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Original poster

Partner making last minute drinking plans - you have a baby

39 replies

Noahsark4 · 04/10/2024 22:07

Before you answer, I will give you a bit of a back story to this question.

Whilst I was pregnant my partner still went out drinking and would come home at daft o’clock. At the beginning I wasn’t too fussed but then it started happening more often. He would tell me “ill be home at such n such time” and never would be.. naturally this angered me.

Fast forward to me giving birth and my baby is 6 months old, he hasn’t been out as much but when he does it’s still daft o’clock and it’s always LAST MINUTE plans.

I don’t mind him going out but it’s always last minute plans with no notice which involves drinking and coming home past midnight.

Do I have a right to be annoyed? Or am I still holding onto anger from him going out and not returning at the time he has said when I was pregnant and after.

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 04/10/2024 22:08

Yes you have a right to be annoyed. Do you get the chance to go out last minute?

Original poster
Noahsark4 · 04/10/2024 22:18

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 04/10/2024 22:08

Yes you have a right to be annoyed. Do you get the chance to go out last minute?

When I mention about him going out he always says to me I can go out whenever I want and he will babysit. The problem is I moved area to be with him and my friends and family aren’t local so I can’t just plan spontaneous nights out and he knows this. He will get home from work and then someone will call him asking to go pub and he will go as soon as he’s home and then the time he says he’ll be back is never stuck to

OP posts:
MaterCogitaVera · 04/10/2024 22:33

Try just taking yourself out to the cinema one evening, or go swimming, or something like that. See whether he’s genuinely willing to be home alone with his child. If he is, that’s a good start, although there still needs to be a conversation about how often this happens and how much notice you give each other, especially when it’s going to be a late one.

jackstini · 04/10/2024 22:36

You need to just go out anyway to see if he will cover it...

I've had some lovely nights with just me, red wine, a good book and a pub fire!

It's frustrating for you currently, because he has the possibility of doing last minute things, and because you moved for him, you lost that option. I get there would be some resentment there

Original poster
Noahsark4 · 04/10/2024 22:54

MaterCogitaVera · 04/10/2024 22:33

Try just taking yourself out to the cinema one evening, or go swimming, or something like that. See whether he’s genuinely willing to be home alone with his child. If he is, that’s a good start, although there still needs to be a conversation about how often this happens and how much notice you give each other, especially when it’s going to be a late one.

I’ve never really done anything like that before, the most I’ve done by myself is shopping! But I think it would be healthy for me to take some time to myself even if it is just doing something like that by myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noahsark4 · 04/10/2024 22:55

jackstini · 04/10/2024 22:36

You need to just go out anyway to see if he will cover it...

I've had some lovely nights with just me, red wine, a good book and a pub fire!

It's frustrating for you currently, because he has the possibility of doing last minute things, and because you moved for him, you lost that option. I get there would be some resentment there

Yeah you’re right.

I’ve never really thought about going out by myself, I’ve never done it before.

Its even more frustrating that he acknowledges that I’ve lost being able to see my friends and family so easily as he’s mentioned a few times feeling bad for me but then he mustn’t feel that bad as he still continues to leave me at the last minute. Especially now we have the baby, I don’t get 2 minutes to myself.

OP posts:
sarahzbaker · 05/10/2024 00:48

Make plans to go out and tell him
I'm going to a film or the pub...

KingOfPeace · 05/10/2024 00:58

What do you expect from him? Do you think he should be home every evening with you or should only go out with a few days notice or ? Then ask yourself if that is reasonable.

If you are having a hard time with the baby if expect him there all the time unless a special occasion known about in advance. If it's easy enough a late night out plus a pop to the pub for a few hours each week would feel reasonable to me.

Do you still go out together? Even if you have no baby sitting you'll be fine at a family friendly restaurant or pub.

Do go out on your own. If you've a large shopping mall near you they're usually open til late and are safe and comfortable for browsing and you can have a coffee and cake somewhere. It is perfectly normal to go to the cinema on your own too. Or maybe a swim?

RawBloomers · 05/10/2024 02:05

Going out on your own is good if you fancy it. And probably a good thing to do a bit off even if you don’t, though maybe something more organized where you might make local connections like a book club or a Taekwondo class or something would be more helpful in the long term than going to see a film on your own.

But I’m assuming part of the issue here is that you are lonely and it’s the being left with the baby all day and then all night when you’d been expecting him to come home and be adult conversation and make you feel human again? (This could be projection, but it’s definitely what I wanted from my DH when the kids were tiny).

In which case, the going out on your own won’t fill that gap (at least, not until you actually make some connections) and you probably need to be clearer to him that the move here leaves you lonely and him saying he feels bad for you is just pissing in the wind if he then abandons you whenever he gets an offer from a mate. He needs to step up and put in the work to make you feel like moving there wasn’t simply a one way sacrifice.

Also agree with PP that going out together is important and, if you don’t have babysitting, going out as a family in the evening is often doable, you just need to find the right venues.

Edingril · 05/10/2024 02:36

Life doesn't stop when people have children

Katielovesteatime · 05/10/2024 03:55

I'm not sure I understand the issue. It sounds like you wouldn't be going out anyway, based on your comments. So, if you're just going to be sitting in with baby anyway, why do you need a lot of notice if he's going to go out? Assuming he doesn't go out loads, and it's just the odd night out, I can't see the problem with it being 'last minute', because it doesn't affect what you would be doing? Do you just not like him going out?

