Partner with autism lacks empathy: what is a good response?

[CallyT]

Overall he is very sweet and generous but sometimes I feel I can't really speak to him about my feelings.

Recently I thought a long term friend had ghosted me. I told him it had upset me and he said 'yeah but you can choose how you react to it'. Which upset me more!

This is like saying anyone can 'choose' to react to break ups, a bereavement, etc. What is a good response to this?

Or in other words, "You can choose how to react" 🤣

I was going to say exactly this. Autistic people don’t lack empathy, they show empathy differently.

He’s absolutely right in what he said, and I personally would’ve found his comment helpful.

An autistic person applying the "What would I want in that situation?" rule, and offering the support that instinctively feels the most helpful and natural to them, is often dismissed as unempathetic and insensitive. They may learn, or be told, to try and suppress their natural empathetic response, and remember to substitute it with the unintuitive response that the other person actually needs. Difficult to learn with a social communication disorder, but sure, I do my best.

Meanwhile, no matter how many times I tell someone that being touched when I'm upset or stressed only multiplies my distress, many people cannot/will not learn to suppress their natural, instinctive response of a shoulder-pat, an arm-stroke, a hug, a handhold. I try to hide the additional distress they've caused, for the sake of their feelings. But if I explain and request that they don't touch me when upset — or even if they've seen it push me into a state of wordless panicked withdrawal that takes hours to recover from — they'll go right ahead and touch me again the next time. It just feels right to them to touch a distressed person, I guess, and they either forget it won't help, or just think that their way is right regardless. Such empathy.

I think this is really defeatist. That we should turn to others for emotional comfort and give up on emotionally connecting with our partners because they’ve not learned that skill yet. It’s not impossible or faking anything, it’s just pausing and allowing space for emotions. Emotions are really intense with autism so it’s a defence mechanism to close yourself off from them, but it’s not in your best interest to do so.

Yes, exactly.

Sometimes when I'm upset I just him to commiserate, not give a solution off the bat.

I want him to recognize my emotion and hurt as a first step.

Yes the thought of having to turn others outside of my relationship all the time to get this need fulfilled is not really something I want.

I'm also a solution-focused fixer. I don't think it's a sex thing or even an autism thing. When someone complains to me my mind only goes to what concrete steps they can take, or I can help with, to resolve their problem. When I complain to someone it's because I can't think of a solution and I want them to come up with one! I don't want a hug and I don't want them to just hear me out.

OP, how long have you been going out with your partner? If it's a fairly new relationship it's OK to realise you need a partner who's better at the whole huggy empathy stuff, and go and find one. If it's a longer-term one, if he's got enough good points that outweigh this, you might need to just deal with the fact that this is how he is, and it's a very common personality trait. He won't change and you shouldn't make him change.

That was actually good advice. Odd it upset you.

It doesn’t make sense to ask for empathy from an autistic person who doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to give that.

This is what you sign up for when you have a relationship with someone whose autism is expressed that way.

You need to lean on your friends and other family.

And yes "you can choose how you react to it" is terrific advice to stop someone wallowing. Whatever you're feeling, your course of action still needs to be a conscious decision.

He's right. The stories you tell yourself about a situation impact your reaction.

You "thought" a friend had ghosted you and so that led you to feeling upset. You could have decided that she is busy at the minute, or got a lot on at work, or decided to be proactive and call her to check all is well. Each of these situations would have led to a different set of emotional responses. In your case, because you told yourself the story that she was ghosting you, you got upset.

As I get older I do wonder if I am autistic myself. Why waste emotional energy being upset about something when you don't have sufficient evidence to conclude on what the other person's motivations are? Find out first, then get upset. No need for upset based on one possible interpretation from a myriad of possible interpretations of a situation.

Personally I've never known a neurotypical bloke who would grab me with both arms, pull out a hanky and instantly "understand". This includes my dad, my brothers and 2 husbands!

@ginasevern you might have a point there.

I do have one male friend who is quite sensitive but overall I think you might be right...

I don’t agree that it’s an either/or for solution / empathy seeking. There’s a time and place for offering solutions. I do often discuss problems I’m facing to talk them out and seek / discuss potential solutions. You can easily reference this by saying things like “I’m not sure what to do about this, what do you think?”

Equally it’s quite obvious that sometimes solutions aren’t needed. If you are sad because your pet has died or because a friend has ditched you or because you’ve just lost your job, you do need people around you to offer a little sympathy, autistic or not. You can discuss potential solutions and next steps once the wave of emotion has hit and been processed a little.

