Watching OH and DSS Relationship Go Downhill

[Bookworm1980]

DSS is 12 nearly 13 and has been part of my household with his dad (my OH), his other siblings and my kids for around 4 years now. DSS stays with us 3 nights per week. Up until recently there have been no major issues at all. OH has a great relationship with his 3 sons, and I think I've done a good job of being involved but not overstepping the mark - letting OH parent his kids etc. The DSS at the centre of this issue is obviously at that transitional age and of course moods/hormones etc play a massive part in everything.

DSS started Year 8 last month. No concerns. He does have mild (undiagnosed!) SN but school recognises this and accomodates his needs. He has specific sensitivities to the school bell for example, so is allowed to leave the classroom prior to the bell going off. He also doesn't react well to changes of routine or when plans suddenly change.

Since starting Year 8, DSS has been choosing not to come to our house. His 'main home' with his mum is literally round the corner, and we allow DSSs to come to ours whenever they want regardless of whether it's officially 'our day' or not - the door is always open we say to them and they know they are welcome.
But now DSS is choosing to stay at his mum's house pretty much all the time. We are seeing less and less of him. OH FaceTimes him regularly and they have a couple of minutes chat. OH says 'he's fine' but I can see that it is hurting him that his son doesn't seem to want to come to our house on any of the 3 days we're scheduled to have them.

Of course I have explained to OH that he needs to speak to his ex and make sure there's nothing causing this, but he said he doesn't want to make it a big issue or upset his son by making him feel guilty for staying at his mum's house. I respect that point of view. But I see and feel the sadness this is causing my OH, even though he says he's fine. On a day to day basis it might not seem a big problem but I'm thinking of the 'bigger picture' (which OH struggles to see) and I worry about their previously strong bond being eroded.

Any advice? Do I leave them to figure this out or push OH to encourage his son to come to ours even though he appears happier at his mum's?

IAMU: It's not really a problem and I need to let them figure this out.
IANBU: This is a problem and I need to encourage some sort of resolution.

Unless your OH has a particularly contentious relationship with his ex, I don’t see how having a quick chat to see if she knows whether there’s anything bothering DSS that’s causing him not to want to come to your house as much would be making it a big deal or making DSS feel guilty.

I’d be worried that if your OH says nothing about it to DSS or to his ex, because he’s going out of his way to make it “not a big deal”, that could be perceived by DSS as your OH not caring that he has stopped coming round.

I agree that he shouldn’t make it into a big deal or put pressure on DSS, but I definitely think he should say something, so that it’s clear to DSS that his dad cares about whether he sees him or not.

If I haven't seen my son for a few days I just pop round to the ex's place. Can't he do this? Facetiming if he's round the corner seems a bit strange

Yes there is also popping round involved - quick chat on the doorstep etc. OH does not go inside his ex's house, never has. This is very minimal contact though compared to 3 days and nights together.

There is an element of contentiousness involved between OH and his ex. She is still very angry they split and is likely to proportion 'blame' onto my OH. This typically makes him reluctant to open up any conversation with her as she has this habit of just throwing things in his face. Her typical response to this would be, I imagine: "Well you left so it's your problem, what do you expect?..." or something to that effect. OH hates conflict and therefore avoids instigating such conversations.

But I agree that he should try to talk to her about it, even if she doesn't engage in a mature way.

Is your OH trying to engage his son in other ways?

For a while BIL took DN bowling or for food once a week until DN felt comfortable opening up why he didn't want to go to BIL's home.

Even on the weeks DN didn't go the offer showed BIL wanted to spend time with him.

Why has his father or mother not sought an official diagnosis for him?
That really needs to be done ASAP imo and can you not see that if he is ASD or similar then constantly switching places is likely to cause significant disregulation.
You need to be thinking about your DSS and the reasons why he may be too overwhelmed to visit over your OH being down about it.

Wrong priority here, sorry.

Has he spoken to school? Make sure nothing is going on there..

if nothing obvious has happened or changed to cause this then I think his SEN needs to be assessed. What you've said points to possible autism. Its not unusual for autistic kids who mask well and seem to have mild SN to hit a point where they can no longer cope. Its also not unusual for the start of highschool to be the point at which things get too much. Transitions can be hard for a lot of autistic kids, if he is autistic he could be overwhelmed and this could make moving between houses too much.

