To say no to visiting friend more often

[Coffeeconnoisseur0]

Wasn’t sure whether to put this in AIBU or relationships and I’m a newbie to posting, so please bear with me while I try and explain the situation clearly…

A close university friend of mine (we are now both 35) and I now live about 400 miles apart. Therefore visits have to be planned in advance but we used to message/VN almost daily and managed to meet up either at one of our homes or in London probably 4-5 times a year. Friend got married at 30, I was a bridesmaid. Friend then had DD at 33 so she is now 2 y/o. I am dating, no kids.

I have never been too fussed in having my own kids, but I love them and have many in my life (nephews, friends kids etc). Understandably when friends DD arrived she had much less time on her hands. In first year of her life I drove to visit them all 5 times and made sure I kept in touch, I never expected instant replies as was very mindful of the fact she had a lot going on and this was a huge life change.

Anyway - friends DD happens to share my birthday. This year, I didn’t attend the 2 year old’s birthday party as I decided to go away for the weekend to celebrate my own birthday with my partner who I had been dating for around 6 months at that time. Friend went absolutely nuts. She said she’d have been there (at the bday party) if it was me, that I was selfish and didn’t understand what it meant to her for me to be there etc. for context me attending would’ve meant not going away as planned, driving 4/5h to the 2y/o birthday party. I sent a card and gift as I have done every birthday, Christmas etc since baby’s arrival. I am not a godparent or similar but I am happy to continue doing this, I love my friend and her DD and will continue to make the effort to stay in touch.

Since my / her birthday, my friend is slow to reply to any of my messages and dismissive when I suggest meeting up, I’ve specifically suggested a meet up just us (and baby!) whereby we can belatedly celebrate but it’s been ignored.

If I am honest my current thought process is that my friend for some reason expects me to change my lifestyle based on the fact she is now a Mum. Whereas I am trying to build my own life and make sure I still have my own fulfilling relationships and lifestyle, because at the end of the day we live hours apart and the reality is we cannot live in each others pockets anymore (we did at uni and for a few years afterwards when living in the same city). I have other friends near me with kids who say I ANBU and that even though I’m down the road from them they’d never place such expectations ok me or any of their other friends, whether child free or not.

I’ve recently been quite vocal about the fact I am not sure I want my own children and friend also seems to have taken this as a personal slight despite the fact I’ve been clear I love kids, I just don’t think I will have any due to some health reasons, my career and the lifestyle I’m building with DP.

I’m hurt by this, I don’t expect things to be how they were before and I also don’t expect them to drive all the way at to visit me with a 2 y/o in tow, which is why I’ve always gone to them more. But I feel I’m reaching the end of my tether with the lack of reciprocal effort and the demands being placed on me specifically with the whole birthday thing (if I always attend her DD birthday I’d never be able to celebrate my own?).

AIBU?! Apologies if I’m waffling here. It’s just been playing on my mind since the birthday ( 1 month ago).

I agee with you, say no to visiting your friend more often.

That's unbelievably entitled on her part. It's your birthday too, you can celebrate how you want. No one should be expected to do all the driving to see friends. I would cool the friendship a little so she has time to reflect and realise her behaviour was out of order. hopefully she apologises and you can be friends again.

She sounds utterly nuts. Cannot understand that the world doesn't revolve around her DD. Since she's taken a step back, I'd give her some space. Maybe she'll come round, but what she's expecting is unreasonable.

That’s pretty weird from your friend. I didn’t even invite child free friends to my children’s parties as I couldn’t imagine they’d want to come!

She’s extremely selfish and you are totally right not to panda to her. Live your life !! You sounds lovely and grounded and very fair. She’s not being fair.

If I am honest my current thought process is that my friend for some reason expects me to change my lifestyle based on the fact she is now a Mum. Whereas I am trying to build my own life and make sure I still have my own fulfilling relationships and lifestyle, because at the end of the day we live hours apart and the reality is we cannot live in each others pockets anymore.

You nailed it with your own comment OP. Some people think their DC are the absolute world to everyone, and everything should be dropped to accommodate them. You are entitled to your own life, and to grow your own relationships. I would definitely step back a bit. Don't visit so often, and don't be the one doing all the travelling back and forth.

Thank you all. My local friends who are parents have said similar to you @TreeCake . And that’s the thing. If I’m honest I wouldn’t enjoy it much and also, would 2 y/o even know I was there?! I suggested a separate meet up which I feel would be more memorable for us all but that went down like a lead balloon.

I think this has been brewing for a while as when I think back to her wedding she was also very demanding - it was overseas and expensive for all involved especially bridesmaids etc and I just swallowed it but there were others who couldn’t afford it and it caused a lot of tension. I am starting to see her as a very selfish person which is sad as we were such close friends for years but I feel as if because our lives have gone in different directions, instead of both accepting that and making equal effort I feel I’m constantly being punished for not being in the same situation as her or pandering to it.