There are some unhelpful tropes being shared here, along the lines that autistic people are somehow robots who can’t do emotions, it just isn’t true.

In truth if your partner is only capable of offering solutions they are being quite self serving. They want you to feel better because it suits them for you to be happy. They want to provide solutions because it suits their ego to be the one who has the logical answers to all life’s problems.

The advice is not wrong

Recently I thought a long term friend had ghosted me. I told him it had upset me and he said 'yeah but you can choose how you react to it'. Which upset me more!

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

The “you can choose how you react to it” with “it” being any upsetting situation is exactly what autistic children are told almost daily by well meaning neurotypical parents, school teachers and others.

If autistic child says that school assembly overwhelms them and they feel panic- sorry kid, you can choose how you react so sit down and be a good boy/girl.

If autistic child says that wearing a blazer makes them feel like they are wrapped up like a mummy and they can’t stand it- sorry you’re in secondary school you should be able to control this and not over react to wearing required uniform.

If autistic child out shopping with parents reaches their limit after three shops and gets so overwhelmed they run off or fling themselves to the floor and have a meltdown- what are they told? “Look I know it’s alot for you, but you can choose to not run away of throw a rolling on the ground tantrum over it…”

Autistic adults have grown up repeatedly being told you might feel x, but you can control how you react. Which is bollocks and upsetting to anyone, but by adulthood an autistic adult thinks this is the script this is what you are supposed to say to an upset person. Because it is what they have heard all their lives.

In truth if your partner is only capable of offering solutions they are being quite self serving. They want you to feel better because it suits them for you to be happy. They want to provide solutions because it suits their ego to be the one who has the logical answers to all life’s problems.

This is not even remotely truth. Most people who are solution oriented when faced with emotional situations were raised in environments where their feelings were never validated or were dismissed as being overly dramatic and all they got were do calm down there is an obvious solution. So growing up, that was the role model they had of how to handle an emotional situation. This is most common in anyone with a condition that has emotion dysregulation as a trait and in males. The OP’s DH ticks both boxes.

I know plenty of women who'd never do that instinctively either, including me. And plenty of men I know are very good at hugging and comforting.

He's not wrong, you can choose how you react to it... but that wasn't what you were asking. Tell him "How I react and how I feel are two different things. My friend has hurt my feelings and I feel sad about it. I think I need something to take my mind off it, let's go out/ I think I need some time by myself to mope/ I think I need some more friends, any suggestions on how to meet new people..." or be more direct in whatever you want him to do/say

And furthermore it’s what they would say to their own children so it’s unreasonable for you to say it’s what autistic children are told by “well meaning neurotypical parents and teachers”. It’s a huge misstep to assume that autistic people can automatically relate to and meet the needs of other autistic people.

Oh wow, really?
Thats super interesting.
Do you offer more relationship insights and advice? Have you got a website?
Any motivational speaking gigs we should know about? "How to train the autistic mind by InWithPeace?"

There’s no need to be so cutting. You’re engaging in an ad hominem attack rather than the substance of my argument, which is up for debate as is anything on these boards.

Is acknowledging pain, our own, wallowing?” Sadness is quite natural, as is mourning a loss. It passes but who is to say that it has to be ended swiftly to be correct? People have emotions!

If I note that my mother’s death upsets me is it necessary or correct for a close friend or partner to “solve my problem “ by saying “everybody dies, just turn that frown upside down?”

OP gets to judge how she wants her experience to be understood. Sometimes she might want a hug. Sometimes she might want a solution. Sometimes the hug is the solution ! The point is that If her bf can only ever offer one solution/response thats a limitation of his which may be more serious over time.

I agree. You have to be quite resilient and independent to be in a relationship with someone who is less able to understand the social norms of emotion or depth of emotion. My DH is on the spectrum and I love him totally. Part of that is understanding and accepting his differences from someone more NT.

OP may not be cut out for life with someone who doesn’t have the same emotional capacity as her or feel things in the same way as her.

But the OP hadn't lost a beloved pet or hurt herself. She "thought" an old friend had ghosted her.

I myself have little patience for people who jump to conclusions and believe other people's behaviour is always related to themselves. There are many many reasons why a person might not be in touch, only one of which is that they no longer wish to have any contact with you and do not wish to tell you so.

That isn't about "not understanding the social norms of emotion or depths of emotion". It's about at least checking you have an actual reason to be upset and not something you have just invented?