Daughter doesn’t like neighbour- should I force her to be friends?

[GlueNoGlue]

I’m in a really awkward situation with our next door neighbours. They moved in last year and daughter transferred to the school. They’re the same age and in the same class. My daughter played with her a bit at the beginning but has really gone off her over summer (they’re both 7). Neighbour's daughter can be quite controlling and obnoxious but they do have similar interests and they’re in class together daily. Neighbour caught me last week and was really upset. She was saying how sad her daughter is and how she has no friends except my DD. The mum is throwing a birthday party soon and is worried no one will come.
in general, I’m not keen on forcing my DD to be friends with anyone, but I feel bad for this child and her mum. I would be devestated if it was me and DD. I suggested some clubs where mum could stay and help out to encourage her DD to make friends. Unfortunately neighbour then asked which we go to, she wants to put her daughter in the same ones so she knows someone. I just feel like my DD is going to be forced into the friendship she doesn’t want. I’ve said to DD to make sure the girl isn’t left out at school, but she can be quite possessive of my DD and it means my child doesn’t want to play with her? What do I do? I don’t want to force a friendship but also don’t want to actively leave her child out? I said I’d book to take DD and a couple of friends to see Moana when it comes out. I know I should invite next door’s daughter but I also know my child won’t pick her if she gets to choose? But then it’s obvious when they’re in the garden and her child hasn’t been invited? What do I do?

Gosh I knew this when my mum was forcing friendships in 1984

This was sadly SO SO TRUE of my cos what my mum did

I could repost this post a thousand times

I wish parents didn’t do this to their kids. Sometimes I think they’re trying to get themselves brownie points with the other child’s parents, but children shouldn’t be used as currency to ingratiate oneself with other people.

Not clear how you expect people to vote in the poll. You shouldn't force her to be friends. Adults don't have to be friends with their neighbours and neither do children. She should be polite to her but she can choose her friends and who she socialises with. You could tell the neighbour that her daughter can be a bit bossy and may find it easier to make friends if she lets other children be in charge sometimes and if she doesn't try and have exclusive friendships

A child in my dd's class at school was like this. Very controlling and demanding, and something of a bully as well. Stealing stuff out of her pencil case and then lying about it, saying dd had given things to her. Demanding that dd didn't play with other kids in the playground but only with her, all that sort of thing. In the end, we had to speak to the teacher, otherwise they would have continued to sit them together in class all the time, and when it came to moving up a year, we insisted that they were in separate classes (it was a big enough school for there to be several classes in each year group). Unbeknown to us, this kid and her mum had both separately asked the school to make absolutely sure that they were kept together! Guess what?

We were not happy. Especially since it happened not once, but two bloody years running, AND they roomed them together on a school residential trip despite us insisting that they didn't.

Thank God the message got through when they were older and changed schools.

Thank you! Most of you have said what I was hoping, even though I feel a bit guilty for it!

For those who’ve asked, yes I’ve seen the behaviour. It’s things like she will insist on games being played a certain way, or tell DD she has to sit next to her, or tell other friends they’re not allowed to join in because they’re playing together?

it’s not a party in the garden, just a trip to the cinema and then I said the friends could have dinner at the house. I can only fit four in the car so that would be the limit. I’d be so upset if it was the other way around but I don’t want to force a friendship if there’s not one there naturally?

She's so little and has the potential to learn, so I would take a middle ground approach as right now she will be feeling like the victim in the situation and the mum doesn't have anything to work with.

This isn't a random child, it is a neighbour, so there isn't the option of just having no relationship, they will be very aware of each other, when they start walking to school, for example, so try to keep on reasonable terms.

I would have her round but be more present and step in if she is unkind to your DD, so you get a fuller picture and she gets the chance to be nicer. Perhaps set up a board game and play with them or Just Dance or something, rather than leaving them to come up with ideas, which always ends up the more dominant one being in charge at 7. Maybe go to the park with mum and the girl, so you can both see the dynamic and step in - it will help the mum see what to work on with her.

