AIBU to want to sleep train my 14m son when DH doesn't want to discuss it?

[Greywarden]

DH and I have one DC together - DS, now 14 months.

There was a time when DS used to settle himself to sleep in his cot most nights and then stay asleep until morning. Obviously we were amazingly lucky and chuffed. However, things changed completely when DS was about 10 months old. This was very much my fault - we took him on holiday and I didn't do a good enough job of recreating his usual bedtime routines. Since then DS hasn't slept through the night at all. DS will now:

• only fall asleep if cuddled up to me or DH. He will typically wake up crying when we try to detach ourselves from him and leave the room. He will not settle if left alone to get to sleep.
• wake up several times in the night, each time again only settling if he can fall asleep cuddled up to me or DH. This process can be quick if we're lucky but can also take hours before he can be left alone again.

I am doing 95% of bedtimes and 95% of the night wakings. I will admit that I do often give up and just end up spending the night cosleeping with DS on a mattress on the floor of his room after the first or second waking because I'm too exhausted to keep sooting him back to sleep and getting him back into his cot bed each time. I also do DS's morning routine / breakfast / getting him ready for nursery most days, with DH typically joining me to help out when I've already been up with DS for an hour or two by myself.

We both work full time in fairly stressful jobs. I feel on my knees from tiredness, yet DH constantly says he is exhausted despite getting way, way more sleep than I do. We have little sex life at the moment. I don't feel connected to DH because we are spending so much of each night apart. I'm pretty down. I love my DS and love cuddling up to him; I also don't mind doing most of the night stuff as I'm a fair bit younger than DH and know I do have more energy than him. Nonetheless, I would strongly prefer the current situation not to continue.

To the crux of the matter: I have told DH that I want to sleep train DS. I realised this would be controversial and I do appreciate that there are a lot of passionate opponents of sleep training. I'd done a fair bit of reading on different methods and arguments for and against and asked DH to take a look for himself to see if he's on board (I came to him with existing reading suggestions but also proposed he research it himself so that he doesn't worry that I'm giving him biased material, which was his initial concern).

DH totally shut down. Refused to read anything. Said it was cruel to sleep-train and wasn't going to happen to his DS. Was genuinely really upset about it and explained that it hurts him too much to let DS cry. Insinuated I clearly don't love DS enough and proceeded to take himself off to DS's room that night and sleep there with him. Refused to talk or come out once DS was asleep. The vibe was 'well if you won't look after him in the night anymore, I will.'

In the morning DH was shattered. He hasn't offered to have DS at night since, although ended up responding to DS's wakings before I did on one occasion when I was too slow to get up. The status quo has just continued as it was.

AIBU to think that my DH has been unfair to me and that we should sleep train our DS, or at least be able to have a detailed discussion about it without DH shutting me down? I know this might sound awful but I feel that if I'm the one primarily facing the consequences of DS not being able to settle himself, the decision on whether to sleep train should ultimately fall to me. But of course DH is important as the dad and I appreciate he feels strongly about it. Maybe I am being the unreasonable one here - I worry that I can't see the wood from the trees anymore and am being unfair. I also appreciate that I might be unreasonable automatically for wanting to sleep train at all, in which case I'd be grateful for stories of how other people have co-slept with their kids / helped them to get more independent at night without ruining their sanity and marriages!

YABU - DH is right not to agree to discuss sleep training further (either because sleep training is wrong in itself or because it is his right as the father to refuse to discuss the issue if he is strongly against it).

YANBU - DH should agree to discuss sleep training further or should leave the decision to you.

Unless he’s going to do all nights and mornings, he has to accept your decision. I was in a similar situation. I asked my DH- so it’s ok for me to cry from exhaustion every day and not ok for a baby to cry for a few minutes a couple of nights? I think that’s when it finally clicked for him.

Why are you doing 95%? If he really cared then he would do his fair share. If he does 95% then maybe he can have a say, until then you do what works for you.

Simple answer, your dh does night times with ds.
Keep being slow getting up.

If your dh is not doing the nights he doesn’t get a say imo.

I think it's partly an hangover from the habits we formed early on - I combi-fed DS initially (didn't succeed at breastfeeding fully unfortunately) - it used to make sense for me to do nights as I wanted to offer breasts at feeds and needed to pump a few times a night too.
However, I stopped breastfeeding when DS was 4 months and I went back to work.
As I mentioned in my original post, DH is older than me and I do accept that he gets tired a lot more easily, so I don't mind doing more than him overall.

Honestly? Have him in your bed. I wouldn't be insisting on keeping him in his own room in this situation. But we did things differently from a lot of MNers, I suspect - ours weren't in their own rooms at night until a lot closer to 3. Sleep training wasn't for us.

He either does at least his share of the night wakings (50% is his share) or he leaves you to parent as you see fit at night.

I'm not a fan of sleep training but DH always did his share barring BFing. And he made up for that later.

