Getting the timing right? Success in later life?

[Firey40]

I'm 40, and I've been thinking a lot recently about finding role models who have gone on to have success or totally changed their life post 40

I feel like the timing of women's lives is SUCH a big deal for us; unless you are one of the few who 100% knows you don't want kids, the whole 'will-I-or-won't-I-have kids' question can be a big pressure until you either decide, or you get too old and age takes that decision away from you. But if you do want them, trying to conceive, then birth, then raise kids, can really dominate our 'best' years...

I was lucky enough to have babies in my 30's, and while I adore them I'll admit I feel a bit sad that my career and income isn't how I wanted it to be. So now I'm totally lit by ambition, and I'm excited at the possibilities... (if I can just figure out the childcare, and running our home, and being a caring daughter to my elderly parents and blaa blaa blaa blaa..!)

Has anyone else felt the same way? It's become a bit of an obsession for me at the moment!

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx ok lol, I do really relate to your observation about older men, and women in their 30s/40s (more 40s in my workplace) occupying very senior roles, I can think of far fewer women over 50 ( though maybe time will change that if the younger women do stay on their career tracks). And see what you're then saying about a lost generation of women who have missed out.

Thanks for the point @MasterBeth but could we not trash each other’s opinions and experiences quite so aggressively?

I’m very interested in your opinion though if you don’t see any truths in @Healingsfall post

May I ask what your experience is, can you share?

@lopdoo I think it's because women are exhausted. They've done years of battling to keep career and family on track, elderly relatives, husbands, friends, pets, exercise.... most are looking forward to a bloody rest.

@Firey40 I do take a bit of offence to you saying that I shamed women for having live in Nannie's. I absolutely did not but if we're looking at women retraining or moving sectors then a live in nanny is not a possibility unless we are speaking about the most financially lucrative sectors. For me in social work, it is not even a remote possibility, and I'm a single parent too. Like wise, two hours cleaning a week will do precisely fuck all to help me develop my career, I'm not turning down promotions so I have time to dust!
The truth is that it's very hard being a working mother. It's hard trying to grow a career with conflicting priorities (needing to be in two places at once constantly), picking kids up and dumping them at home in front the TV whilst you sit on your laptop, not ever being able to do after school play dates or sports day or reading hour. The guilt, the stress, the exhaustion.
What we need is more support from teenage years onwards specially for women about how to pick a good man or woman, how to keep your career, financial education, support with networking. Broaden the horizons of the young women who either naively think it will all be fine or don't believe they deserve more than being a barista in Costa (and I was a barista in costa for years) most importantly make them realise that having a boyfriend is not the most important thing about them!

The younger generation in the workplace now have such a different way of thinking and appear far more relaxed about things.

Interestingly the dating world has changed so I think we will see a difference there in terms of working as it'll have a knock-on effect. More women are now choosing to stay single and seeing the value in that over being with a manchild, or putting up with their crap and you're no longer pitied for being a single woman. We may see that filtering into the workplace too but that's just my pondering opinion.

The 2.4 children and husband ideal doesn't seem to appeal to a lot of young adults now, nor does it appear to even be a "one day" goal. As they see more and more women living happy, healthy independent lives that may well be what they aspire to rather than the previous generations ideal of "women can have it all" which includes all of the family chores/life admin/childcare logistics/and career whilst he just carries on as normal.

That worked for you, but there's many women who would need IVF etc at that age and having a child would never happen for them.
@Suddenfeelingofsadness in some sectors/professions, in some areas of the country etc things aren't equal and differ greatly. A pp summing up about feeling like the lost generation in her early 50's rings true for my experiences at nearly 60. We were often held back, discouraged, overlooked, suffered from misogyny etc. Not many people look outside of their own experience, life chances, options, job/educational opportunities on here. That was very apparent when discussing the removal of the winter fuel allowance and private pensions.

It's tough. I was lucky and I managed to start a new career in my 40s. The cards kind of fell out for me. I still find the juggle hard though with teenagers.

I overheard someone in my last role saying she wouldn't employ anyone older than her as her junior!! 😡

I love writing too and have just done an MA in it for the love of it. However VERY few writers make lots of money - average author income is about £6k per year- and all of our lecturers were published authors that couldn't live on that income alone!

Hello fellow writer!

