To say no to visiting friend more often

[Coffeeconnoisseur0]

Wasn’t sure whether to put this in AIBU or relationships and I’m a newbie to posting, so please bear with me while I try and explain the situation clearly…

A close university friend of mine (we are now both 35) and I now live about 400 miles apart. Therefore visits have to be planned in advance but we used to message/VN almost daily and managed to meet up either at one of our homes or in London probably 4-5 times a year. Friend got married at 30, I was a bridesmaid. Friend then had DD at 33 so she is now 2 y/o. I am dating, no kids.

I have never been too fussed in having my own kids, but I love them and have many in my life (nephews, friends kids etc). Understandably when friends DD arrived she had much less time on her hands. In first year of her life I drove to visit them all 5 times and made sure I kept in touch, I never expected instant replies as was very mindful of the fact she had a lot going on and this was a huge life change.

Anyway - friends DD happens to share my birthday. This year, I didn’t attend the 2 year old’s birthday party as I decided to go away for the weekend to celebrate my own birthday with my partner who I had been dating for around 6 months at that time. Friend went absolutely nuts. She said she’d have been there (at the bday party) if it was me, that I was selfish and didn’t understand what it meant to her for me to be there etc. for context me attending would’ve meant not going away as planned, driving 4/5h to the 2y/o birthday party. I sent a card and gift as I have done every birthday, Christmas etc since baby’s arrival. I am not a godparent or similar but I am happy to continue doing this, I love my friend and her DD and will continue to make the effort to stay in touch.

Since my / her birthday, my friend is slow to reply to any of my messages and dismissive when I suggest meeting up, I’ve specifically suggested a meet up just us (and baby!) whereby we can belatedly celebrate but it’s been ignored.

If I am honest my current thought process is that my friend for some reason expects me to change my lifestyle based on the fact she is now a Mum. Whereas I am trying to build my own life and make sure I still have my own fulfilling relationships and lifestyle, because at the end of the day we live hours apart and the reality is we cannot live in each others pockets anymore (we did at uni and for a few years afterwards when living in the same city). I have other friends near me with kids who say I ANBU and that even though I’m down the road from them they’d never place such expectations ok me or any of their other friends, whether child free or not.

I’ve recently been quite vocal about the fact I am not sure I want my own children and friend also seems to have taken this as a personal slight despite the fact I’ve been clear I love kids, I just don’t think I will have any due to some health reasons, my career and the lifestyle I’m building with DP.

I’m hurt by this, I don’t expect things to be how they were before and I also don’t expect them to drive all the way at to visit me with a 2 y/o in tow, which is why I’ve always gone to them more. But I feel I’m reaching the end of my tether with the lack of reciprocal effort and the demands being placed on me specifically with the whole birthday thing (if I always attend her DD birthday I’d never be able to celebrate my own?).

AIBU?! Apologies if I’m waffling here. It’s just been playing on my mind since the birthday ( 1 month ago).

🐼?

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Of course the birthday thing is bannanas and super entitled! For context my DD shares a birthday with a friend of mine, her daughters are also friends with my DD. This year for the first time DD can actually have a birthday party on her birthday and of course wants friend's daughters there and friend would normally come too. We had chats about what felt right for her, I offered to have her girls so she could have a date afternoon with her DH etc. A 2 yr old birthday party is absolutely no big whoop and not something you should be sacrificing your own celebrations for and I would never expect that of a friend.

Friendship, requires both parties to nurture it, sometimes things happen that mean one side will take a greater lead in that but eventually things need to balance out. I'm lucky enough to have some friendships that have lasted over 3 decades so far, we've all had times where the other has picked up the slack more because of things happening in one and others life but there has still been lots of love and care there and things eventually even back out. The lack of understanding and empathy about your life choices would make me really question this relationship.

I would be really thinking about whether this friendship has run it's course. But I would be want first to communicate how I was feeling, in a way that was respectful of the years of friendship you've shared, and give her opportunity and for you both to find compromises and a way forward.

🤣 this made me smile on a dreary Sunday !

@Brainworm thank you. That is helpful and this I think is what has stopped me just losing it and snapping back at her. I do acknowledge what an adjustment it must be and I do wonder if she is missing her old life a bit as myself and other mutual friends are doing things she can’t make it to etc. although, I’m in the minority now with being child free!

This is beautifully put. I think OP you're completely reasonable and the birthday issue your friend made was ridiculous, but rather than assume she is a selfish person, I'd think perhaps she's struggling with the changes in her life.

You're right to be setting boundaries and leading your own life, but perhaps give her some time, see if she changes perspective, and still let her know you care.

Unhinged. I share a birthday with two of my nieces – my sister’s daughter and SIL’s daughter. Neither of them have ever expected me to prioritise their birthdays over mine.

Wow-wee, she is unbelievable.

YANBU OP, and sound like a thoroughly lovely person.

It sounds like she's grown accustomed to being the main player in your relationship and is threatened by you wanting to reestablish the boundaries. Keep doing what you're doing, she either adapts or falls away, her choice.

She is batshit.

You deserve to lead your life as you see fit. Spending Christmas etc with them was way very generous of you. Going forward, do as you please.

She sounds very needy and such a reaction to you wanting to spend your own birthday in an adult way .
Hmm I think she's got some thinking to do before carrying on like she is .

YADNBU. Not sure if mumzilla is a thing but sounds like she is one and expects your world to revolve around her DC. That really isn't healthy.

