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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a case of ‘off rolling?’

73 replies

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:03

DD6 is in mainstream primary. She has an Ehcp and her primary needs are social and emotional. No cognitive dysfunction. The main reason she sometimes* *struggles to access work is emotional overwhelm. She can become very upset. I believe school are ignoring her triggers/allowing her to spiral at school to prove a point. I think she should be able stay where she is in mainstream school with her friends and sibling. She loves school and has made progress academically.

When she gets overwhelmed and upset staff fan around her with no real strategies to calm her so they call me. I’m called minimum of 3 times a week into school, they ultimately leave it up to me, something along the lines of ‘totally up to you mum but she was really distressed’ and I don’t doubt it but every time I arrive she is calm and she’s usually got her bag and coat on ready to go.

She feels punished when I’ve collected her and tells me that the teachers think she’s naughty. I’ve expressed my concerns and asked for a meeting, still awaiting one.

yesterday the same thing happens yet when I arrive headteacher asks me sheepishly if I think this is the right school for my daughter and if I’d considered moving her to a smaller school? I regrettably said I had been looking around at others and her eyes lit up. She seemed relieved at the thought I might move her. I’ve since sought advice from a Sen caseworker who said she didn’t like the sound of how it’s being dealt with and moving DD should be a last resort.

i feel as though the multiple phone calls to collect and the suggestion about moving schools is us being backed into a corner/forced out? Is this a case of attempting to off roll her?

OP posts:
PeachBalonz · 02/10/2024 22:42

Can I ask - when she’s deregulated what does she do - how does that manifest itself at school?

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:42

She screams cries and runs off out of the classroom.

OP posts:
Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:43

Every time I arrive though (within 10 mins usually as I am local) she is calm

OP posts:
Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:43

they said that there’s never enough funding for a one to one and I need to manage my expectations and basically if it’s a one to one she needs then this isn’t the place for her

OP posts:
PeachBalonz · 02/10/2024 22:44

So she’s not hurting herself, staff or other children?

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:45

I think the attitude of the headteacher is a one size fits all school and if she doesn’t fit then she has to go. It’s obvious she doesn’t see my DD as anything more than a nuisance and extra paperwork.

Senco is great on the other hand but it seems is squashed by the head

OP posts:
thebigchance · 02/10/2024 22:47

Sounds like the school are not handling this well or meeting her needs.

Maybe you should look into moving her if you could find a school that would support dd better.

If school have 'written her off' and keep calling you it might be such a battle to get the to support her properly. It shouldn't be, but it might sorry op

RandomMess · 02/10/2024 22:48

If your child is calm when you arrive to collect I would be asking if she feels able to stay now she has calmed down and would she be able to walk back to the classroom without you.

It will be interesting to see what your DD says. It seems clear that 5/10 minutes out the classroom is what she needs when feeling overwhelmed.

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:48

Sweetaschocolate · 02/10/2024 22:41

I know it's hard but you really need to let them either keep her in school and give her support or suspend her properly with all the paper work.
They can not keep expecting you to keep getting her as it's not helping your daughter and letting the school get away with it.
My son ended up very part time last year (after being suspended) but that was the last resort and the school did things by the book with our blessing but we were waiting for the extra funding for a 1 to 1.
It has really turned things around, not perfect but much better then last year.

My DD has been on part time timetable too before the end of last school year.

nothing came of it though. We weren’t given any work to do at home and the ehcp review didn’t happen. It felt like a way to get rid of her

I’m happy to do part time if it’s in her best interests but it feels like it’s what suits the school

on one occasion they asked me to collect her early because a TA was off school x

OP posts:
PeachBalonz · 02/10/2024 22:50

Why don’t you go to chair of Govs and request a meeting.

wwjalme · 02/10/2024 22:50

What happens if you don't go and pick her up?

They sound a bit incompetent though. They could surely come up with some strategies to deal with this. Phoning you and getting you to collect her is not an appropriate strategy. She's become distressed, she hasn't been violent I presume.

I know you don't want to move school but it might be something to consider if this is the way this school is going to behave towards her all the way through. I understand you say she will feel she is being punished but if she does move to a more positive environment where they can support her she will soon forget that she was "punished" by being moved to another school.

Have you seen other schools which might be better?

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:50

I’d move her if I could be sure that we would be getting a better deal elsewhere

I feel like I’m being pushed to do this though which makes me sad for my DD

i don’t think she will want to move and it’s going to affect her self esteem

They seem to give up so easily. She only has to run out the classroom and they call me.

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cansu · 02/10/2024 22:52

They should not be asking you to come in and collect. I would meet the head and discuss this. You could say that you won't collect her unless she has been suspended.
But

  1. What is she actually doing when overwhelmed? You do not really say beyond her being upset. If she is being violent or putting self and others at risk they may begin excluding her formally.
  2. What does she need to prevent the behaviour or make it manageable?
  3. Would a different school suit her needs better? Have you actually considered this?
wwjalme · 02/10/2024 22:53

Have you tried refusing to collect her?

Or as someone else suggested, going to school, finding that she's calm and then asking her if she is calm enough to return to class now?

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:54

She has pinched herself in the past when upset but recently it’s just the running off, outside of the classroom

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wwjalme · 02/10/2024 22:55

i don’t think she will want to move and it’s going to affect her self esteem

Her self esteem will be far worse if she has to stay where she is being treated the way she is.
Have you looked at other schools and talked to heads and sencos?
Maybe that could be a start. It doesn't mean you have to move her but if you are informed about what options might be possible you can make a decision based on that.

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:56

Yes I think I need to try and calm her and leave her

even if we do choose to move her (if another school seems a better fit) surely in the meantime they need to figure out how to include her and help her cope?

ive spoken to this with a friend who’s a headteacher, a Sen caseworker, the local authority (when considering moving schools) and friend who is Sen ta. Everyone tells me that the school is being unreasonable and are trying to push her out,

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Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:57

We have booked to visit another local school yes to give us an idea of what else is out there

OP posts:
wwjalme · 02/10/2024 22:57

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:56

Yes I think I need to try and calm her and leave her

even if we do choose to move her (if another school seems a better fit) surely in the meantime they need to figure out how to include her and help her cope?

ive spoken to this with a friend who’s a headteacher, a Sen caseworker, the local authority (when considering moving schools) and friend who is Sen ta. Everyone tells me that the school is being unreasonable and are trying to push her out,

Yes, it's crap. Not to put too fine a point on it.

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:58

It also means separating my DD and her sibling

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 02/10/2024 22:58

Are the school following what is quantified in F?
An annual review could increase the funding that could be used for additional 1-1 support. That would be in the school’s best interests too. It’s not enough to say that it’s not the school for her. With enough support and funding, it sounds as though you believe she could manage in the school.

Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:58

They have a great bond and are only one year apart in age

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Tiredsenparent · 02/10/2024 22:59

Bluevelvetsofa · 02/10/2024 22:58

Are the school following what is quantified in F?
An annual review could increase the funding that could be used for additional 1-1 support. That would be in the school’s best interests too. It’s not enough to say that it’s not the school for her. With enough support and funding, it sounds as though you believe she could manage in the school.

They tell me they are. They say they are providing a one to one for transitions (so moving from classroom to break etc) but the wording in section F is vague

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wwjalme · 02/10/2024 22:59

Ok, then start by either not going to collect her every single time they call or calming her and leaving her there AND visiting other schools.

And then take it from there.

Stompythedinosaur · 02/10/2024 23:00

Can you go to school to help calm her, but not take her home?

I think you are right that the school don't want to have her, and it makes me furious!