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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to stay with DH

79 replies

Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 18:17

dv trigger warning

I have been with DH 7 years, married 1. The first 6 years were amazing. What I would class as I what I previously didn't believe in terms of real life happiness.

The last year we have both had a lot of stress. I lost my job and was struggling for a while (am main breadwinner) and DH went self employed for the first time. Money flow has been tight but okay. I've been in a new job since which earns well and I love for about 10 months now.

I also had a sudden bereavement which I struggled with and DH has had his mother diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.

We get on very well day to day but DH is quite insular and when he does get annoyed and a row starts it gets explosive. During these times he freezes me out and refuses to talk to me for days or weeks. A lot more backstory but that's the gist. I've struggled to cope with this and therefore sought help from a psychiatrist because of the bipolar. The psychiatrist expressed concerns that he was medicating me to deal with DH, instead of my medical condition.

A few of weeks ago, DH went out with friends and come home drunk - don't mind that, is fine. He went straight up to bed instead of saying hi which I thought was odd. I went up to our bedroom to check on and he was awake and on his phone but slurring. I laughed and asked him to pass me his phone (mine was downstairs and we often use each others) so that could show him this funny video of a drunk husband returning home. He immediately started acting weird, said I can't have his phone, went onto his messages ( li could see this from where I was stood) and deleting them. This raises alarm bells and I asked for the phone again. He said no. I tried to then grab it off him and he shoved me off. He then ran down the stairs and I chased him. I reached for the phone again and he threw his arm out and shoved me away. Then ran into the toilet and locked the door. I ended up with a broken nose and broken foot from his shoves.

I was in shock and slept om the sofa. The next day he said he didn't remember anything. I asked him to take me to the hospital as I could not walk, which he did and dropped me off. I couldn't really process what had happened.

We stayed polite but not really together the next couple of weeks. I then had a telephone assessment with the NHS for my bipolar and disclosed that I was struggling to understand that this fight had happened in about 10 seconds and now I had all these broken bones.

It turns out they then referred this and the police tirned up and arrested DH and took him into custody. I was so shocked. I lied my arse off to the police and all the other services and said I fell, or was nothing to do with DH. They released him after 20 hours.

He's now home. He was so angry to start with because he said I must have told someone something. I've told him it's all been a misunderstanding and I love him.

He seems back to normal now and wants to work at things. I want to too. I know this sounds insane but this is not who he is. I want to give it one last chance.

How do I do this?

OP posts:
Toopies · 05/10/2024 21:22

You go back to the police and tell the truth.
That you lied because you are terrified of him.
That youbare only married a year and want him out.
That is what you do if your daughter is more important.
Have you any idea how many children are orphaned by men like him?

MissUltraViolet · 05/10/2024 21:25

You’re not even telling us the truth. You said he shoved you twice yet you ended up with two broken bones, come on now.

Lie to us if you want but don’t lie to the police. He’s dangerous, you need to leave and he needs arresting….again. Don’t put your DD through this.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 05/10/2024 21:32

Imagining your dd at your funeral should snap you out of this lunacy.....

Original poster
Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 22:13

I'm so sorry. I want to leave but I just can't. Im so alone. I saw my parents tear each other apart, I never thought I'd allow this

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 05/10/2024 22:24

You can. You just decide too. Don't blame anything else on your decision. It is hard but it is doable. Decide to do it. Believe me if I can leave a decades long marriage with no family, job, or money then you can. You have to want to. If you don't want to then own it. You've said you're allowing it. So..

And stop saying sorry to us and say it to your daughters.

PiazzaAndProsecco · 05/10/2024 22:35

So let’s get this straight;

  • he emotionally abuses you by ‘exploding’ during arguments then gives you the silent treatment for up to weeks at a time
  • so much so your psychiatrist has concerns for your health
  • clearly has acted deceitfully enough to literally fight you to hide his phone activity
  • physically assaults you so violently you have broken bones
  • refuses to even stay with you at the hospital whilst you seek medical treatment for injuries he caused
  • shows no remorse during or after any of this
  • then has the audacity to be angry at you for not fully covering/lying about all of this

and there are children involved..