If the mum is telling you she is worried, you can feedback kindly that it's always hard to fit into established groups at a new school but her DD is trying to force a certain dynamic, it's making things worse. You can say that DD is a little nervous around her, for example.

Also, if you force them to be friends, I can guarantee you that the neighbour's child will drop yours like a hot rock once they've found their feet, leaving your DD at best bemused.

You definitely shouldn’t force friendships. I agree that all children should be taught to be kind and polite to their classmates, but they don’t have to be friends.

Perhaps the Mum should talk to the school about support her Dd can be given with making friends and social cues. With these children who are seek as “obnoxious” it might be as simple as not understanding social cues from others, and needing support to learn this. Few children are just downright obnoxious.

No, you can’t socially engineer a relationship out of awkwardness for the neighbour. Tbh if it comes up again, I would gently direct the neighbour to chat to school to see how DD is settling in and whether there are friendship issues - hopefully they will have seen that she is bossy/overbearing and be able to advise on how to support her little girl on building friendships (they can, for instance, refer her to schemes where they learn friendship skills run by the LEA/CC).

If she asks about your DD specifically, I’d also be honest and say that there is a personality conflict so you don’t feel it is wise for either child to force a friendship where one hasn’t developed naturally.

This is exactly what I thought my mum did back in 1984

I’d feel sorry for the other child too but no, you absolutely should not try to force your child to have a friendship with someone she doesn’t get along with.

Would you like it, if someone forced you to spend time with someone you didn’t like?
No? There’s your answer.

You lost me at forced. Dont turn your daughter into a people pleaser or a mug.

I was such a people pleaser /mug as a child courtesy of my mum I was bullied /humiliated to kingdom come

And just look at the awful situations that can arise when girls and women feel obliged to BeKind to men they don’t feel comfortable with, because “he’s lonely”. Never mind the warning signs they’re seeing - the poor man is lonely!

Don't force her to be friends, for goodness sake. What sort of lesson do you think that will teach her as she grows up?

Never force friendships, all you show your daughter is that her feelings don't matter as much as the other persons. Kindness yes but no forced friendship. You don't want her to grow up a people pleaser you want her to grow up making her own decisions.

Please don't teach your daughter that her feelings and instincts don't count because she has to do what other people want her to do! If course she should be polite and not deliberately mean to someone else but she has a right to be friends with whomever she wants, it's not her job to please others.
If you start teaching her at a young age to always give way to what other people think and feel you are setting her up for a lifetime of self doubt and making her easy to be manipulated in the future.

What I am going to say is coming from a place of kindness not criticism but this situation is a you problem not your child’s.
You feel awkward and guilty because the neighbours child is unkind to your child and controlling. Your child is telling you that they don’t want a relationship with this child and you need to be firm with the other parent that this is the case. Your neighbour will know that her child shows these behaviours and she needs to get support for her child.
What you need to show your child is that it is okay to have boundaries and they don’t need to tolerate controlling behaviours.
Unfortunately for the other child, this is a consequence of their behaviours.

it's tricky but forcing a friendship on her will never work. I'd be inclined to have a word with the mum and say that although you don't mind her DD being around, that their personalities don't really match and that's why they aren't closer. If she asks what you mean tell her....... that the DD can be controlling and over bearing and your DD doesn't like it. Best to be straight because if she does start a class that your DD is in and she ends up not liking the club (and the friend) then it will be harder to explain than if you'd said upfront. You don't need to be mean about it, just explain they aren't a good fit

Could you raise it with the teacher and ask if they can find the other child a friend? Happened to my child at 6 and at first the school forced them together and didn’t listen to my concerns, the teacher even said I hadn’t raised any after weeks of speaking to her but after a TA at school stepped in and said she was worried about the relationship they swapped them classes and focused on friendship for the other child. My child thrived when free of the burden and forced friendship of the other child. Worth a shot maybe?

I WISH WISH my parents had taken note of this 😡😡😡😡