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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU to speak to my son's Dad?

31 replies

SpiderPlantInTheBathroom · 03/10/2024 21:57

My son is 14, and is brilliant most of time, I feel pretty lucky. However, I've been on my own with my sons for around 9 years, and I am struggling to come to terms with them growing up, finding this incredibly difficult since we left our old home of 9 years and I bought a new house, something the change must have triggered.

My son has been asked out by a girl, he said no. A few weeks later he told me he partly said no because he thought it would upset me. Since then this girl has asked him to go to her house several times and my son wants to go. I don't know the girl or her parents at all, so I've said no, but that'd I'd be happy to take them somewhere and pick them up again, or the girl can come to our house.

My son was annoyed at me, and told me when he gets older he's never talking to me again. It really upset me, and I ended up calling his Dad, to check what he thought and he agreed with me. This was on Monday. I just wanted support.

I've just told my son I'd spoken to his Dad, and he is so upset at me, he was teary and said his Dad will tell everyone and keep speaking about it to him and it'll be a whole big thing and he will not speak to me when he's older and he can't believe I did that.

I'm sitting feeling very guilty about it all, was I unreasonable to speak to his Dad?

OP posts:
Dartmoorcheffy · 03/10/2024 22:09

For heavens sakes he's 14 not 4! You are lucky he's even told you any of this. Just let him go to her house. What does it matter if you don't know the parents.

MangoRose · 03/10/2024 22:15

At 14 I would expect to know the parents, that is extremely restrictive. At 14 I would expect that they aren't wandering the streets at night and that they inform me of where they are going, if they move on somewhere else and that they arrange a safe way home.

Scutterbug · 03/10/2024 22:18

You’re not unreasonable for discussing it with your ex but really, I think at 14 he should be able to go to her house!

Mickey79 · 03/10/2024 22:24

You are being far too overbearing and will push your son away.

Original poster
SpiderPlantInTheBathroom · 03/10/2024 22:24

Really? Hes only just turned 14, and his two best friends are quite young 14 year olds, we live semi rural, and they never really go out other than to play club sports

OP posts:
RomeoMcFlourish · 03/10/2024 22:27

I agree with PP’s. That seems incredibly restrictive. I had parents who were like that and your son will end up doing what I did - hiding things and being ‘creative’ with the truth to enable him to do normal teenage things.

pictoosh · 03/10/2024 22:28

Her parents don't know you either but you think she should come to your house?

Look, he's 14. Let him go to his pal's house fgs.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 03/10/2024 22:28

If it was a boy would you let him go? It sounds very restrictive .at secondary you don't know the parents in the norm.

longestlurkerever · 03/10/2024 22:29

You expected her parents to be OK with her coming to yours though? Or to be dropped somewhere random by you? If her parents took your line they'd never meet up.

I don't think yabu for having a parenting discussion with your ex, but the comment about not wanting to upset you is concerning , though you don't say what you thought of it.

AmeliaEarache · 03/10/2024 22:31

YABVU - he’s 14, OP, he should be seeing friends without your intervention. That he turned down a date with a wee lass because it would upset you is a MASSIVE red flag that you’re over involved.

Give the poor kid some independence. He’s a teenager.

BubbleGumSplit · 03/10/2024 22:34

Honestly my 10 year old has more freedom than this. He should be able to have a girlfriend and he should be able to go to a friend's house

Breakfastofmilk · 03/10/2024 22:36

In addition to the points others have made about this being very overprotective for his age I think it's really worrying that he's making decisions about his social life based on fear of you being upset. It's really unhealthy for him to be so worried about you and how dependent you are on him.

Many parents find it difficult to let go as their kids get older but if you show too much of those feelings he will either restrict his life and be less happy than he could be to keep you "happy" (and potentially resent you for it) or he will rebel and push you away.

teenboymom · 03/10/2024 22:45

Wow, maybe things are different where we live but my teens 15/14 both out and about all the time. My 14 yr old has a girlfriend and out with her every day! Does she live close?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/10/2024 22:48

I agree it’s incredibly restrictive with a 14 yo

Justme2023123 · 03/10/2024 22:53

SpiderPlantInTheBathroom · 03/10/2024 22:24

Really? Hes only just turned 14, and his two best friends are quite young 14 year olds, we live semi rural, and they never really go out other than to play club sports

Why would you say "really?" You already posted about not letting your son go to this girl's house earlier in the week, and everyone on that post told you you were being overbearing.

