Daughter doesn’t like neighbour- should I force her to be friends?

[GlueNoGlue]

I’m in a really awkward situation with our next door neighbours. They moved in last year and daughter transferred to the school. They’re the same age and in the same class. My daughter played with her a bit at the beginning but has really gone off her over summer (they’re both 7). Neighbour's daughter can be quite controlling and obnoxious but they do have similar interests and they’re in class together daily. Neighbour caught me last week and was really upset. She was saying how sad her daughter is and how she has no friends except my DD. The mum is throwing a birthday party soon and is worried no one will come.
in general, I’m not keen on forcing my DD to be friends with anyone, but I feel bad for this child and her mum. I would be devestated if it was me and DD. I suggested some clubs where mum could stay and help out to encourage her DD to make friends. Unfortunately neighbour then asked which we go to, she wants to put her daughter in the same ones so she knows someone. I just feel like my DD is going to be forced into the friendship she doesn’t want. I’ve said to DD to make sure the girl isn’t left out at school, but she can be quite possessive of my DD and it means my child doesn’t want to play with her? What do I do? I don’t want to force a friendship but also don’t want to actively leave her child out? I said I’d book to take DD and a couple of friends to see Moana when it comes out. I know I should invite next door’s daughter but I also know my child won’t pick her if she gets to choose? But then it’s obvious when they’re in the garden and her child hasn’t been invited? What do I do?

Nope, encourage her to be kind but she definitely doesn't have to be friends. You could tell her to ask neighbours DD to join with games with her and her friends at school so that she isn't left out but not as a one to one. And she definitely doesn't need to invite her to anything she doesn't want to, unless its a "whole class" event.

If someone else was in charge of your life, would you be happy if they forced you to be friends with someone who exhibited controlling and obnoxious behaviours towards you?

Your DD should always be polite and kind to all children. She should not be forced to befriend them if they are nasty to her. You'd be teaching her to put up with abuse so as not to offend the abuser (not saying this child is abusive of course but this is the childlike equivalent of nastiness in adult relationships).

Re having friends over in the garden, of course that's fine. She is allowed to have best mates and choose who they are!

Of course not.

Have you observed the child being controlling and obnoxious? If so, don't make your daughter override her feelings in order to 'be kind'. You're setting her up for a lifetime of tolerating bad behaviour.

This nails it

Would you like to be forced to be friends with someone you didn't like? That's your answer. I would tell the neighbour, gently, that DD goes to the clubs to broaden her circle of outside-of-school friends, so while neighbour-DD could join those clubs, your DD is already in friendship groups there, so maybe it would be best for N-DD to pick other ones so she (N-DD) doesn't feel bad when someone she knows already has other friend groups in the club

You can’t force a friendship. By all means invite the other child as part of a group occasionally but don’t force it if your daughter actively dislikes the other girl. If the neighbour at some point flat out asks if your DD doesn’t want to play with hers you could then (diplomatically) tell her her child wants to play exclusively and not include others and that’s putting DD off.

I think you do sometimes get the clingy friend who tries to keep others away from their “special” friend especially if she’s new and has no social bonds yet. You could put it like that?

Good luck - wee girls can be a minefield!!

No, don’t force her to be friends. It only increases the likelihood that your DD will get frustrated with her and it will end in arguments. Let DD keep her distance but remind her she should always be polite/kind to everyone in her class.

Could you have a quiet word with DD’s teacher, maybe teacher could steer the other girl toward other friendships or talk to the mum about social issues she’s having.

NO!! She should be pleasant / kind when she bumps into nextdoors kid but she absolutely doesn't have to be friends. You get to choose your friends. I live next door to a similar aged lady to myself but I don't want to be her friend. I can have my mates over in the garden without worrying that NDN might get sad and so can she. Same applies to your kid.

Never force a friendship or make your child learn she needs to be a people pleaser over her own wants. Be kind obviously, but if the girl keeps calling to play, then Not Today it, til it peters out

I think DD should go to the party but there is no need to invite the girl next door to anything outside school . You can’t stop the other child joining in any clubs - but presumably your DD already has her own friendship group at those clubs and will just continue .

