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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH always puts his sibling first?

27 replies

lemondazzle · 05/10/2024 13:40

Before we have our baby DH would be out all most weekends with his brother who is in a band that play gigs all over the UK.

DH did calm down a lot but now DH is out most weekends again with his brother and sometimes staying over (if the gig is far away).

Since the birth of our baby DH has been abroad with his bother, met up with friends, had weekend away when I haven't even done one single thing which I find extremely unfair.

All DH has done is moan about not seeing his brother and how I am coming in between them because I need help looking after our son.

I really feel his brother and his brother's feelings come first.

I have really struggled as I do our child's parenting and DH has little input.
It was a well wanted baby and I do believe DH loves our son as he works all hours to ensure our child has everything.

I really dislike DH's brother who is a selfish lying and deceitful person.
He had multiple children with multiple women and is a terrible absent father himself.

His oldest is in prison for stabbing someone and has drug issues.

The other is on marijuana.

And at least 2 of his children were taken away by social services and adopted.
DH struggles to see why I don't want them near my child.

I don't mind DH seeing his friends and family but I think every weekend is taking the p especially since I don't get to do anything.

His brother is always calling him up and asking him to come XYZ and he feels as if he has to go as his brother moans about not seeing him enough.

His brother will never come to our home to see DH, DH will always have to go out of his way to see his brother.

I'm really thinking of leaving DH as I have had enough of being moaned at and him putting his bother first all the time.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Chowtime · 05/10/2024 13:43

No YANBU - theres no point being married if he isn't there for you.

millymoo1202 · 05/10/2024 13:45

Zero point in being with him

TizerorFizz · 05/10/2024 13:49

He’s from the same tree, isn’t he. He prefers to do other things and not be a parent. His brother is the same. I agree this is awful, and you are, effectively, a single parent. You probably need to think about whether it’s worth hanging in there for the money or whether you are better off alone. When dc wants activities when he’s a bit older, will DH take him to things? Or just be off the scene with brother? DS will be very short changed with his attitude and I’d be unhappy about the gigs and drugs of his brother. Yuk.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/10/2024 13:51

Your DH sounds like a pretty poor father. He complains because you need help looking after your son. His language implies that parenting your son is your job and anything he does is just 'helping' and entirely optional.

kiwiane · 05/10/2024 13:52

You may as well be single and in time I hope you’ll meet someone who wants to spend time with you. Plan carefully and seek advice and support.

Original poster

lemondazzle · 05/10/2024 13:52

I do feel as if I'm a single parent to be honest.

He has reduced me to tears and laid into me for "coming in between him and his brother".

Most normal people would understand that having a baby changes dynamics but them to think that I should do everything.

I have started making plans to move out of the area to be closer to my parents and extended family for some support.

OP posts:

Cm19841 · 05/10/2024 13:54

Minimal upside to being with your DH to be honest. The only thing to watch if you consider splitting is ensuring you don't lose access to your children on his parenting time. Honestly, I would be making plans and removing myself and my kids from them.

Sauvblanctime · 05/10/2024 13:56

Chowtime · 05/10/2024 13:43

No YANBU - theres no point being married if he isn't there for you.

Absolutely this

Sauvblanctime · 05/10/2024 13:56

You’re his wife. And his child

and if he’s not prioritising you he needs to go 👏🏻

neilyoungismyhero · 05/10/2024 14:06

He likes and enjoys his freedom OP let him have it. Be good to yourself.

annonymousse · 05/10/2024 14:09

It's not his brother he's prioritising. It's himself. They sound like two peas from the same pod. He clearly wants the single life unencumbered with children. I would cut your losses now and move before your child develops any kind of bond with him. He doesn't strike me as the kind of dad who will want any kind of shared care. Better to do it now and avoid later problems.

TizerorFizz · 05/10/2024 14:26

He won’t have time for shared care. Holidays, gigging with brother and work will mean no family time. As now. I would explore moving away to get support op. Obviously DH prefers his brother so let him have him.