@Royalshyness thank you. That is exactly how I feel, like I have to pander to her to keep her happy!

is this normal behaviour for your friend? Could she have PND? Seems a weird reaction to you not attending the party.

eventally meeting half way for a childfree spa weekend might be a nicer option for you both.

@2Old2Tango thank you. I guess I wanted some reassurance because I am very mindful of the fact I am not a parent so perhaps I don’t understand the importance of some of these events. But (and friend obviously knows this) I’ve had a lot of struggles over the years with relationships etc and finally seem to have nailed that and I feel it’s time to focus on my own life. I would hate for that to mean our friendship is over but I have found her so demanding recently.

This is insane put some boundaries in place as she doesn't respect you. She's gone quiet so this is a good thing. Don't contact her until she does. No visits either.

@TootieeFruitiee i suggested exactly that! When she is up for it. I did question PND myself but it feels such a sensitive topic to broach especially as I am not a Mum myself.

I think for now I will give the friendship some space and see how things pan out.

You are not unreasonable. Friend is very unreasonable expecting you to prioritise her DD. I’d be taking a very big step back

Wow- your friend sounds unhinged. I have kids and also have close friends that dont but I would never expect their lives to revolve around my children in such a way. Thats batshit.

I suppose the question here is- what do you actually want? you've said she's been selfish in the past so maybe its time to really consider if you even want to keep this friendship going. Take an objective/neutral look at her behaviour over the years and consider if it's even worth it. If it is- then I'd ask her what's really going on as she seems upset recently. If it's not then just let it drift and fade away.

Ultimately, friendship has to be reciprocal and it cant be all about only one person's needs/wants as thats not really a friendship at all.

Challenge the behaviour. What would happen if you messaged back and said that you felt she was being selfish? You’ve bent over backwards to visit and connect over the last two years and it’s felt like a one way street. Ask why her daughter’s birthday party tops your own birthday celebration? You don’t have the patience for her huffy text behaviour so will give a bit of space but able to reconnect when things are more sensible.

This is crazy. I don't invite my child-free friends to my kids' parties. You should do whatever you like on your birthday. As if the child cared!

She's very unreasonable if she expects you to spend your birthdays celebrating the birthday of a two year old! That's ridiculous.
I also think you've been seeing her a lot. Nearly all my friends live hundreds of miles away and I see them a couple of times a year.
She should also make an effort to see you without thr child sometimes. I never assumed that my friends always wanted to hang out with my kids. It completely changes the dynamic to have small children there.

@TootieeFruitiee good question. I have been lying awake this morning thinking about just that, what / how would I say it. I am normally fairly up front and say it how it is I guess I just have a gut feeling this might be the beginning of the end of the friendship, which would be sad. I’m going to ponder it today but I think I might follow up this week and call it out in a constructive way.

You just need to explain to her as you have to us that you value the friendship and think the world of her DD but you feel she's being a bit unfair in expecting you not to celebrate your own birthday in favour of her DD's. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. She is and I imagine you'll drift further apart if she continues this way.

@SallyWD absolutely. She never seems to want to do anything without DD anymore, part of me understands but she is 2 now and in nursery sometimes, surely we could meet up for a day at a halfway point or something. But it just seems to all be a one way thing. Thanks for your reply tbh it is good to know that I’m not in the wrong here as I’ve really been made to feel I am

From what you've written @Coffeeconnoisseur0 you've done nothing unreasonable. I get that parents can become obsessed with their kids but I wish lots of them wouldn't expect others to also be obsessed!

OP people change and it's not always for the better. Just because you've been friends a long time, doesn't mean you're compatible now at your current stage of life. It's fine for friendships to run their course, just like romantic relationships can.

Your friend seems to have the idea that now she's a wife and Mother it's all down to you to keep this friendship going. Expecting you to travel 400 miles on your birthday when it will all be about her DC is weird and I can't image her making that journey even once in the next few years. Make new friends Op and get on with your life, she's already quietly dropping you

When my children were small, I struggled a lot in relation to missing my old life. I did love my children, and was (in the main) pleased I'd had them but I really mourned aspects of my child free life.

I had a lovely friend (I still do) who was/is child free. Upon having a child, I found the difference in life experiences really difficult to navigate and also mourned the loss of what the friendship had been. It was even more confusing as I had new friends who I very quickly, developed meaningful relationships either due to new friends shared experiences of child birth and becoming first time mums. This was a further 'mind fuck' in relation to fears about losing or diluting the connection I had with my life long friend. This all sounds quite hyperbolic, but sleeplessness, hormones, major life change all fuelled the angst (which wasn't PND - just normal readjustment to major change).

I have no idea whether or not these insights will shed any light on to your situation, I'm just sharing them in case they do.

I’d concentrate on developing my local friendships . This all sounds like you’re the one making the effort and getting abuse for daring to not go along with it all.

YANBU OP quite frankly she sounds BATSHIT !!