Mangoandbroccoli · 03/10/2024 22:54

Didn't you post about this earlier in the week and were gently encouraged to find support for the way you are feeling but also overwhelmingly encouraged to allow your son some independence here?

WowSpeechless · 03/10/2024 23:03

you son has been confiding in you - big tick for your relationship!
You however, are being controlling and now its likely he will stop confiding in you.
yes its mad at 14 not to let him go to another child's house.

DragonGypsyDoris · 04/10/2024 06:26

SpiderPlantInTheBathroom · 03/10/2024 21:57

My son is 14, and is brilliant most of time, I feel pretty lucky. However, I've been on my own with my sons for around 9 years, and I am struggling to come to terms with them growing up, finding this incredibly difficult since we left our old home of 9 years and I bought a new house, something the change must have triggered.

My son has been asked out by a girl, he said no. A few weeks later he told me he partly said no because he thought it would upset me. Since then this girl has asked him to go to her house several times and my son wants to go. I don't know the girl or her parents at all, so I've said no, but that'd I'd be happy to take them somewhere and pick them up again, or the girl can come to our house.

My son was annoyed at me, and told me when he gets older he's never talking to me again. It really upset me, and I ended up calling his Dad, to check what he thought and he agreed with me. This was on Monday. I just wanted support.

I've just told my son I'd spoken to his Dad, and he is so upset at me, he was teary and said his Dad will tell everyone and keep speaking about it to him and it'll be a whole big thing and he will not speak to me when he's older and he can't believe I did that.

I'm sitting feeling very guilty about it all, was I unreasonable to speak to his Dad?

You can't baby your son forever. Give him some appropriate freedom.

GetDownkeith · 04/10/2024 06:59

Justme2023123 · 03/10/2024 22:53

Why would you say "really?" You already posted about not letting your son go to this girl's house earlier in the week, and everyone on that post told you you were being overbearing.

Show quote history

This is exactly what I was going to say. You posted this already and are acting surprised that you are getting the same answers.
You are lucky your 14 year old talked to you about this but you have successfully made sure he never does again and will just sneak off and do things behind your back.
my parents did this to me they never gave me any leeway so I hid things and trust me teenagers do stupid things and can get themselves into all sorts that you wouldn’t know about.

DeathNote11 · 04/10/2024 07:23

What's your plan? To keep an iron grip on him until he's 18 & then release him into the world having had no gradual introduction into making decisions about his own safety & relationships? You should have been gradually swapping out the 'control' for 'guidance' for 3 years by now. Your role is to prepare him for adulthood, not keep him in infantile dependency because it's easier than the alternative (worrying about whether they're making the right decisions, picking up the pieces when they don't & helping them learn from their mistakes). No wonder the lad is frustrated to the point of tears.

KrisAkabusi · 04/10/2024 07:27

I read your other thread. Firstly, I think you need to speak to your GP. You seem to be suffering from depression to me. Crying every day because your children are growing up isn't normal behaviour. You need to get help to deal with this. Secondly, this is leading you to be very restrictive with your kids. You go into more detail on the other thread than here, but you are being very overprotective and it's not helping them.

Take the advice you've been given each time. Get some help. And let your son meet the girl.

graceinspace999 · 04/10/2024 07:29

I’m going against the grain but I wish my parents had been as careful as you when I was 14! They might have saved me from an extremely traumatic experience.

I’d have a friendly chat with her parents. Fourteen is still very young.

SanFranBear · 04/10/2024 07:31

Not being unreasonable to speak to his dad but so SO U for stopping him going!

Letsbe · 04/10/2024 07:44

He must trust you a lot to tell you all this. You sound a good mum.he sounds a lovely kid. I would apologise and let him go.

And not being flippant watch Heartstopper it reminds us how difficult life is when you are a teenager.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 04/10/2024 07:56

I didn’t read your other thread but for the sake of your child and your relationship with him going forward, you need to allow him more freedom and get some help for yourself and dealing with your emotions etc so he doesn’t feel responsible for them and you.

It sounds like you’ve got a lovely boy there, at 14 rather than being so restrictive with what he does and who with, arm with the tools, knowledge and expectations so he can make good choices and be safe. Yes, it’s nerve wracking at first but it’s necessary.

I don’t understand why you contacted his dad about this if you were so sure you’re right? Your ex is your ex for a reason and your son is worried you’ve made his life more difficult because of this by the sound of it.

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