To say no to ex coming round to see his DS?

[Aquarelles]

Bit of background, my ex was very controlling. Would check what kind of underwear I had on before I went out with my friends, rummage through the bin for any receipts I had thrown out, put up cameras in the garden to watch me coming and going. The final straw was when I found a tracker on my car, and I eventually ended it.

Since then, I do not like having him in my new house. I do 99% of the dropping off and picking up DS to avoid him coming round. The past 3 weeks, he has found a reason/excuse to come round to see DS, and has sat here for over an hour each time.

DS was unwell last night. Throwing up in the small hours. When ex called to check up, he said "I'm thinking about popping round for half an hour to see him".

DS is OK now, albeit a bit tired. I'm already seeing him a bit less next week due to a work trip, and I really just want a chilled night with him watching Harry Potter, and relaxing in our PJs.

WIBU to tell ex no? I know he'll be worried about DS, but I just really don't like him in my home.

Of course you can say no.

Sorry I should clarify, the past 3 weeks he has found an excuse to come round during my time. He hasn't not seen DS for 3 weeks. He spent the day with him yesterday.

You just say no. It's your house and there is absolutely no need for him to ever cross your threshold. End of.

Its entirely up to you who you have in your home. Don't let him tell you any different.
How old is your son ?

Tell him he doesn't get to come into your house whenever he feels like it. I'd be checking around for cameras and tags given his history. Wouldn't put it past him to put something in your home. Tags and cameras can be so tiny now.

Hell no. This is just him keeping tabs on you again.

Has he given something to your DS to make him ill?

Amazed you have let him in the house before now, are you sure he hasn't been up to his old tricks with any cameras/trackers since?

Say no, is DS old enough for a quick video call? Say you're busy, can't be arsed, don't like him or want him there. It's YOUR house.

Tell me about it! The one I found attached to my car was tiny. A clever bit of kit.

He'll be 12 this month. Still can't believe where the time has gone!!!!

I wonder about this. About a month ago i was looking out my bedroom window and saw him driving past my street. No reason for him to be coming past that way, as no friends or family nearby.

No definitely not. As much as he was an absolute dick to me, he loves DS. He would never do anything like that, and will genuinely be concerned for him.

Tell him no he's not welcome into your home, he'll need to wait till it's his turn with ds then ignore the door.

Fair enough, but still, no he doesn't need to enter your house, your son is 12 they can talk over the phone just fine.

I would be making some time to talk to the police btw, he is essentially stalking you and this behaviour doesn't fade away it nearly always ramps up.
They quite often create scenarios to make opportunities for themselves.. which is why I asked about your son.
Get some advice on what procedures you have available if he escalates.

Sounds like an excuse to get in your house Op, give him an update on the phone but tell him no to visiting. He can't be trusted so if he's banned from your house it's his own fault

Absolutely I wouldn’t let him in my home. At 12, your DS is old enough to go out of the house without you needing to be there and meet his dad in the car/at the bottom of the path.
I would also check very carefully for hidden cameras anywhere in your house where he was able to go when he was there.
As for tonight, DS can FaceTime him if well enough.

He's using this as a way back in. The longer you allow it the more difficult it will be and more push back he will give. Given his history and stalkerish behaviour (driving by the home) I would be genuinely worried. Its time to draw boundaries

Yanbu. I wouldn't say anything about your personal feelings on the matter though just that you think it will be better for your son if there are clear boundaries between parents so it doesn't blur the lines or give him any false hopes that you'll get back together

“Ex as DS gets older and has adjusted to our separation, I have been thinking about boundaries. From now onwards, I will drop him at yours but not come in and I will appreciate the same in return, there is no need for us to go into each other’s houses”

Fwiw my ex is very similar and the above wording is what I used, he HATES it but I don’t care.

Were the police involved when you found the tracker on your car?

I'd not be letting him in ever again and checking for devices in my home and on my car. I'd also check DS phone.

Jesus, he sounds dangerous and a like he can't let go of you. Be very very wary of him weaseling back in. Don't let him in your house. Do you have a ring doorbell?

Have you been honest with ds about his father? He needs to know that he hasn't treated you well and you don't want him in the house and why.

Doesn't mean bad mouthing him but I'm always shocked on here that some mothers dont tell their children an age appropriate truth about their other parent.

If he treated you like that then there is a chance he will do it to his child or another partner and ds needs to know that you found this behaviour inappropriate and it's ok for him to feel that too and not normalise it rather then being told his dad is a stand up guy.

If ds knows then great, ignore the above.

Might be worth telling ds about the recent issues, seeing him drive passed the house and that you think it's 'strange'. Might be a prompt for ds to tell you about more odd behaviour.

Thank you. I don't tend to leave him alone long enough to be planting devices in the house. If I go into the kitchen for a drink or whatever, ex tends to follow me so he can have a good nosey at what I've got in my fridge/cupboards policing what I bought from the shops was another one of his behaviours when we were together.

Do you really think so? I always thought I was doing the right think by shielding DS from it. He has no idea the real reason why we separated.

Get a Ring doorbell and check your home very carefully. Coming in regularly would make me worry that he is swapping over devices to check the footage.

Maybe change your Wi-Fi password. Make sure DS knows not to give it to his Dad.