Like I said, if he's going out loads then yeah it is not great, but if it's just occasional then I can't see the problem. You also can't use your not going out as a reason that he shouldn't go out - that's not fair. If you want time off, you join an activity, get a hobby, make an effort to get out and have some time without baby. He's said he will watch the baby! It's not fair to be like, "I don't want to go out so you can't either."

flightless55 · 05/10/2024 04:05

Wow I'm surprised by some of the comments

Sorry, I feel differently

I don't feel the issue here is that he's going out - great have fun

The issue is the lack of respect he has for you. You say he's going out last minute and not returning at the agreed time.

Thats not ok in a partnership - that's just presuming that you will be there and can be forever on shift as a parent

Will this change as the baby becomes a child and has hobbies and needs ferrying places?

Also, when you've had a hard day as a mum, but know dad will be home at say 5pm and then they don't show up till 10pm - that's not easy

Aussieland · 05/10/2024 04:26

he will babysit
It’s not babysitting. It’s parenting his child

getsomehelp · 05/10/2024 04:41

You didn't move away from family & friends to spend evenings alone.
This is not a happy partnership
You can look after baby & live alone without a teenager pseudo Daddy

Sugarysugar · 05/10/2024 07:54

Does he do his share of household chores? Does he do his share of caring for his baby?
If he is doing his fair share then then the going out wouldn't bother me so much.

However he does sound heavily invested in drinking and that would worry me. What kind of state is he in when he gets home?

Also if his pals are calling him to go drinking on a very regular basis they don't have any sense his priorities have changed now he has a young baby - they still see his status as drinking buddy as unchanged.

I feel if he drank a lot and stayed out late when you were pregnant and he is still going out drinking and staying out late now he has a young baby it doesn't bode well for the future. I can't see him changing. I can't see him suddenly changing and becoming a responsible, invested parent.

TrumpIsACuntWaffle · 05/10/2024 08:07

Noahsark4 · 04/10/2024 22:18

When I mention about him going out he always says to me I can go out whenever I want and he will babysit. The problem is I moved area to be with him and my friends and family aren’t local so I can’t just plan spontaneous nights out and he knows this. He will get home from work and then someone will call him asking to go pub and he will go as soon as he’s home and then the time he says he’ll be back is never stuck to

Show quote history

It's not babysitting.

Didimum · 05/10/2024 08:35

Please tell me he didn’t use the word ‘babysit’ when suggesting you go out? Good lord.

This wouldn’t fly with me, OP.

lunar1 · 05/10/2024 08:39

So this morning, just before lunch, announce you're going out, you'll be back at 3, hand over the baby and go. Shopping, cinema lunch, whatever you fancy. And make sure you aren't back till after 6, where you'll be shattered and need to go to bed and can't be disturbed.

Penguinmouse · 05/10/2024 08:41

“He will babysit” how generous of him to look after his own child

Blinkii · 05/10/2024 08:43

I dont think he'd doing anything wrong, and I don't think he should be putting a time on when he will be home, what's the point? You can't say before you leave the house how the night will go and when you'll be home. Why does it make you angry if he's not home at a set time?

I think this is more about what you're not doing, rather than what he's doing.

JWhipple · 05/10/2024 08:52

You've left all your friends and family behind, for a man who doesn't seem to prioritise spending time with you and your child?
Have you thought about moving back home, it sounds that you're already almost a single parent, at least there you'd have support

crumblingschools · 05/10/2024 08:59

Are you making any mum friends at baby groups? Are you going back to work so will have work colleagues to socialise with? Can you join a club/do a hobby that will increase your social circle.

How much parenting does he do? Are you doing all household chores, cooking etc?

Penguinmouse · 05/10/2024 09:15

Blinkii · 05/10/2024 08:43

I dont think he'd doing anything wrong, and I don't think he should be putting a time on when he will be home, what's the point? You can't say before you leave the house how the night will go and when you'll be home. Why does it make you angry if he's not home at a set time?

I think this is more about what you're not doing, rather than what he's doing.

If you can’t understand how unfair it is for a mum to be at home all day with a baby and then her partner to drop that he’s going out and doesn’t know when he will be home, what’s the point? She’s doing all the care and he’s having all the fun. She also moved for him so she doesn’t have the same ability to just go out spontaneously.

RT5463 · 05/10/2024 09:19

I’m really surprised with all the comments saying that they don’t see a problem. Before baby maybe not, but looking after a young baby is really tough.

I used to look forward to hubby getting home so that I could have a shower, lie down for 20 minutes, have a poo in peace, or simply have an adult conversation.

Parenting is supposed to be a team. If I’d had a really difficult day with baby, was exhausted and looking forward to hubby being home to share the responsibility and then he’d pecked me on the cheek and said “right I’m off to the pub…” I would feel hurt, lonely and taken for granted.

Obviously one offs/occasional night outs would be different, but if it was happening frequently I would be upset.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/10/2024 09:34

This is one of the most unsupportive things a man can do when there’s a new baby in the house - go out drinking, or go out to please himself in any way - with no notice.

I don’t really agree with everyone saying you just need to do the same. Other than simply as a lesson to him in how awful this is. You probably want to relax in your own home sometimes, whilst he cares for the baby, or to spend some time together, caring for him/ her or when he/ she is asleep.

And to know when the end point of solo baby care will be for the day.

When my eldest was little someone said to me, it was like he was at the gym and someone had told him he had to do X number of push ups, but just as he was nearing the end, someone added a whole lot more.