Yes, the reality of earning as purely a writer is pretty low, I know :(

But I find all the ancillary stuff to writing fun too - I'm keen to start hosting some events/workshops/start a podcast too

I do know that if I don't pursue it, I will become bitter with regret, so I will give it a bloody good go :)

I took a 5 year gap, gave up a leadership role (willingly, it was killing me) and recently went back to teaching. To my surprise, I love it. I am well regarded in my workplace and my experience seems to be valued. Everyone assumes I want to be a deputy or head, but I don't. I feel so fortunate that I'm enjoying a second go at my career, and that I don't have to 'progress' for progression's sake.

Excellent :)

Was the 5 year gap for kids, or something else? Did you work at all during that time?

May I ask how old you are, embarking on the new teaching career?

I had my first 2 children in my mid 20’s and then one more in my mid 30’s. I worked part time mostly in education 2-3 days a week throughout but took on no other responsibilities at work - it was still very hard as at that time we only got 26 weeks of mat leave and there was nursery at 3, but only for 2 1/4 hours a day which was not much help! However I went back to do my masters once I had 2 in secondary and only 1 in primary, and then when my eldest went to Uni and my youngest to secondary I re-started things career wise. My husband and I flipped responsibilities - so up until then his career had been out of the house and I did everything at home, but we then switched and he took on things like the cooking & shopping and started to work from home 3 days a week. I went back full time and put lots of my energies into work rather than the home. Luckily I still get the school holidays. It’s been really fun to restart but I do have some sadness - I would have loved to re-train as an Ed psych or a speech and language therapist but as I’m in my 50’s now I think I left it too late.

I think whatever we do and whenever we have children, there are some sacrifices. I didn’t want to work full time when they were small, and accepted that I could only do a small role. It is harder in your 50’s to restart as you get more tired as well.

Same here! I've been a leader and now I'm "just" a teacher in a school that values my experience and I'm much happier ☺️

@Firey40 many thanks! I'm also hoping it provides a good impression for the kids - life long learning is a thing and proud of. Fingers crossed they see me graduate !

Do it! I've loved my MA, I'm really missing it now it's done. All 100% online, great tutor support and a manageable workload. DM me for detail if you want!

I wish I could see a way forward too and I'm following the replies with interest. I’m 44, doing a job that I mostly enjoy and am good at, but there’s no scope for progression (except going into management which I know I’m terrible at and find stressful, having tried it pre-kids) and I wish I’d had the foresight to think about a long-term career rather than a job. I used to be good at lots of things but chose the path with the lowest earning potential when I was young. I earn a depressingly low amount for the long hours I work and we just can’t afford for me to retrain (and I haven’t the time or energy to do so in the evenings as I’m too busy working/taking my kids to activities and things). I’m a really hard worker, have a first class degree but feel totally stuck. I’m also beyond exhausted.

I think it depends on your background, what your interested in and what you want to aim for. A high salary is great but not if it comes at the cost of burn out etc.

Some jobs need background degrees etc. I have a few friends who have retrained with the national grid on their fast track scheme and love it.

@ChocoChocoLatte glad you got through the cancer and the new venture sounds exciting!

I see that too sadly, and as useful as the awareness of the menopause is in many ways, I'm not sure it's going to help as it's giving the impression we all head to a breakdown in our late 40's.

I'm surprised that your employers would give you that feedback formally? Isn't that both sex & age discrimination? Not that it's easy to prove discrimination but I'm still surprised.

@tumtam I didn't - I'm stage four but I'm alive and not giving up

I see that too sadly, and as useful as the awareness of the menopause is in many ways, I'm not sure it's going to help as it's giving the impression we all head to a breakdown in our late 40's.

Yes completely agree with this, and I think there's a lot of truth in what another poster said about many women likely getting exhausted at a certain age after decades of pressure from all angles, something few men have to experience. There's a lot of focus on mothers of young children and the "motherhood penalty" for women (which is important of course), but I think it goes beyond motherhood, and women being seen as caretakers in lots of different contexts.

Thank you! That sounds exciting. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

@Suddenfeelingofsadness

I won't be taking lectures on privilege from anyone thank you.

This is an honest thread about what we have done to make it in our careers.

I'm actually a lone parent not a single parent. I had to flee DV when DD15 was 1 and I have done everything on my own since.

How about supporting women rather than trying to bring them down.

@jeaux90 jeez I did nothing of the sort. I just said it's not an option for everyone. You must know that.

@Suddenfeelingofsadness yes of course I know that, and so does everyone else. I was sharing what did, there is no need to point it out.

You aren't the privilege police.