed 9 GCSE's and just started A levels at college.
Get yours assessed and try not to worry.
Praise their great achievements.
Good luck.

I voted YANBU because you have picked yourself up on these feelings and you are obviously working hard to not let your DC be aware of them.

i think it’s difficult to accept initially that our DC are different from us, have different strengths and weaknesses, and will find different opportunities in life.

Does he enjoy being read to? Does he read by himself? I am such a strong believer in the power of books/ comic strips/ graphic novels to help children develop all kinds of skills.

Mine was similar at that age (diagnosed autism)
We gave up on homework and tried to incorporate maths and English into every day fun tasks
Eg we made a cardboard fort where she had to measure and cut pieces of card, had to count how many she needed of certain things etc. We did baking where she had to count and measure etc
English - we read books together on subjects she wanted. Improved her vocabulary loads! I would also get her to “help” me out by writing shopping or to do lists
She never got bored because she never realised she was learning
She will never be academic but has just passed 7 GCSEs and has gone on to do A levels, something I never thought would happen

My son age 7 was struggling a bit last year and i despaired of him ever sitting down and writing a coherent sentence, even getting him to lift a pencil was a challenge. This school year everything has changed. He gets 9 or 10/10 in his maths and spelling tests every week. I don’t know whether it’s just that he’s matured or his brain is suddenly able to grasp concepts it hadn’t before, or i suspect his learning style and this years teacher’s teaching style are a great match. But yeah your daughter is still young and it’s possible a sea change is coming in the future.

Others have given really helpful suggestions but I just wanted to say my boy (now 12) was very like this at 7. He was way behind his classmates and I had no idea how to help him.
He’s had an ASD diagnosis since then but the supports they put in place weren’t really to help him academically. What did help was time and a bit of maturity. He’s now in his first year at a very academic grammar school and is absolutely thriving. He was just a late bloomer and needed time to catch up.

I have an older boy who was never academic at all and still isn’t but can take apart and put together a computer with his eyes closed and now creates video games in his spare time. His strengths are just different and he’s successful in his own way. Still can’t spell for shit and is likely going to finish school with the bare minimum in terms of GCSEs but I’ve no doubt he’s going to be successful in something to do with computers.