To be unsure if daughter's emotional reaction was normal for her age

[ChitterChatter1987]

This morning she had a meltdown because I didn't have any money for her school snack which she usually has on a friday (handbag with purse in was left in our other car which DH had at work)

Cue her refusing to leave for school (shutting herself in the bathroom) eventually getting in the car but crying and protesting on the way, nothing i was saying made any difference, got out the car at school 5mins later and she was then throwing herself on the floor still upset, I did make the mistake of trying to reason with her, which I'm aware doesn't work well when kids are emotionally flooded but was mostly sympathetic, didn't get angry or anything.I did get abit irritated when we were going round in circles and she just couldn't accept that these things happen.I had her toddler sister crying at the same time and we were late for school, other parents watching etc so it was stressful, but I did try to remain calm.

But the issue then was her friend was having it today, so my only suggestion of having it another day didn't cut it in her eyes, nothing was working to help her feel better.

She cried and protested all the way into school aswell, i was expecting to have to sit and wait to calm her down but explained the situation and they then lent her some money for the snack, which was kind of them, and she then went in fairly OK.

She is being assessed for ASD/ADHD so I'm trying to figure out if such strong reactions (on occasion) like this are usual for a 7yo, or if they are an indicator of SEN.She doesn't express emotions strongly at school or demonstrate any extreme reactions to difficulties or disappointments (but they've said she could be masking)

No parenting judgement or negative child-blaming comments about her please...it's been a difficult morning for us both.

I'm simply here others to reply who've got/had young daughters both neurotypical aswell as neurodiverse (hence why not posting in SEN) as to whether this sort of thing happening was your experience or not.

Thanks :)

I know nothing about SEN but I know I’ve witnessed some spectacular melt downs from DDs yr2 friends in the last week. It seems like back to school tiredness has really got on top of a lot of them.

My NT 7 year old would be disappointed, and would let it be known, but she wouldn't have a meltdown.

My ND 6 year old would absolutely have a meltdown.

Maybe have some coins in both cars too, just in case.

Child Dependant I think. My 8 year old can still get herself into such a state that she “loses” herself. It can be over something pretty innocuous, but once it starts we just have to wait for it to pass. She does have some sensory issues, but I’m pretty sure she is NT.

Many children would be disappointed, especially if it was something they had imagined doing with friends etc. Add in Friday, tiredness and it's not hard to see why a seven year old would kick off.

What maybe significant here though is that you weren't able to move the child on, OP. Often by 7, they begin to be rational enough to understand that the purse isn't available and able to accept your alternative solution, if grudgingly.

If you are already seeing some neurodiverse traits this could be part of that picture. Equally, part of assessment is to consider alternative diagnosis so no single episode is definitive.

What I would perhaps suggest is looking online at strategies from ND charities and seeing if they help. Even if a diagnosis is agreed, you need to find the approaches that work for your child.

That would be completely normal for my DD17 who is autistic when she was that age,thankfully she's so much better at dealing with change now and she went to a mainstream school,managed to pass her exams and is now at College.

So even with being neuro diverse things can get better OP so try not to worry to much and well done for how you handled it,a meltdown is hard enough to deal with on it's own without other parents staring and an upset toddler to deal with as well.

It's hard to tell as I think it could be either. But I think most NT children can definitely have moments like this. Kids don't have the same perspective as adults. They have totally different priorities to adults too. To a young kid, their weekly 'treat' snack might be a key highlight of their week and so they get what seems disproportionately upset if something scuppers that.

Could be either. Both my NT and ND child might have been upset about that at that age.

But I think the thing that stands out for me is she stopped once she’d got the money and the treat was now reinstated. My autistic DC wouldn’t have been placated by that once he’d got himself upset - if he was melting down over something then there would be nothing I could give him that would help, including whatever it was he’d got upset by in the first place. My NT child would be upset, but they’d have stopped if I’d reinstated the snack or offered them something really desirable instead.

Same for my 23 yr old dd with autism.
She definitely would have reacted similarly to OP's dd when she was 7.
She would be absolutely heartbroken over things we thought were small and insignificant but to her she felt it so so deeply.

