To say no to ex coming round to see his DS?

[Aquarelles]

Bit of background, my ex was very controlling. Would check what kind of underwear I had on before I went out with my friends, rummage through the bin for any receipts I had thrown out, put up cameras in the garden to watch me coming and going. The final straw was when I found a tracker on my car, and I eventually ended it.

Since then, I do not like having him in my new house. I do 99% of the dropping off and picking up DS to avoid him coming round. The past 3 weeks, he has found a reason/excuse to come round to see DS, and has sat here for over an hour each time.

DS was unwell last night. Throwing up in the small hours. When ex called to check up, he said "I'm thinking about popping round for half an hour to see him".

DS is OK now, albeit a bit tired. I'm already seeing him a bit less next week due to a work trip, and I really just want a chilled night with him watching Harry Potter, and relaxing in our PJs.

WIBU to tell ex no? I know he'll be worried about DS, but I just really don't like him in my home.

You NEED to be honest with your son about why you separated, because if he was that controlling with you, he might well try and start with your son. He's old enough to be told. This is about safety for BOTH of you.

At 12, your DS can give his Dad a call to let him know that he’s starting feel better, there’s no need for his Dad to come around.

I agree with the suggestion to get a Ring doorbell and change your WiFi password. I’d change it every few months so there’s no chance that he can use any devices in your house.

Also, given your DS’s age, I can’t see any reason why your ex ever needs to be in your house.

He put a tracker on your car?
He would never set foot in my home again.

No way should you allow him into your house. Your son is old enough to FaceTime his dad whenever he wants to.

I would tell your son why you split up because sooner or later your ex will be telling him all sorts of rubbish about how you dumped him for no reason.

If you don't have an appropriate conversation about his father's abnormal behaviours then how do you expect yo protect your child from being either used as a tool to get to you or being treated the same way eventually?

This man uses the excuse of love to control people in his life, he loved you right? Look at how he treated/treats you.

He loves your son right? He isn't safe from this treatment op.

I did intend to speak to DS about his father's behaviour towards me. I just wasn't sure when/how.

I had thought his stalkerish behaviour had stopped, until I saw his car a month ago. I haven't seen him around here unplanned before / since.

He’s invading your space. You do not have to let him in your house. Ever.

Exactly. If op is inferring that ex is great then that could undermine any red flags that Ds could be feeling. At 12 he is old enough. He is also at that tricky age where he might start having challenging behaviour and pushing boundaries as teenagers do, which exh may not respond well to if he's abusive.

You can tell him in a very matter of fact way. Tell him it doesn't mean anything about his relationship with his dad needs to change but it is reasonable to tell him that you are afraid of his father. The tracking incident I think is really important to tell him as it's pretty concrete and impossible to explain away by saying things were misunderstood. There's really no circumstances in which that is acceptable. Your ex seems to be ramping up his behaviour again so even more reason to warn ds so he can protect himself and warn you about worrying behaviour.

Please get a ring door bell.

Explain to DS that his Dad isn't coming into your home again and he can pick him up at end of path.

You need to say something to DS. What if ex asks for his house key at some point and let's himself in.

Take back control.

As for tonight, tell ex he can Facebook DS.

Hard no, you are being perfectly reasonable and how you feel makes utter sense. Tell him, ‘that’s not possible. XX is fine, much better now, nothing to worry about. They’ll see you on Tuesday as per our arrangements. Bye’.

Also I’d check the home for trackers or get someone in to do it, and DS bags.

Yes you can say no and in your place I'd get a restraining order.