To feel quite so down about DC’s academics

[IProbablyAmBeingUnreasonable]

I know IABU because I have a lovely child who is healthy and happy. So really this is more about asking for anyone else’s stories and to help to sort my own head out, because it’s really getting me down with worry.

Aged 7, DC is struggling to do well with even the basics at school, and I mean things like copying out short sentences without multiple errors, knowing spellings well at home but then getting less than half when tested, unless watched like a hawk written sentences are just a massive mush of mispelled unintelligible words, maths might as well be a foreign language for anything to do with even basic additions or subtractions. Times tables draw an absolute blank, even the 2’s or 10’s. Concentration is less than zero. Reading is adequate.

School is very small with only about 10 children in the class and a teacher and TA. No concerns about dyslexia or anything else have been flagged which does seem to be consistent with what I see. Last report/assessment showed improvement required in every single area of maths and English.

Conversely I was very academic and I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that the honest truth seems to be that my child just simply isn’t that way inclined. I wonder if the attention and praise I got for getting top marks as a child has perhaps made me absorb a belief that worth and success is somehow tied to that. (I was always the fat unattractive friend too, which I mention because again I always felt that I had academics as my “thing” even when nobody wanted to snog me at parties and when all my friends had boyfriends!)

Homework this morning has been an absolute disaster with zero concentration, total lack of giving a stuff about any of it on DC’s part, sadness and frustration on mine. DH just gets cross with me for bothering about it; he took them to do their homework and it’s even worse when he’s been involved!

I am feeling really worried that they are going to get further and further behind despite the school trying hard. I am very upset about it but also very cross with myself that I seem to feel so deeply disappointed and sad when I am lucky enough to have this wonderful little person in my life. Being brutally honest and shameful, I also feel twinges of jealousy when friends have dazzlingly bright kids.

So, AIBU to ask if anyone else has ever felt this way when a child doesn’t perhaps meet preconceptions or expectations that you didn’t even realise you had? How do you have a word with yourself about something like this, and what should those words be?

Some children are not as smart as other children stop looking for a diagnosis. Some children are taller than other children. Do we look for a diagnosis? Humans are different that’s the blessing.

I understand it must be hard. The thing to do I believe is just to give them confidence. Encourage the art, music and sport. Make that as equally impressive as the other stuff. With reading, read to them, do audio books. Much of the skills of learning are about comprehension and inference. That can be learnt by being ready to. Make maths applicable to life. Use cash and get her to count it out. Some kids understand that so much more. Sing music timestable songs.
But big up the non academic stuff. Make a fuss over pictures etc. get her into a team sport. So good for confidence.

My DN was the same (turned out was inattentive ADHD). His parents went to Oxford and really struggled with his lack of academic prowess. He was always below expected attainment. They realised they needed to change tact and focus on everything else as well. He is now 21 made it to uni and is loving his course (politics) and likely to get a first. He can't write but can dictate essays. More importantly he is a happy loving wonderful man.

Agree with the eye/ear test and potential dyslexia. What is she good at? Confidence is so so important as pp have said

can she try lots of activities to find something she’s good at and loves to give her ‘a thing’ and then the academics aren’t the all important?

Yes, totally agree, DS was never going to be top of the class at high school, no matter the diagnosis or support. But the diagnosis opened up support and perhaps more importantly helped him understand that he wasn't stupid or lazy. He has so many other qualities. He's kind, dedicated to his friends and makes friends everywhere he goes. He's independent and adventurous and determined and motivated when it's something he is interested in and good at, like sports and the outdoors.
Understanding adhd helped him understand his strenghths.
Op child may not be ND, but it is important to check that out.

I’m sorry to say you can’t necessarily rely on the school to pick it up. Two kids in my eldest DC class were struggling, school shrugged at suggestions of additional needs but got privately tested and came out as very strongly dyslexic. And with proper help are thriving.

Khan academy is good for maths and it's free too. I've tried a lot of the paid for options over the years but always come back to khan academy.

For literacy you could try getting out some library books and set a 30 minute timer for reading every day. Some series with lots of books: Dog Man, Cat Kid, Looshkin, Bunny vs Monkey, Rabbit & Bear, Billy and the mini monsters, Jolly Rodgers, Captain Pug, Diary of a wimpy kid. You can find out the order of series online and do click and collect at your library.

Yes, very hard.
😕

Your DD sounds very like me at age 7. I'm probably neurodiverse but either way I was a late bloomer. Interestingly so was my dad and so is one of my children. We've all been noticeably behind as young children only to go on to become very academic. Both my dad and I have multiple degrees including a PhD and my daughter just aced her GCSEs. A lot can change. As others have said, 7 is still so young. Just keep reading to her, engaging with her about anything and encouraging any interests.

Agree that 7 is young, however, DD was that age when we got her a tutor because she was struggling in school and falling behind - esp with reading and writing.
We started to be concerned, but her teacher at the time wasn't. But her new teacher in the following year immediately agreed with us when we raised the possibility of dyslexia!
DD is super-bright, comprehension is off the chart, very articulate.
School have put an individual support plan in place, and we are starting the official assessment now to get a diagnosis.
Dyslexia comes in many shapes and sizes.

