To not want dp to work more?

[BelleSauvage9]

3 dc (13, 2 and 1).

Dp currently leaves for work at 6:30am and gets home at 6pm (mon-fri). I'm a sahm atm.

Dp wants to start working Saturdays for a (unspecified) period of time in the hope that it will help boost career. I would be fine with this down the line when we don't have young children, but I'm against it atm as they are young and full on and I want his support and presence at the w/e. Dc1 also plays football every Saturday and I hate having to do the matches by myself with both toddlers in tow.

He says he hates being poor. I would say that we manage okay, our bills are paid, we have plenty of food, we manage to go out and do things on occasion etc. We can typically afford one uk holiday a year. I would much rather his presence than some extra money. He thinks I'm being unreasonable, am I??

You're not being unreasonable but i think you do have to suck it up as a SAHM. I was in your exact same position when i had a 6 month old, an 18 month old and a five year old. DH worked full time and then worked Sundays for an extended spell for more money. Which did come in handy at that time. I felt just the same as you at the start.

However, during that period, i became much more capable, and after a bit of self pity, i just got out with the kids myself at weekends.

DH did the Sundays for about 6 months i think. But i felt much boosted, knowing i was able to manage getting out and about with 3 perfectly well.

You say an unspecified period of time, but what is he estimating? How often does the promotion he want come around, does it then involve going back to Mon-Fri. I can see both sides, he is completely financially responsible for the family, and you are emotionally and practically responsible. Would this promotion give him more time? Maybe he's more concerned with your finances than you're aware of?

YANBU but financial stress is a huge factor in why many couples divorce.

Do you plan to go back to work at some point?

Hes not being unreasonable wanting to be more financially secure.

No he's not being unreasonable to want to be more financially secure, but as I said we do manage fine. And without it seeming petty to mention, he has no trouble buying unnecessary crap on Temu, and food when he's at work (rather than taking stuff from home) etc. he smokes and hasn't tried to cut down so that costs less (though does get cheaper cigarettes from a friend who gets them abroad). If he was really concerned about our financial situation then surely he would cut down on his own spending? And I don't spend much outside of essentials.

For the record I don't actually have an issue with what he spends, he works to earn money and he should be able to spend it on some things he wants and his spending isn't crazy so it's fine with me, I'm just making the point because of the mention of being worried about finances. Need to leave for toddler group but will comment again later! Also yes of course I intend to go back to work at some point but we both agreed not just yet.

But you do understand that he should be able to buy food at work or crap off temu, and you should be able to buy more than just essentials if that's what he wants to do? You are not in a great position if you are only buying essentials. That to me would say we are only just coping.

How strange that my comment was removed?! It didn't say anything it shouldn't have.

If it was just for additional £ then I might see your point but you say it’s to boost his career. He can’t wait 10 years for your youngest to no longer be a young child before he starts improving his career. He might miss a lot of opportunities or miss the boat altogether.

Please seriously consider the risk of being a SAHM when you’re not married. You have zero financial protection, he could leave tomorrow and you’d have nothing. Definitely suggest you get a job. And you can’t complain about his work when he is supporting you financially.

Everyone commenting for her to get a job the financial cost of childcare for a 1 and 2 year old may not be worth it at the moment?

It would have been the mention of the website

Yes that's the main reason. We've discussed a plan of when dc2 starts full days of school then we will just be covering the cost of childcare for dc3 and that's much more manageable.

Also I'm not talking 10 years down the line it'll be fine, I'm thinking more like 2/3 years down the line.

I agree with you OP. Terrible timing with a 2yo and 1yo. In a few years he can do this, or you could look at part-time work when free nursery kicks in (or school for youngest). He doesn’t need to make your life harder now. Saturdays with very young children are precious family time.

Any chance he could work on Sundays instead? If not, I’d say no for the next couple of years - particularly if you think he just wants more money to spend on tat rather than building up savings.

He is already working a lot of hours, one day off a week would be horrendous. Would you working a couple of evenings a week not make more sense. He’ll be at home for the children so no child care costs.

Yep-this? Can you find something in the evenings?

How much will he be earning on the Saturday mornings?

SAHM here, partner works long hours but has always had weekends off. Had a very stressful time at work for about 6 months when the children were younger and worked a day at the weekends too and it nearly drove me insane! It was coming out of lockdown, but x6 days a week doing full time childcare is SO HARD. Doable, yes, but I would be very strongly resisting this too and actually suggest he looks after the children a bit in the evenings or on a Saturday / Sunday so you can study or work, it would help your CV and all income would be tax free. Or maybe he waits until you get free childcare and then works on a Saturday. I would also suggest he tries walking in your shoes and doing a x6 day week with the children on his own to see how he finds it (!!)

I think the thing is, he's hoping it will boost his career.

He can't really be expected to put his career on hold (if he is ambitious) to help with childcare when you are a SAHM. I'd have thought the whole idea of you staying home was that he was free to concentrate on maximising earnings or career opportunities, and having only one salary does make finances tight.

I think he will resent you if you make a big deal of him cutting back on work when he's the sole breadwinner and wants to get on in life. Is he not likely to suggest that you pick up some of the slack and get a job if you don't want him doing more hours?

This is a better plan as you could work up to the tax threshold without paying tax on what you earn.

If he was really concerned about our financial situation then surely he would cut down on his own spending? And I don't spend much outside of essentials.

Not everyone wants a life where they don’t have much money beyond bare essentials.

You could get an evening job to bring in some extra money.

Is he ‘helping’ with childcare though if they are his own children that he has decided to have? What about the OP having to put her career on hold to allow him to work on his? I’m sure she wants to get on with life too! Presumably this was a joint decision they made together. As she does 60 hours of solo childcare a week she probably doesn’t have much energy to pick up more slack at the moment!

So he wants you to do more caring for your joint children so he can further his career and give himself future financial stability (which only benefits him if you split up so does not provide any security for you), but isn't keen on you working to provide yourself any future financial stability?

I would say to him that you value financial stability and you understand his position, so you want some security too.
Choice 1 - you get married so your personal and financial sacrifices to support his career actually benefit you too. Once married he can work X number of Saturdays (number/timescale mutually agreed) if the money can be found for childcare one day per week. Cutting back on Temu and stopping smoking should cover a good chunk of it. If it's that important to him he can manage I'm sure.
Choice 2 - you don't get married but you both work 3 days a week from now on and split the childcare, so you both have financial security. House or tenancy agreement should be in both your names. Equal pension contributions should be being made to both of you.

You both work more than full time at present. He is asking you to work more so that he can secure future financial benefits for himself which you have no legal entitlement to.

That’s just life though. If they only just have the essentials covered then someone needs to work more. Its pretty miserable to work all week but be berated because you spent money on a sandwich.

What s tge job?
Where s your financial security if you unmarried?
What if he drops dead from overwork? What life insurance etc is there