This is mad on your friends behalf. I actually have quite a similar setup in that my best mate in the world lives four hours away, child free by choice and really involved with both my kids. Funnily enough her birthday is only 6 days apart from my DD. I would literally never expect her to attend her birthday party. Why would she travel four hours to stand in a hall with a bouncy castle and forty kids?! We do specific activities with the kids and us to catch up, eg we go to a Christmas show every year and a restaurant with my DD. I also travel to see her child free as it’s important to recognise our friendship outside of me now being a mum. You sound a great friend and totally balanced and sensible in your outlook. Not sure I’d say the same for your friend, that’s totally unreasonable and I say that as someone in much the same position she is.

Well, she’s obviously being unreasonable.

You sound a lovely friend. First time motherhood can drive people a bit nuts though, a bit special first born. On reflection, I think I was a bit in that camp although I never acted on it. I remember being really annoyed that my sons best friend (bear in mind they were only two!) was always away over his birthday as it was Easter weekend. I was really annoyed at the Mum, my friend, for always visiting family that weekend so her son could never come to my son’s birthday party. Looking back, that was clearly a bit nutty! Just to give you a bit of perspective.

What I think would be best, would be to pick up the phone to her. Rather than do this by text.

Wow you’ve done so much already. Wish I had friends who’d drive that distance multiple times in a year to see me and kids. Her expectations are really unreasonable. I hope she starts to see that for her sake!

She sounds bonkers and self centred op. Most Mum's would love an opportunity to escape for a child free get together every now and then and certainly wouldn't subject their adult friends to toddler birthday parties. Grandparents often like to come along to that sort of thing but really other adults don't. Just give it some natural distance. You won't gain anything by trying to explain your feelings to her as she can clearly only consider her own.

And add what you said earlier- the 2 year old wouldn’t care if you were there or not. Not suggesting she is indifferent to you but when presents, games, other children, party food and cake are on offer I doubt she’d notice your absence for more than a minute, if at all.

I’ve read in several places about first time mum’s becoming a bit bats about their babies (even without PND). Your friend might have PND but as she also was a bit of a Bridezilla you might just be experiencing who she is in these new situations - an arsehole.

So, if you do end up drifting because of this, look at it as losing contact with who she has become rather than losing the good friend she used to be. Still sad but maybe unavoidable

Take some power back. She's sulking, let her crack on. She doesn't appreciate the effort you make and just expects more of you. Just stop.

She sounds selfish to me, who wants to spend their birthday with a friend's 2 year old. It's the only time of year to choose what you want to do! I'd be inclined to visit less. Enjoy your life, because life's too short.

You are definitely not being unreasonable about the birthday. I’m a parent and would never expect this of a friend, but I don't think this has anything to do with parents vs child free.

I had a similar experience with a very close friend who struggled with her mental health post birth and became demanding and lashed out. Similarly to you I felt I was being punished because she was unhappy and struggling to adjust to her new life. She seemed to take things very personally, including decisions/choices/thoughts I was making completely for and about myself, but she perceived criticism or judgement in that (cf your choice to be child free).

Unfortunately because we both had young children I didn't have the bandwidth to constructively address it with her and eventually decided I didn't want to be on the receiving end any longer. We're not in touch at the moment.

With hindsight I can see she always had a selfish/controlling streak, but was lots of fun and in the balance of friendship it wasn't more than a mild annoyance. I believe that with parenthood she was struggling with not being front and centre, and I was a target for that rage because I was a close friend, was having (in her perception) an easier/better time & because I wasn't giving her what she wanted/needed.

I wonder if your friend is in a position to listen to you if you directly approach her on this. I would expect probably not and that she may find it very difficult to have any empathy for you (although this is just off the back of my own experiences). Do you think she's likely to take some self responsibility and address her underlying unhappiness? If yes then I'd take some distance but keep lines of communication open. If not then yes, this might be the beginning of the end. If that's the case, I'm sorry it's really hard accepting a friendshop is ending.

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your friend is being batshit.

So you're not allowed to celebrate your own birthday until the end of your days, because you're needed at the birthday at a non-blood child, who won't even know or care whether you're there or not?

If sounds like she's still deep in the baby bubble.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable.
I think reading between the lines, your friend may be in the baby/toddler fog, which is gruelling, and is a little envious of your freedom and lifestyle right now...

God, embarrassing behaviour from the friend!

She’s an idiot, I don’t invite my friends who don’t have kids to my DDs parties, why would I subject them to that!

@Coffeeconnoisseur0 definitely not unreasonable.

Leave her be and see if she comes to her senses.

To share a similar experience I had.

I became a mum relatively late in life and I think of people assumed I just wasn't going to have kids (I wasn't sure either way).

I didn't have much interest in kids and to be honest, I still don't, other than my own.

However, I did the polite thing and showed an interest in other peoples kids. Asked after them, small gifts etc.

I had two separate women, women who I really did not know at all, interpret this interest as a sad old childless spinster wanting to be involved in their kids.

They started sending me photos and updates of their kids that I really had no interest in. Again, I was polite and would reply in an appropriate way.

But they started to expect more and more.

When I became pregnant, they completely dropped me.

These were acquaintances, it really didn't bother me. But it was very obvious they were only interested in me for the attention I could show their child.

Which did make me a bid sad, as they obviously just wanted people to love their kids, but the fact I had no value to them once I was having my own kid was very obvious.

So, in short, people can sometimes behave a bit nuts when it comes to their kids and the expectations of others.