My friend got her ds a tutor at this age. , The tutor helped with basics and foundations, and explained to child they needed to cover a few bases, and this big of extra effort now would mean they'd fly in later years. The child wasn't convinced to start with, but agreed.

My son is similar, diagnosed with ASD. I was like you and found school really easily academically (not sociably). My son is almost the other way round. It’s been a surprise but I just try to focus on supporting him.

When he was a toddler he was incredibly ill for a long time, culminating in needing surgery. That has put everything else since in perspective for me. Seeing him in pain and barely able to move in hospital and not knowing if he would make it through without long term health issues makes some wonky writing seem pretty inconsequential.

Inattentive adhd is what I thought reading your OP. Get your DC checked out, they cab definitely catch up with the right support.

You what! You rude nasty person. My children all have diagnoses (that they received in primary school around the age of 8/9) and are very happy kids. The only advice I gave was to basically leave it until 8 years old to diagnose, as some kids just need a bit more time and don't actually have dyslexia (my youngest doesn't).

So I have a child who experiences challenges where I didn’t growing up. It’s hard to let them be who they are and not project our hopes/expectations and fears onto them. It’s an adjustment when they develop differently to the child we had in our mind when we conceived! What I find helps is to acknowledge where he struggles and even more to play to his strengths and passions. What does your child really enjoy? Embrace and play to that, whatever it is.

I’m so glad I started this thread today as it has been a real comfort when the weekend’s homework was traumatic.

They have absolutely no trouble concentrating at school, or no more than your average 7 year old, the school says, and can focus very well on a movie or being read to; would be read to for hours at a time if I could do it! But I’m beginning to realise that ADHD comes in many shapes, and maybe talking to the dr would be a good thing.

My profoundly dyslexic son - couldn’t read until he was 9 and was the source of many tears over school, both his and mine - graduated last week with a Masters of Teaching having already completed a BA majoring in Ancient History. If you would have told me this would happen years ago I would have laughed in your face. My other dyslexic son who also struggled big time at school also has a degree and a successful career. I know it is hard when you are in the thick of it but just keep supporting your son and let him know you will always have his back. Lots of cuddles on bad days and having out of school interests help.

Forgot to say the one with the Masters was finally also diagnosed with ADHD last year and the medication has been life changing for him.

She's 7!! Many countries who have excellent academic achieving young people don't even start them at school until 6!
My DS wasn't interested in the slightest at 7. He's now expecting A*AA at Alevels.

I don't think your daughter suits that particular classroom environment. It sounds quite stifling. In a different type of school, she might well blossom.

How is her imagination, does she read, make up stories, role play, sing? What does she do to occupy herself when on her own?

Don't be disappointed, your little girl is only seven and has plenty of time but she needs to be able to develop in her own way.

I'd be trying a tutor

go straight to an ed psych and get a full evaluation.
it will greatly help highlight your child's strengths and weaknesses and give you concrete examples of best to help.

The inattentiveness could be adhd.

I have always felt the same with my eldest. I was very acdemic, top of my classes and great grades, and just struggled massively with the fact that she wasn't in any way similar. I was always worried about her (still am now she's 20!) and it's horrible to watch as everything has always been so hard for her.
She wasn't ever academic and just as you describe homework was always a nightmare for her. Years later and I can still remember the sheer frustration and despair of trying to do basic phonics (took until 7 to master) and maths was so much worse. She just had no basic understanding of times tables, 4 months of trying to get her to understand that 4x5 was the same as 5x4 was a particular low of the primary school days. She also had the issue of not being great at sport or music or anything really, so she always felt awful as she had no talents to compensate for the lack of academics, and she had to watch her siblings breeze through school work effortlessly.
My next two are the polar opposite, could both read by the age of 3, ultra academic and very bright. The honest truth is life is easier for them and always has been. For us it's been an unfortunate fact that the school system is brilliant for the academic ones, but a long struggle with little help if you are at the bottom.
I hope things get easier for your DC and they are just a slow starter, at this stage it could easily change. But if it doesn't fingers crossed that you find a more supportive secondary school than we did.
Sorry for the the negativity, but I know exactly how you feel, and it is hard watching your child struggle. I think it is important to see if there could be anything else going on - my daughter finally got an autism diagnosis at 18 thanks to the far superior support she has received at university. Her schools refused to check for a diagnosis as she was well behaved and very quiet, so we had the possibility completely dismissed.

Doctors won’t diagnose ADHD unless it can be confirmed in two settings: home and school. From what you are saying the school won’t confirm it? I’d get a tutor… and see if you can work on the subjects you’ve listed. We have found our DD won’t listen to us very well (or focus when asked), but her private school have zero concerns. Good luck OP.

Sounds like my son who was eventually diagnosed with Dyslexia and adhd. Don't expect teachers to flag these up. They do not have a clue about SEND (unless they happen to have a child of their own who has SEND)