I think he should be doing 50% anyway BTW.

Tbf, though, dh would have taken over at night whenever I asked. It helped knowing he was there as backup, although it was mostly me (I was bf them at night well into their second years, which I appreciate is not an option for yoy).

I won't lie - I think I'd probably have reached this conclusion by now if down to me. However Dh doesn't sleep well if DS is with us and is already exhausted so that idea is out at the moment.

We sleep trained our daughter at 7 months when she was waking several times a night, best thing we did.

Why do you blame yourself for ruining his routine on holiday? Was your husband not there?
Seems you have a very unequal dynamic where you do 95% of the work but have no say over how that work is carried out. A real relationship problem.

Tbh I'd be suggesting to dh that he sleep elsewhere (spare room, sofa) in that case. It does all smack a bit of him wanting (and currently having) it all his own way.

Why on earth do you care so much about your DH's sleep and comfort when he doesn't care about yours?

Child in with you both, or oh sleeps elsewhere. Start putting yourself and your child first. I don't care that your oh is tired. You are tired.

This👆His age is irrelevant.

Being older than you is noe excuse to be a rubbish father and husband. He chose to create a baby with you, he is equally responsible for his wellbeing. Furthermore, he should care that you are exhausted. Stop being so protective of dh's sleep, you've got one baby to look after, not two!

Well ye needs to get up and do half of the bedtimes doesn't he? Take the nights in turns.

He is mid-50s for context.
I think part of my issue is that I do feel somewhat guilty. DH loves DS and was very supportive throughout my pregnancy but this was an unplanned child - DH was not expecting to become a dad in his fifties and I was not expecting to become a mum at all. I worry about the strain of it on DH and how he has given up the chance of early retirement and a relaxed life in order to raise a kid with me. He also brings a lot more to the table financially than I do as owned his house outright when I moved in. So all of that is in the back of my mind and leads me to feel I have to do more, even though he doesn't ask me to. Not sure how to get past this aspect of our problem!

(also sorry for drip-feed - I realise now this might have been useful context from the start)

None of this makes a difference. He's very lucky to have a family and child, that was his choice. He hasnt given up anything, even if it was unplanned he obviously knew it culd be possible. That's life. He's only mid 50's, not exactly old! Also, why would earning more make him less able to be a good father? Come on op, you and the baby deserve better.

Exactly

Plus, my DH was 46 when our 2nd DD was born - that didnt stop him from doung his fair share of night wakings AND I was a SAHM. A true partner would support your need for sleep.

@Greywarden then he should have worn a condom or had a vasectomy!
Please address this dynamic now or you will have the next 18 years as the default caregiver with him making all the decisions 🙁

When people say CC is cruel they don't get that having exhausted parents is far more damaging. I was a shit mother when on your situation. We accidentally did cc through sheer exhaustion. Took 20 mins first night, 10 the next 5 the next. Far less crying than an average night!

I'd personally never sleep train, it just does not fit with who I am as a parent or what I want for my children. But if you are feeling very tired and he isn't helping, he needs to share the load especially if he says he doesn't want you to sleep train. I've heard that some people split the night in half and do shifts of who responds to the night wakes- so that you each get a decent stretch of uninterrupted sleep? For us we've found that our children sleep much better in our room until 3 or 4, we just all get more sleep that way.

Before I get flamed, sleep training isn’t for everyone. To each their own, but we did it. Both our kids had horrendous 10 month sleep regressions, truly torturous experiences. Lasted about a month for each. For our first we got a night nurse for 3 nights who sleep trained for us. Our DD cried for less than 5 mins 3 times over the 3 nights. She was going right through by night 2. It was a life changing experience to two full time exhausted working parents. We were just clueless and needed someone to do the training for us. Our son got there, largely with my husband doing it when I was away for work for a few nights. There’s gentle cry it out methods. I suggest you/your husband read bringing up Bebe. Good helpful book about how babies need to learn to connect sleep cycles. Talkingcarababies on Instagram is also helpful. If you’re not on the same page but can find a night nurse willing to gently sleep train, that might be a good moderate solution. Good luck!

For us, we sleep trained early on and kept at it during the sleep regression periods, and it was the best parenting move we made. It suited our parenting styles but maybe not for everyone (each to their own!).

With sleep training, the benefit is that DD falls asleep on her own with no fuss. Without intervention, she can put herself back to sleep within a minute if she wakes up at night (we look at the monitor only to see her falling back asleep). She sleeps the entire night. We all wake up rested and grateful for sleep. It takes a lot of patience and time and definitely needs all parties on board.

Oh we had this argument, I did it anyway. Dh was actually prepared to get up in the night but we were both half dead because she was a godawful sleeper. I did it for a nap, he was furious but got over it when it worked. It was quite hard though, she really cried, felt awful at the time.

We normally make all parenting decisions together after a discussion but I felt like I was dying. It’s the one and only time either of us has done something without agreement.