AIBU to stay with DH

[Mum2DD]

dv trigger warning

I have been with DH 7 years, married 1. The first 6 years were amazing. What I would class as I what I previously didn't believe in terms of real life happiness.

The last year we have both had a lot of stress. I lost my job and was struggling for a while (am main breadwinner) and DH went self employed for the first time. Money flow has been tight but okay. I've been in a new job since which earns well and I love for about 10 months now.

I also had a sudden bereavement which I struggled with and DH has had his mother diagnosed with stage 3 cancer.

We get on very well day to day but DH is quite insular and when he does get annoyed and a row starts it gets explosive. During these times he freezes me out and refuses to talk to me for days or weeks. A lot more backstory but that's the gist. I've struggled to cope with this and therefore sought help from a psychiatrist because of the bipolar. The psychiatrist expressed concerns that he was medicating me to deal with DH, instead of my medical condition.

A few of weeks ago, DH went out with friends and come home drunk - don't mind that, is fine. He went straight up to bed instead of saying hi which I thought was odd. I went up to our bedroom to check on and he was awake and on his phone but slurring. I laughed and asked him to pass me his phone (mine was downstairs and we often use each others) so that could show him this funny video of a drunk husband returning home. He immediately started acting weird, said I can't have his phone, went onto his messages ( li could see this from where I was stood) and deleting them. This raises alarm bells and I asked for the phone again. He said no. I tried to then grab it off him and he shoved me off. He then ran down the stairs and I chased him. I reached for the phone again and he threw his arm out and shoved me away. Then ran into the toilet and locked the door. I ended up with a broken nose and broken foot from his shoves.

I was in shock and slept om the sofa. The next day he said he didn't remember anything. I asked him to take me to the hospital as I could not walk, which he did and dropped me off. I couldn't really process what had happened.

We stayed polite but not really together the next couple of weeks. I then had a telephone assessment with the NHS for my bipolar and disclosed that I was struggling to understand that this fight had happened in about 10 seconds and now I had all these broken bones.

It turns out they then referred this and the police tirned up and arrested DH and took him into custody. I was so shocked. I lied my arse off to the police and all the other services and said I fell, or was nothing to do with DH. They released him after 20 hours.

He's now home. He was so angry to start with because he said I must have told someone something. I've told him it's all been a misunderstanding and I love him.

He seems back to normal now and wants to work at things. I want to too. I know this sounds insane but this is not who he is. I want to give it one last chance.

How do I do this?

Your poor daughter.
That you think this very violent abusive bastard that seriously assaulted you is an appropriate petson to be around your child....so sad.
She'll probably end up with a similar pig.

All your lies to the police, though they probably know well the truth.
They are well used to women putting abusive men ahead of their children.

The correct thing to do is to go back to the police, tell the truth, get him out of your childs life and divorce him.

He's no prize, 6ft 6, beating the shit out of a tiny women.

This is what you want for your child?

His elbow hit my nose sorry, not his nose

oh god, this is serious! It's not a minor argument he has broken your nose and your foot. It is possible you are experiencing the boiling frog syndrome, where he's slowly abusive, and you don't realise how bad he's becoming. press charges against this horrible abuser and never look back.

What's he got to break next time? Your neck?
You should have accepted he'd been unfaithful and dumped him rather than chased him....his shutting down for weeks was already a red flag.

He's not in the slightest bit worried about your injuries. He was just angry with you because he thought you had told someone what he did. Even before his violent attack, he's been freezing you out and refusing to talk to you for days/weeks. What on earth is loveable about him? He is a violent abuser.

So when he kills you, what do you suppose will happen to your child?

this is neither your bipolar, or your fault.
get as far away from him as you can as soon as possible. please

What do you want from this thread?

My ex hit me so hard my jaw was knocked out of alignment.

He's been looked into for a murder now.

edited for typo

Are you saying he headbutted you and broke your nose? This is really shocking. Please don't minimise this, he is a dangerous and abusive man. You really shouldn't stay.

Honestly it’s sounds horrific before you even get to the part about him hitting you. You clearly suspected he was up to something. You went upstairs to see why the drunk man didn’t say hi, he was on his phone but you needed a phone so desperately you needed his while he was using it. And you thought using it innocently at the point you asked? That doesn’t make sense unless you suspected what he was up to.

I genuinely can’t tell if it’s mutually toxic and his coordination was off since you were chasing him while he was drunk. Or whether he did this on purpose and you are lying to cover it up and trying to see if we believe your story so you can repeat it. I suspect the latter.