If it gets more problematic also have a word with the teacher

No you shouldn't force a friendship. I think when neighbour's daughter does make other friends, you'll be off the hook, and that's probably only a matter of time.
My mum kept arranging for me to play with her friend's daughter who lived nearby, I didn't like her and we had nothing in common but my mum didn't want to offend her friend so she accepted every time this woman suggested a play date. It only ended when I told my mum how this girl used to demonstrate to me something that should have been private.

I think there has been a bit of a leap from 'controlling and obnoxious' to 'abuse'. Most the 7 year old girls I know are a bit controlling and obnoxious. I feel sorry for the neighbour - she is 7 for gods sake. Obviously your daughter has no obligation but trying to help her make friends would be the nice thing to do. 'Not today til it peters out' is just cruel in my opinion! It would be a good life lesson for the daughter to make an effort to help the neighbour girl make some more friends, rather than brush her off.

I think dd should go to her party - that’s polite and good etiquette, but don’t force a friendship.

If do wants to invite other friends to the cinema, that’s fine, you don’t have to include neighbour. If neighbour asks why her daughter wasn’t invite, just give a vague answer - space in car, these friends had dd to play so returning favour etc.

I fear this neighbour could become a nuisance, always knocking on door to invite do to come and play, so be b prepared to set up boundaries (family time, resting, about to eat etc) especially if mum is already wanting her to join same clubs. Sounds suffocating to me.

“It would be a good life lesson for the daughter to make an effort to help the neighbour girl make some more friends, rather than brush her off.”

Not daughters responsibility , and op already has said she’s possessive.

I think it's not so clear cut, having a party with children from her class in your garden, while child next door also in the class is watching from her garden is pretty cruel. How would your DD feel if places were reversed. If there are limited places for the main event perhaps say girl next door can come over for the bit at home at least.

You can't force them to be friends, but they are inevitably going to be thrown together living next door to each other and in the same class at school, it may be very convenient sometimes for them to travel to and from school together, share lifts to school events and birthday parties, go to each others houses if a parent is suddenly going to be late home. They don't need to be BFFs but a friendly relationship (if possible) would be good.

Your daughter is very cleverly asserting herself and avoiding someone who is not a good influence. She needs to use these skills throughout her life in determining who is positive and who is toxic. Don’t make her override these feelings in favour of others feelings. She doesn’t have to be nasty but she should always go with her gut feeling about who is trouble and who to avoid.

Why is how the mother or how her child feels your job to fix? Please don't use your daughter to boost the self-worth of this girl and her mother. If she is rude and obnoxious that SHOULD be a clue that behaviours need to change. If you facilitate this 'rescuing' you are teaching your daughter to be a people pleaser instead of respecting her right to choose her friends. How would you feel if someone forced you to be friends with someone you didn't want to spend time with?

Nobody, under any circumstances, should be forced to be friends with someone they don't like. How would you like it if you were being told to spend your leisure time with someone whose company you really didn't enjoy? Your daughter obviously shouldn't be rude or unkind to your neighbour's child, but she really, really shouldn't have to socialise with her if she'd rather not.

This is how I would handle it. I’ve had less experience of this, perhaps because mine are boys, but I’ve got friends with DDs who had to deal with the mum of the clingy, controlling child who no one likes - and they did similar, because they weren’t prepared to make their own DD miserable, and neither should they. The mother needs to know that her daughter’s behaviour is putting other children off being friends with her. It can be said gently - as suggested above - but it needs to be said if the mother tries to push her DD on to yours.

I expected my DC to be polite and kind - but not necessarily close friends. I insisted that all boys in the class were invited to big group parties at 5/6/7/8 - but not later when they only had 5 or 6 friends to the cinema.

You can’t force a friendship and you shouldn’t try. As long as your daughter is polite and kind to the other girl when they happen to be together, and doesn’t do anything deliberately to upset/exclude her, she has every right to choose not to be friends!

Never force friendships

This post is so true and exactly what my mum did to me

DON’T DO IT OP!

If you force friendships you’re essentially making her a people pleaser and saying she must accept crumbs off the table

Absolutely not. Don’t train her to dismiss her own feelings and allow someone else to put their wants first. You don’t want her to end up as one of those “people pleasers” who post on MN feeling guilty because they don’t want to allow someone else to walk all over them, but have no idea how to say no to anyone.