Was IBU to speak to my son's Dad?

[SpiderPlantInTheBathroom]

My son is 14, and is brilliant most of time, I feel pretty lucky. However, I've been on my own with my sons for around 9 years, and I am struggling to come to terms with them growing up, finding this incredibly difficult since we left our old home of 9 years and I bought a new house, something the change must have triggered.

My son has been asked out by a girl, he said no. A few weeks later he told me he partly said no because he thought it would upset me. Since then this girl has asked him to go to her house several times and my son wants to go. I don't know the girl or her parents at all, so I've said no, but that'd I'd be happy to take them somewhere and pick them up again, or the girl can come to our house.

My son was annoyed at me, and told me when he gets older he's never talking to me again. It really upset me, and I ended up calling his Dad, to check what he thought and he agreed with me. This was on Monday. I just wanted support.

I've just told my son I'd spoken to his Dad, and he is so upset at me, he was teary and said his Dad will tell everyone and keep speaking about it to him and it'll be a whole big thing and he will not speak to me when he's older and he can't believe I did that.

I'm sitting feeling very guilty about it all, was I unreasonable to speak to his Dad?

Is that typical of the area you live? Kids and teens where we live spend all day out and about with friends, only going home when they want fed. To not even be allowed to go to someone’s house at 14 is crazy.

I am struggling to come to terms with them growing up, finding this incredibly difficult since we left our old home of 9 years
this is your issue to deal with not one to limit your sons life.
He should not be living in fear of upsetting you, him saying he'll go NC when he's older should be your wake up call.

Thank you to everyone that has commented, I appreciate you taking the time.

I am really sad at how I'm feeling, feeling terrible for getting this wrong. My son didn't sleep well because he was so upset at his Dad being told, and I feel so guilty for causing that. I've told him how sorry I am, that I got this wrong, and this has been a real wake up call for me. I told him that I struggle with him getting older but that's on me to figure out, that i love and trust him and I told him this is my fault.

At 14 I was going out with friends and I got into a couple awful situations, and wad assaulted. My younger son also has ASD&ADHD, we're very close and I think this may also skew my approach to my eldest.

I appreciate what everyone is saying and devastated that I may have pushed my son away and know that he will think twice now before telling me anything. I didn't mean to feel this way and approach this to be restrictive, I think its a fear of the boys going out into world and worrying about them, and also if I'm really honest, I think its also about abandonment. It's my problem to work on.

Id ask for the parents number as you just want to check with them it's OK before hw goes. It's not unreasonable to not want to send your son to someone's house who's family you don't know. Doubt the girls parents would be happy to just send their 13/14 yr old daughter to a strangers house. Personally I'd say I'm happy for you to go but would like to speak to the parents/guardians first. It is good he's opening up to you though, I think there always needs to be a happy balance otherwise you risk him not opening up to you or telling you where he is going in the fiture

@SpiderPlantInTheBathroom , I'm glad you've heard the advice you've received. I'm not sure you're in a place to work on that on your own. I suggest making an appointment with your GP to request some counselling.

You are emotionally dependent on your children, which is unhealthy and a very unfair burden to put on them. No 14 year old should be curtailing his friendships and chances to meet people because he knows his mother will cry over it. He loves you and he sees you are emotionally vulnerable... is that a weight you want a child to carry for you? I'm sure it isn't.

The boys should go out into the world - that's what it's there for. They need to grow, thrive, make mistakes, be hurt, learn, try again, and move forward. Our role as mothers is to prepare them for that as best we can, support them and advocate for them, and help them get back on their feet when they fall.

If you do it right, motherhood is a process of making yourself redundant. That's hard, and it can hurt.

Wouldn't you rather have resilient, independent sons thriving in the world who keep in touch because they want to than sons who can't fulfill their potential because they think you'll fall apart without them?

Or worse, sons who come to resent how close you keep them, so hide things from you and dont keep in touch as adults because of the guilt trips?

It's early days in their teen development. This is a tiny stumble. Learn, get help with your mental wellbeing, and go on to be the mum your lads deserve.

Cut the apron strings and give your head a big wobble.

You have utterly humiliated your son by talking to his dad.

He's unlikely to come to you with something like this again unless you apologise immediately.