But either way, he was clearly up to something on his phone. And the situation escalated into you chasing him round the house. That’s not an ok environment for your daughter to be growing up. With the violence on top I can’t believe you would consider staying. Letting your daughter grow up in the environment isn’t ok.

I suspect this is a story you are trying to weave to justify staying. And you shouldn’t.

I'm sorry OP, even before he assaulted you there were clear signs of abuse.

It's not normal to ignore your partner for days or weeks after an argument.

It's not normal for arguments to suddenly become explosive.

It's not normal for a psychiatrist to need to voice concerns that you are medicating as a way of dealing with abuse.

It's definitely not normal to come away from an argument with broken bones.

I know you say you love him, but doesn't his reaction to the arrest - anger over who you might have told - show you that he certainly doesn't feel the same? And that's before you consider the clear signs he has been having an emotional affair. You have a daughter in this environment, that's not ok. For her sake, if not both of yours, please don't continue to allow exposure to this cretin of a man.

Oh FGS, why are you so desperate to be with this man? He assaulted you, and then you lie to the police for him? And you are now the sorry one because you must have told someone?
Plus your psychiatrist thinks he is driving you crazy. Maybe he has succeeded. You are not behaving rational. FGS get rid of this man. Where is your family?

Omg, he broke multiple bones and you think it's ok.

Would this be what you want for your 14yr old when she grows up.

Not one bone, not 2. Several.
You are not safe!!!

This is crazy OP. You have bipolar disorder, you need stability. He is clearly being emotionally abusive which your psychiatrist noted which then escalated to physical abuse. He "drops you off" at the hospital. How Nice, doesn't even come in with you. And then gets angry because somebody found out about his abuse. Ah, yeah, add cheating as well. And you're the main breadwinnner (financially being taken advantage of as well?).

It's not a price you got OP, It's a piece of abusive shit that you ought to kick to the curb if you think about your mental health and about your daughter.

If you did not have a child, then you would have the right to stay in this mess. You do have a child. If you stay, you are responsible for what happens to her. She will end up witnessing violence or victim to it herself. It is your job as her mother to get her out of this household immediately. If you can’t or won’t do it, then you should give custody to her other parent.

This is a man who has assaulted you to prevent you seeing evidence of his bad behaviour. It doesn’t matter that he was drunk at the time. And he has no right to be angry with you that he was arrested.

If your daughter told you her partner had done this to her, you know what your advice would be. Start planning your exit.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be a bad parent. She hasn't seen anything except the freezing out / no contact he does.

If I've already lied to the police to get him out
Of trouble what do I do know?

"Except"? That's abuse too. She's seen abuse.

What you do now is you tell the police the truth.

Seeing the control by freezing you out is enough let alone the bruises....do you think she doesn't have ears and didn't hear the argument ending in you getting hurt? Common

I am getting that you are not ready to leave and he will need to hit you again before you do. He will almost certainly do this so please please please be prepared to leave when he does. Think of your child even if you can’t do it for yourself.

He is obviously cheating too and that on its own should be enough to leave. Come on. There’s literally no other explanation for his behaviour, whatever nonsense he tries to make you believe.

I think you need to look at if it's a healthy relationship for you and your future happiness. Being frozen out and the silent treatment for weeks on end isn't a way I would want to live no matter how much I loved him.

I know that you want to work at your marriage, but any form of violence is unacceptable, drunk or not. Your DH should be thoroughly ashamed and should be working out how to put things right. If his first reaction was to be angry because you might have told the truth about what is happening, then this is not good. Put the ball in his court, tell him that this is his problem and he should be solving it. Do not help him out, that only sends the message that he can get away with it

Your Dad's 'father figure' is abusive and violent

Protect your DD and get the fuck away from him

Tell the police the truth, all of it

Protect your child, FFS

I think you both must know your relationship is over.

He's chatting up women or in only fans or something. Which he hides because he knows himself it's wrong. He's obviously not that into you any more.

He shoves you or ignores you. Not nice and not acceptable for a young woman of 14 to see.

I get that what happened may have been an accident when his elbow hit you. However I'm more inclined to think he was out of control and you e been lucky he didn't accidentally push you down the stairs snapping your neck like a twig.

Time to move on. Work out a plan and do it.

Oh and don't lie to the police. They can bring a prosecution themselves if they wish to and you can be done for contempt.

If while you're still making plans to leave, he goes drinking again, I wouldn't be in the house when he gets back. It's too dangerous a situation.

The one thing you gave to remember us what happens to your child if you die? Who gets her? At 14 she could ask to stay with him. I don't know if the court would ever approve this but imagine he treated her like he treated you one night when drunk....

Nope. Time to go.

So she has seen more than she should.