OP, kindly, you HAVE to wake up to the danger he is and find a way to leave before he seriously hurts (or worse) you and/or your daughter(s).

sarahzbaker · 05/10/2024 22:40

You can lie to the police but the worst is lying to yourself.

IntriguingFactJumble · 05/10/2024 22:42

DeliciousApples · 05/10/2024 21:15

I think you both must know your relationship is over.

He's chatting up women or in only fans or something. Which he hides because he knows himself it's wrong. He's obviously not that into you any more.

He shoves you or ignores you. Not nice and not acceptable for a young woman of 14 to see.

I get that what happened may have been an accident when his elbow hit you. However I'm more inclined to think he was out of control and you e been lucky he didn't accidentally push you down the stairs snapping your neck like a twig.

Time to move on. Work out a plan and do it.

Oh and don't lie to the police. They can bring a prosecution themselves if they wish to and you can be done for contempt.

If while you're still making plans to leave, he goes drinking again, I wouldn't be in the house when he gets back. It's too dangerous a situation.

The one thing you gave to remember us what happens to your child if you die? Who gets her? At 14 she could ask to stay with him. I don't know if the court would ever approve this but imagine he treated her like he treated you one night when drunk....

Nope. Time to go.

Please read this OP. Great post. Think it through.

DinaofCloud9 · 05/10/2024 22:43

A broken nose AND a broken foot?

Bloody hell. I'm saying no more, but please reconsider. I've NEVER had a broken bone from a loved one despite being a lot shorter than my partners.

ArdMhaca · 05/10/2024 22:45

Social services really need to be alerted to this

yeesh · 05/10/2024 22:47

He is really abusive, don’t let your daughter live with this behaviour

TurquoiseBear · 05/10/2024 22:50

GreyBlackLove · 05/10/2024 19:44

I'm sorry OP, even before he assaulted you there were clear signs of abuse.

It's not normal to ignore your partner for days or weeks after an argument.

It's not normal for arguments to suddenly become explosive.

It's not normal for a psychiatrist to need to voice concerns that you are medicating as a way of dealing with abuse.

It's definitely not normal to come away from an argument with broken bones.

I know you say you love him, but doesn't his reaction to the arrest - anger over who you might have told - show you that he certainly doesn't feel the same? And that's before you consider the clear signs he has been having an emotional affair. You have a daughter in this environment, that's not ok. For her sake, if not both of yours, please don't continue to allow exposure to this cretin of a man.

This Op.
Re lying to the police, you tell them what you’ve said here. You’re being abused and you lied because you weren’t thinking straight / didn’t know what to do. But you need their help now, to help you rectify that and do what needs to be done to prevent this man doing further harm to you.

Noseybookworm · 05/10/2024 22:51

You were extremely foolish to lie about him injuring you and making excuses for him.

You are extremely foolish if you stay in this relationship. It will happen again and it will get worse.

Would you advise your 14 year old daughter to stay in a relationship where her partner had injured her in this way? Of course you wouldn't! You need to leave now before he hurts you again.

BellesAndGraces · 05/10/2024 22:58

Your poor daughter. You may choose to stay with him but she doesn’t get a choice. The very thought that your child may continue living under the same roof as the man who broke her mother’s house and foot is heartbreaking. It doesn’t matter whether she knows or not, she will find out eventually because the truth has a habit of coming out.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 05/10/2024 23:01

Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 20:28

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be a bad parent. She hasn't seen anything except the freezing out / no contact he does.

If I've already lied to the police to get him out
Of trouble what do I do know?

This is abusive behaviour, so your DD is being exposed to abuse on a regular basis. Would you want her to end up with a partner who did this to her? Because that's the relationship you're modeling to her.

