Partner with autism lacks empathy: what is a good response?

[CallyT]

Overall he is very sweet and generous but sometimes I feel I can't really speak to him about my feelings.

Recently I thought a long term friend had ghosted me. I told him it had upset me and he said 'yeah but you can choose how you react to it'. Which upset me more!

This is like saying anyone can 'choose' to react to break ups, a bereavement, etc. What is a good response to this?

This might not necessarily be anything about autism or empathy, and more him thinking you’re looking for advice or a solution to how you’re feeling. Perhaps being clear about when you’re just looking to have a moan, or would like a hug, or want to wallow for a bit; and when you’d like constructive advice or help with a problem would help?

@ComtesseDeSpair I'm not sure if it can be separated from the autism because I know if I made th statement that I was upset to a friend their response would be to comfort me.

Maybe I need to start by telling him the reaction I want or need? Doesn't feel very organic but maybe I need to be direct.

With my Autistic friends, I have to spell out what I want from them, so instead of making a statement about what happened, make the statement in future about how the happening has affected you, and what you want from him.
E.g. “My other friend ghosting me has really hurt my feelings - can I have a hug to make me feel better?” may elicit the response you are after…

In fairness, while it's direct, it's pretty much exactly what a therapist might tell you: you can't control how you feel and you have every right to be upset, but you can control how you react to this situation.

If you want a particular emotional response then you can tell him so. "I don't want solutions, I just want a hug and some sympathy, I'm feeling sad about xyz." Or open with what you want: "Can I have a hug? I'm feeling sad about xyz."

Yes, I don't think it's at all an unhelpful response. But obviously, if what you want is sympathy, or a hug, or for him to say 'That woman was always a bitch!' (whether this is in any way accurate), then you may need to say so, clearly.

Explain that you’re looking for comfort and emotional validation when you say things like that, not a solution. Give an example of what that looks like, so you’re giving him a model to use. Then keep reminding him when he inevitably doesn’t do it right away. Eventually he should get it. The key thing is that you want him to listen, you want to feel heard and understood. He needs to learn and practise that skill. He needs to agree to learn and practise that skill.

Yeah this likely isn’t an autism thing, I’d probably say the same. I do think you might try being specific what you’re looking for from him.

“I need to vent… Patty has ghosted me and I feel like shit”
”No problem solving just need to get this off my chest”
”This situation hurt my feelings and I need to sympathy “

I would say “I actually can’t. The feeling comes, it’s overwhelming and I have to deal with it.”

Explain how your brains work to each other as you go through things.

I sometimes think male brains respond differently to female ones. If I have a problem my husband tries to solve it when I want empathy! First husband was the same.

Can be annoying at times

Honestly, my brain just doesnt click with emotion and when other people talk about their feelings, i have no idea really whats going on but i know i need to make a response, and that response in my mind is whir through a collection of possible outcomes and offer a solution to fix or mitigate whatever is creating the upset so that it stops and you/someone feels better.
I know it comes across as callous and not in touch with feelings, but some people arent, but even if they arent, they still want to try and repair what is happening, even if its by saying something that seems utterly outrageous like "you can choose how to react"
Not helpful to you, but to the cold brained, a perfectly reasonable solution.
Hard to describe, but i can tell you that however clumsy, that was meant to help.

It doesn’t help though. So ideally you would learn to respond differently so you actually can help the person talking to you. You’re human therefore you are capable of this. It’s just different to your usual patterns of behaviour.

This is great.

How about you lot learn to stop harping on about feelings and just fix whatever the problem is.

Or at least mimic not being overly dramatic until you’ve calmed down enough not to unload it all over your nearest and dearests like a dump truck.

“just learn to respond differently” not sounding so great now huh.

From reading your post, I have interpreted your DP response as you can choose how to react in a practical way.. as in, do you ghost her back, have a bitch to other people about her etc. That is stuff you choose... but you can't choose how you feel, as in upset.

Just say you can't help how you feel, and state what it is you think would help.. be that a hug and a chance to rant, or whatever you feel best.

My DP is autistic, and when I am struggling with something, he is very solution focused, and will often suggest things that have helped him in the past, because that has worked for him. However, he does know that feelings are not a choice (he gets big feelings about some very minor things at times).

You’re perfectly entitled to your perspective and to live like that, but it comes with limitations. Namely that you will lack real intimacy with the people around you as you’re not willing to emotionally connect. In a relationship your partner is likely to feel progressively more stressed and unhappy and then leave you to find someone who is willing to connect with them.

My DP is autistic and has a naturally dismissive personality in some ways but has been willing to listen to me, to grow and change to build a stronger relationship with me. He can connect better to his feelings too and sees that as important to his experience of life.

He doesn't lack empathy. The offering of a solution to the immediate problem of you feeling bad is a display of empathy; he doesn't want you to feel bad. He knows that if he was in your position, he'd want somebody to offer a solution...so he's putting himself in your shoes and doing the same for you. What would you call that, other than "empathy"?

It's just not the non-statement platitude you're used to from neurotypical friends.

Look up the double empathy problem, and realise...to him, you lack empathy - because if you react to his problems with "Oh, that's so horrible...", he's going to feel the same way as you do about this - because to him, the correct response is to help with a solution, not commiserate.

This is called masking and is why a lot of people spend their lives trying to work out what someone wants from them and acting in that way rather than being themselves.

If it was the other way round and the person wanted solutions and not emotion how would you know what is required of you?

I disagree, speaking from a family with lots of autism. Active listening is a skill. As is connecting to and expressing emotions. People with autism need to be heard and connected with too.

It's important to understand emotion but teaching someone to act in a way that they don't feel is a completely pointless exercise for them, and only gives the impression that they're behaving in an acceptable way.

This

There's a great book about this I read ages ago - I think by Deborah Cameron? Does that ring a bell with anyone.
I'm not sure if my DH is different or I just worded it differently but when my mum was really cold about something recently I told DH "I'm still really upset about X. She was so rude!" he said "oh I know, she was wasn't she". Which I'm guessing is the kind of response you wanted.

He is right though.

You can choose how you react to things and how they throw you off

But that means you expect the other person to change how they think, because you won't or can't. And you don't think you are being unreasonable !

How about each of you accept how the other thinks, and when you need to vent, or when he needs a logical answer to a problem, you each choose someone else in your family circle to provide what is necessary.

So how have you changed to accommodate him? Serious question.

I don’t think it’s necessarily an innate sex-based thing, so much as how we’ve been raised to handle emotions, conflict, and challenging situations: and I suspect that because of the way boys and girls are socialised differently, with boys often discouraged from being emotional and encouraged to “do” rather than “be”, many men end up with that mindset more so than women.

I’m a solutions-focussed type, I very rarely get upset or anxious or stressed or scared, but when I do my immediate reaction is to think “what can I do to sort this situation out?” The last thing I want is somebody placating me or agreeing that I should be upset because it doesn’t help the problem!

I’ve learned over time that others respond differently to their emotions, and I’ve gotten much better at just offering friends who want it sympathy, or a hug, or letting them cry and have a vent; but it often feels terribly false and empty to do so, because inside I’m often thinking “what’s the point of all this, it isn’t actually addressing the issue that’s making you upset / anxious” (although I accept that some people do feel that the sympathy does help the problem) and it’s definitely not something which comes instinctively.