It could be either but to me it sounds more asd related (I have dd and ds asd) if it is not in her nature to atypicaly get this upset over minor things the pattern may have been the change to plan which is why solutions other then the plan weren't helping. In my dd if anything changes she becomes distressed( this includes the horrid things like changed/cancelled tests/ dentists/ hair wash ( which she hates )

I don't think you can go off one example. All kids have off days and huge tantrums about nothing occasionally (eg when tired, worried about something else, coming down with an illness). If she is like this often then I'd be concerned that something more could be going on but as a one off I wouldn't

I would have been equally upset, but would have held it inside because I know it wouldn't have made any difference, or that I would be massively criticised/punished for making a fuss.

So maybe it is more healthy that she felt safe enough to externalise her feelings to you.

DD has ADHD. She's 10 and would react exactly like that, age 7 or 10. We're working on it.

This is true. But what these threads always make me realise is how absolutely exhausting it must be for some parents of ND children to have to field these things daily. Its not like saying that can really help at a practical level, but I just wanted to recognise that.

My asd son 9 would react like this maybe on a slightly larger scale and probably wouldn’t tell us why. He would be kicking and screaming.
I once picked him up from school and he refused to come home with me instead laid on the floor refusing to look at me. It wasn’t until 3/4 hours later that he was able to tell me he was upset because I forgot to give him some money for a poppy.

however I can imagine any child that age getting upset at not getting a treat especially at the end of the week. So much is expected of children from a young age that we forget they are still quite young and have big emotions.

Yes we have always taught her to express her feelings, share her worries, etc.
She does that well with us (too well sometimes haha!)

Picked her up from school and she was all good....said she had felt better soon after going into the class and her teacher had asked her if she was OK.
Typically, her friend didn't actually have the snack today in the end as her mum had forgotten the money!

i used to be like this. I was even throwing myself on the floor when I was 16 years old 45 now and have just been diagnosed with autism and ADHD back in those days it wasn’t well known about
I’ve also been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder, not saying she has any of those but those are the actions I expect in children with Neurodivergent issues
could you not have lent her the money I guess it’s not about that, but her reaction

I would try - very gently and not too pointedly - asking if the friend was upset. “did she tell you?” ; “ how do you know she was upset?” etc. I wouldnt expressly link it to DD’s meltdown/ shame DD, but if the friend managed the disappointment without a tantrum in front of others, getting dd to ponder that might be a gentle way of pointing out alternative ways of handling the disappointment. Ultimately children are often the best teachers of other children!

I have ADHD, diagnosed, and can tell you I would have behaved like this at that age.

It's not about not getting her own way and while it may seem very trivial to you, your DD will be working incredibly hard to fit in and maintain friendships so this will feel very important to her. She will see letting her friend down and as having the potential to damage to the friendship and her own credibility. She won't like being though of as a liar. She will also believe this is highly unfair, instead of just a mistake/fact of life, as it was not circumstances she could control that caused her to let her friend down but in fact something you did, despite first approving the snack on friday. It won't really be about the treat at all that is a mislead.

One of my DDs used to have huge meltdowns like this when she was little, looking back her ASD was staring me in the face but she was masking a lot especially at school. Very tricky with girls.

As an ASN teacher one of the most important things I can teach children is how to self/regulate and one of the best ways is to ask a trusted adult for a squeeze hug. It often goes against how you are feeling when they are lying in the floor screaming but a big hug goes a long way.

Didn't you read the post, OP said no child-blaming comments! People become accountable for their actions when they're 25 and not a day before, diciplining your children and giving them consequences for wildly dramatic and out of line behaviour is basically abusing them! I used to think I would homeschool to help my children acheive academic excellence, but now I know avoiding my children being exposed to this kind of behaviour and thinking it's acceptable is the biggest benefit. I've seriously considered limiting contact with my neice, who will beat up adults and scream the house down if you tell her she can't have a bowl of nutella for dinner or that she can't snatch the TV remote from her grandfather's hand to turn of his show and put on stupid brainrot Youtube videos. I am really curious to see how the children of gentle parents turn out, I already have a good idea.

And to preemptively reply, my husband and I are both autistic and can say with certainty that you are doing your autistic children no favours by allowing displays like this.

My son has asd/adhd and reacts exactly like that when we’ve had similar situations.

You've said exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, this would trigger a meltdown with my autistic son. If he expects something which is part of a routine and that doesn’t happen he can react like this.