Darby3785 · 05/10/2024 14:37

I'd seriously be asking him if he would rather be in a relationship with his brother at this point if I'm honest!

I think you are doing the right thing by looking into leaving. Might be a bit of upheaval at first but surely it's better than a AWOL DH!

pestowithwalnuts · 05/10/2024 18:18

lemondazzle · 05/10/2024 13:52

I do feel as if I'm a single parent to be honest.

He has reduced me to tears and laid into me for "coming in between him and his brother".

Most normal people would understand that having a baby changes dynamics but them to think that I should do everything.

I have started making plans to move out of the area to be closer to my parents and extended family for some support.

I don't blame you at all for wanting to move closer to family.
In essence you are a single parent.
Your DH is selfish and seems to care more about his delinquant brother than being a proper father.

Hatty65 · 05/10/2024 18:26

He has reduced me to tears and laid into me for "coming in between him and his brother".

Cry very loudly. Sob that you can't stand it that his brother is 'coming between him and his own child'. Tell him you can't believe that an adult could be so selfish as to want his brother to abandon his wife and child to listen to HIM play music.

Then wipe your eyes and tell him sharply to step up or fuck off.

TheNinny · 05/10/2024 18:41

Do you really think he works loads of hours to provide for your son? It sounds like that’s a nicer, more honourable way to escape the parenting mid week.

Most family would understand children change relationships and don’t expect to spend all weekend with their grown adult sibling.

I couldn’t tolerate this if there is at least no effort to find a compromise,
you’re effectively a single parent already

Original poster

lemondazzle · 05/10/2024 22:32

I'm glad im not the only one to share these thoughts.

His brother will call him and husband will just drop everything to meet him.
He even took a day of work last week for him.

His brother uses him as he doesn't want to drive alone and takes husband for the company and husband just acts star struck even though he isn't even famous.

I agree with the PP, most normal people will understand and respect that life changes after having a baby, no not these two though.

They are both so selfish.
It seems to me as if he loves his brother more than me as that is all he complains about.
He doesn't even bother to see his dying grandfather in a care home or his mother who is going blind, it's all about his brother.

I am moving in 2 weeks and have told him tonight that I am leaving as I need support and all he is interested in is his selfish brother.

I want support and a life and I won't get that staying with him.

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 05/10/2024 23:59

Sadly not.

BlastedPimples · 06/10/2024 05:00

What a bizarre and truly unhealthy relationship these brothers have.

It's creepy and weird.

I would cut my losses and leave them to it. Both have failed to prioritise the things that matter.

SantasRubiksCube · 06/10/2024 05:17

Are you sure it's just the brother who has multiple children by different women? Just seems so strange that an adult would follow their sibling around so much, I'd question who else he was travelling to see too. Either way he obviously only cares about himself and you and your baby are better off out of it.

Horses7 · 06/10/2024 05:33

YANBU - amazed you’ve put up with it so long. Hopefully you moving out will be a wake up call for him but sadly I doubt it. You and your baby deserve a life better than this.

Justsayit123 · 06/10/2024 06:00

Leave

Codlingmoths · 06/10/2024 06:24

Sounds like you’re making the right decision

Pat888 · 06/10/2024 06:50

Can you afford marriage counselling.
I would think the look on the counsellors face when you mention that his DB has multiple children he ignores and that DH drops everything to be with him might make DH see the unfairness of his behaviour.

He must have had a weird childhood to have no feelings for his DM and only for a feckless DB. If this could be discussed it might open DH's eyes to the ridiculousness of his behaviour.

waitingforthebus · 06/10/2024 06:58

There's so many threads on here bemoaning men who take a bit of time for themselves once babies arrive.
This isn't one of them. OP, so so many red flags here. You are doing nothing wrong. There is nothing normal with your dh behaviour. He's cut from the same cloth as his brother. He will soon have multiple kids from multiple partners after you leave him and those kids may not be as lucky to have a lovey mum like you.

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