MummyJ36 · 05/10/2024 23:06

As others have said, if in the future your DD had a partner who did this to her would you encourage her to stay? Really think hard about this OP because you are setting the example for her about what is acceptable in a relationship. If you cannot think of yourself, please think of her.

mummytrex · 05/10/2024 23:09

Yabu.

Of course he wants to work things out as he knows that will keep you on side and silent where the police are concerned (ie) no repercussions for him.

He likely cheated (why else start deleting messages etc) and seriously assaulted you and you've decided that is all ok?

I feel very sorry for your daughter. Your job is to protect her instead she is exposed to emotional abuse even if she didn't witness the physical abuse. You've choices, she doesn't. You're being very selfish.

Beezknees · 05/10/2024 23:10

Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 22:13

I'm so sorry. I want to leave but I just can't. Im so alone. I saw my parents tear each other apart, I never thought I'd allow this

Then you are failing your child I'm sorry to say.

I also hope social services do find out and start an investigation. A child shouldn't be living in that environment. Might be the wake up call you need.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 06/10/2024 01:40

Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 19:26

His elbow hit my nose sorry, not his nose

Show quote history

If you push or shove someone away there is no reason your elbow would go anywhere near their nose. He hit your nose with his elbow on purpose, just as he shoved you while standing on your foot and broke that on purpose too. This is a massive escalation if there's previously been no physical violence. But if your relationship had been abuse free till this moment you would have walked. You're reacting how someone who's suffered significant domestic abuse does. He also left you alone on the floor after seriously injuring you, no good person does this to an injured stranger let alone a loved one. There's no care, no remorse or he'd have gotten you straight to medical help. It's chilling to read what he did and I feel scared for you and your DD for what may come if you stay.

YouZirName · 06/10/2024 03:29

Stop being spineless and put your daughter first, unless you want her to end up with this kind of POS in the future.

thepariscrimefiles · 06/10/2024 07:30

Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 22:13

I'm so sorry. I want to leave but I just can't. Im so alone. I saw my parents tear each other apart, I never thought I'd allow this

Why can't you leave? What is your financial and housing situation. You need to contact Women's Aid and make a plan to leave as your DH is a danger to you and your daughter.

Being on your own will be less scary than walking on eggshells when he dishes out the silent treatment and experiencing visceral fear when he turns violent again. Which he will because he's got away with it this time and will feel untouchable.

autienotnaughty · 06/10/2024 07:35

Yes you need to leave
He is violent and it could happen again
It could happen in front of your dd and if she gets in his face he will hurt her too

If it was a genuine accident he would have been apologetic and got you help immediately. This man stamped on your food and shoved you.

You should not have lied to the police.

ThisBlueCrab · 06/10/2024 07:39

@Mum2DD your dh is an abusive arse. The freezing out and not talking to you is abuse. He shoved you and lashed put hard enough to break bones. That is abuse.

You need to leave and take your dd. What happens when she does something to irritate him and he does the same to her? Because he will.

Many abused women lie about it to the officials because they are scared and or ashamed not that they have any reason to be ashamed. But i remember the first time the mental abuse turned to physical in my first marriage. I excused it because I had done x y or z.

So I do not say thus lightly when I say get out. Get out now!!!

Talk to someone you trust, your best friend. And get out please before he does far worse.

Mamabobogo · 06/10/2024 07:44

Mum2DD · 05/10/2024 18:49

I asked him what he was hiding when he sobered up. He said he doesn't remember. He said he would swear on this daughter's life he hasn't cheated on me. I asked what about flirtations / text affairs. He was silent.

Show quote history

Oh the good old “I don’t remember”

Bullshit

Mozzarellaballs · 06/10/2024 07:50

Not that it matters but he hasn't even shown remorse for what he did, he came out the police angry at you still. Yeah you need to get a backbone. Loving him doesn't mean you need to stay. Also what have you told your daughter happened to your nose and foot? She's not stupid! You get all these injuries, he disappears for days down the police station and then is angry at you and goes silent again.