To be unsure if daughter's emotional reaction was normal for her age

[ChitterChatter1987]

This morning she had a meltdown because I didn't have any money for her school snack which she usually has on a friday (handbag with purse in was left in our other car which DH had at work)

Cue her refusing to leave for school (shutting herself in the bathroom) eventually getting in the car but crying and protesting on the way, nothing i was saying made any difference, got out the car at school 5mins later and she was then throwing herself on the floor still upset, I did make the mistake of trying to reason with her, which I'm aware doesn't work well when kids are emotionally flooded but was mostly sympathetic, didn't get angry or anything.I did get abit irritated when we were going round in circles and she just couldn't accept that these things happen.I had her toddler sister crying at the same time and we were late for school, other parents watching etc so it was stressful, but I did try to remain calm.

But the issue then was her friend was having it today, so my only suggestion of having it another day didn't cut it in her eyes, nothing was working to help her feel better.

She cried and protested all the way into school aswell, i was expecting to have to sit and wait to calm her down but explained the situation and they then lent her some money for the snack, which was kind of them, and she then went in fairly OK.

She is being assessed for ASD/ADHD so I'm trying to figure out if such strong reactions (on occasion) like this are usual for a 7yo, or if they are an indicator of SEN.She doesn't express emotions strongly at school or demonstrate any extreme reactions to difficulties or disappointments (but they've said she could be masking)

No parenting judgement or negative child-blaming comments about her please...it's been a difficult morning for us both.

I'm simply here others to reply who've got/had young daughters both neurotypical aswell as neurodiverse (hence why not posting in SEN) as to whether this sort of thing happening was your experience or not.

Thanks :)

Is she overtired? My 6yo is always really emotional & reacts worse to stuff like this when overtired or coming down with something.

She is only 7 so it's our money she uses anyway, the issue was I had accidentally left my purse in my handbag in the car my husband had taken to work.And I didn't have any spare coins knocking about anywhere.

Yes I was thinking this....DD's friend has actuually been diagnosed with ADHD so would be interesting to know.

Yes I definitely think that was an element....she was very testing last night too and hit DH which she hasn't done in ages.

It depends OP. Does she always react like this to disappointment or is it rare/a one off?

I have a very NT child around that age who is usually very chilled out. On the odd occasion he will have a melt down about something that wouldn’t usually bother him but not to that extent and never in public.

DD1 is a bit younger (5) and NT but we do occasionally have this kind of thing if all the stats align (in a bad way!). So in the ordinary course of stuff, this would be fine, she would be momentarily disappointed but would move on. But if other factors are going on: if it's a Friday and she's tired at the end of the week, if something else has happened beforehand, if she's coming down with something, etc then something relatively minor can suddenly become a really big deal and we get 20-30 mins of crying and shouting. So I don't think it's either usual or unusual, I think it's probably more nuanced and influenced by other stuff going on that has kind of made the perfect storm.

I think we sometimes dismiss stuff that seems minor to us, but for them there's a whole lot of other stuff linked to it that is a really big deal for them, even though it feels so insignificant to us. 7 is still very young to be dealing with big feelings and emotions, particularly at the end of a tiring school week.

This. And have just read she is a hitter too!
After behaving like that she wouldn’t be getting the money on the other day neither. Life is busy and we sometimes get it wrong (leaving purse in car). Dealing with disappointment is a life skill. ‘Oh silly mummy, right I am having extra ice cream tonight’ would have been a more appropriate response.

Dealing with disappointment is a life skill

Exactly. And that means you have to learn it first.

I don't think it's a normal reaction at 7yo, no. But I think it's a relatively common one in 7 year olds with SEN. We've had similar with our dd (7) when she's been overwhelmed with the effort of masking all day every day at school (the new school year is often a trigger for this). And the reaction is worse if she's hungry, tired, too hot, too cold etc. It's much more rare for her to react like this these days as we now understand where it comes from and work with her to use strategies that prevent it reaching this level. We're also better at spotting how she's feeling before it escalates and intervene at the right point and in the right way. But, she's an incredibly sensitive child and the 'joke' (privately) between dh and I is that she's cried, about something, and sometimes multiple times, every single day of her life. Life can be hard for her, disappointments like the one you describe, changes in what she's expecting to happen and when, can challenge her.

What support is she/ are you receiving while she's on the diagnosis pathway?

I think that's quite a normal reaction for a child of that age tbh. It's very disappointing at that age to not get their usual treat that they've been looking forward to all week.

I have one with ASD and one with ADHD. My kids use fixed routines/expectations differently; one uses them to cope with life, and the other uses them to get things done. You can guess which is which.

To help your child cope with a similar situation in the future, I would prep her for the scenario well in advance - this is what we do if that happens, etc. It'll give her the script for how to react. (If that is something she needs.)

Seven is getting old for a public meltdown if NT, but kids mature at different rates. You wouldn't blink if she were younger. But it's hard to infer from one anecdote, and girls often mask really well - especially at school.

The hitting is not on, though. I wouldn't have tolerated that at any age.

She didn't hit me that morning, it was the evening when she hit DH later on. She is not 'a little madam' just because she can be emotionally disregulated, and you insinuating so is unnecessary and incorrect.

I hadn't said she couldn't have the money for any reason...it was purely circumstancial why she couldn't.If I had taken it away as a consequence or something, then I would have declined the school's offer for sure.