Partner making last minute drinking plans - you have a baby

[Noahsark4]

Before you answer, I will give you a bit of a back story to this question.

Whilst I was pregnant my partner still went out drinking and would come home at daft o’clock. At the beginning I wasn’t too fussed but then it started happening more often. He would tell me “ill be home at such n such time” and never would be.. naturally this angered me.

Fast forward to me giving birth and my baby is 6 months old, he hasn’t been out as much but when he does it’s still daft o’clock and it’s always LAST MINUTE plans.

I don’t mind him going out but it’s always last minute plans with no notice which involves drinking and coming home past midnight.

Do I have a right to be annoyed? Or am I still holding onto anger from him going out and not returning at the time he has said when I was pregnant and after.

Is he hung over in the morning OP? I wouldn't be happy if my other half was not functioning in the morning to help me with the kids (unless I had a little bit of notice). I would suggest going out last minute the morning after the night before to see how he feels then.

He comes down to him thinking his time is still all his own, but that yours isn’t. That you are the default parent and that he therefore doesn’t need to make arrangements if he wants to duck out- but that the same obviously doesn’t apply to you, as you are on duty unless previously arranged, whereas he is free unless previously arranged.

Please find something to do, it doesnt matter what it is, a christmas craft workshop, a flower arrangjng course anything. You will eventually meet people, they may not be people you will go clubbing with but you will get more adult conversation. Also do some local baby classes in the day to meet other Mums. If you are out there you will meet people and have the dinner dates etc planned.

If you feel he is always out every Fri and Sat perhaps arrange something for one of those nights and tell him you are doing it and he will need to be home sober and in control. If you have moved to be near his parents, get him to sè if he can arrange sitters so you can both go out. You dont have to be over night just the cinema etc.

You need to find a good balance in your parenting.

You got yourself a knob!!!

I would absolutely try saying one eve 'right, that's me off out, I'll be back about 10' as soon as he's through the door. Even if you just get a coffee and take a book or scroll your phone in the car... his reaction and behaviour would speak volumes.

How far from your family and friends are you? Is your baby breastfed? I'd consider whether it's feasible to go and see them - stay overnight if possible but appreciate probably not just now if bf.

Second all the comments about getting used to going out on your own. There are groups (Meetup, if that's still going?) you can find for cinema trips, and you might make friends that way. I did love a solo evening shopping/cinema trip though! No one else to please but myself 😂

If he would infact genuinely be happy for you to go out alone and as long as he's not going out lots and he is generally a hands on father then I don't think it's completely unreasonable. I think you should also work on building friendships where you are. You say he isn't even going out that much.

I know it's lonely but I dont think that because you don't have friends locally he should give up on his. I imagine your social situation will change as you live in the area. Similarly if your good friends aren't in the area, there will probably be a time when your baby is a bit bigger where you're going to want to travel to go out with them, possibly staying away over night.

As long as he isn't completely taking the piss, I don't think it's really a deal breaker or super unreasonable.

Completely agree with this

I don’t expect he should be home every evening for example if he went to the pub after work for a bit then returned at a reasonable time I wouldn’t be bothered as he does do that the occasional time if he manages to finish work early.

We don’t really do much just us two anymore although we do have a weekend away planned soon.

Yeah that’s how I’m feeling, it’s when it’s last minute and there’s no thought regarding me and what I need to do and even if I did need an hour or so by myself.

He could at least wait an hour before going out and let me do what I need to do but it’s just a constant rush like he can’t wait to be out.

I would be more than happy for us to go out in the evening even with the baby for food etc so we can spend time together and get out the house.

Its not that I don’t want to go out ever but it isn’t as important to me as it is to him.

sometimes he will say he’s going out for food with friends which turns into more. My argument is if you wanted to go out for food why not ask me? It’s because he knows it will follow with drinks. I’m not saying he can’t see friends but I think when you have a family your priorities change and I don’t feel like a priority which I’ve expressed multiple times.

i haven’t got the mentally of I don’t want to go out so you can’t at all, not sure if that’s how it’s come across but it’s definitely not the case. I don’t want to be a hermit sat at home all the time, we can do things that don’t involve excessive alcohol in the evenings

That’s totally legitimate. And you should talk to him about it.

you do need to make some effort to build a network independent of him. But that will take years, and plenty of solo parenting from him.

So people aren't allowed nights out because they have a baby?

It isn’t to do with not being allowed a night out.

I think when you have a baby your life and social life does change which you should accept and I don’t think it is fair to just drop on a Friday straight after work you’re going out till daft o’clock.

If a night out is planned and given at least a days notice then fine.

Obviously it’s healthy to have a social life, I just don’t think it’s fair that men can just make spontaneous nights out and not have a second thought or check it’s okay first.

Before a baby is born you would do the spontaneous nights out together and then when the baby is here that goes and the mum is the default parent majority of the time.

No the mum can definitely still have spontaneous last minute nights too.