I wouldn't be making a big deal of this, but his son does need to know his dad loves and misses him and is happy to do whatever to spend some time together when DSS is feeling up to it. i wouldn't suggest an outing to anywhere busy like a cafe, but if theirs something quiet and low key that DSS loves to do or a quiet place he loves to go that might be worth suggesting. Does DSS and DH game? That's one way my autistic DS connects with his dad. Can chat while gaming. They could watch the same movie/show in different houses and chat on something like messenger. He might find text based communication easier. He could set up something like messenger kids and chat through text. Not lots of suggestions all at once obviously, but if this goes on for a while the occasional low key invite might be a good idea.

Might it be the case that the ex is so hostile about OH that DSS feels guilty about coming to yours thinking it could be ‘disloyal’ to his DM?

If so, he isn’t likely to change any time soon. Suggestions above re shared online gaming etc could be very helpful.

year 8 puts him at about 13 ish?? your house hold sounds very busy and maybe DSS is just making new friends, spending time online and girls. there does come a point where they stop going to see the other parent because life, school, hobbies and what not get in the way

Is it the same set up for him at each house, eg does he have his own room at each house or share at each.

Are there the same internet usage rules at both?

I have a Year 8 DS who sounds a but like you DSS. Puberty has hit in a big way and he definitely wants his space and privacy a lot more - prefers his bedroom door closed even if all he's doing is laying on his bed reading or listening to music.

Does he come to yours at the same time as his brothers? He may prefer the peace and quiet at his Mums when they are not there which is why he chooses to stay.

As others have said OH probably needs to find new ways to connect. Just of the two of them going out to do something, watch football, bowling, going fishing, play a racket sport.

Teenagers are weird, or adolescents anyway even if not teens yet. Sometimes they withdraw because they want you to do more. Sometimes they withdraw as they think they need you less but then get P’d off when you honour their wishes as they actually do need you.
its a minefield, and possibly he will snap out of it. But maybe needs help too.
maybe your OH can ask DSS to come for a movie night where he gets to pick, or go bowling or something they both like. He probably wants his dad to himself. 12-13 is a huge transition.

Yes - there's a project the two of them were working on together, but DSS has completely withdrawn from it and it remains incomplete. OH has suggested they continue and the response from DSS is usually positive, but then it comes to the day when he's meant to come and he chooses not to... It really does make me sad!

Oh yes I agree!! My own children are 15 & 16, and my eldest in his 20s - teenagers are definitely a minefield!!

They both enjoy football and DSS plays locally, so this is something to bond over. We have the luxury of Sky Sports and OH is constantly inviting him round to watch their team play together. He has once or twice, but more often he declines.

OH always watches him play whether it's 'his day' or not. Last time it WAS his day, but DSS asked to go straight back to his mum after footie.

Yes he does have to share space with his siblings at our house - I think this plays a big part. When he chooses to stay at his mum's house, he gets the room to himself while his younger brother is at ours. He's the middle child - the oldest sometimes sleeps at ours and sometimes doesn't but he will spend more time with us during the day and be more involved still.

Yes I think there's an element of that, and DSS and his mum are like 'best friends' (personally I think it's unhealthy...) so there's definitely a risk that her negativity towards OH is felt strongly by him.

Just a shame as DSS and OH have previously been so close and had such a great bond - it's sad to see it withering away.

I agree with you. I'm no expert but to me he quite obviously ASD. OH has spoken to his ex about seeking a diagnosis but she is emphatic that he's coping fine at school with the basic measures put in place re the bell ringing. School do seem very good about acknowledging his additional needs despite no diagnosis and I think this is providing DSS's mum with a false sense of security, which she is then passing on to OH. Frustrating for me as I have no say!

Given you are implying your DSS is autistic and autism tends to be genetic with one sign being an inability to see a bigger picture, perhaps you need to view the situation again but from a neurodivergent viewpoint.

Interesting! I did not know that! I'm forever having to explain my point of view to OH in terms of the 'bigger picture' as he literally lives in the moment... drives me mad sometimes - thought it was just because he's male 😅

I think there are many adults who have no idea they are autistic, often until they have neurodivergent children and then when reading through signs/symptoms for them have a bit of a light bulb moment.

Changing how you navigate situations might make things less frustrating (or it might not!) but is certainly worth trying.

It’s possible your OH is worried about being out rightly rejected by his son (RSD is very common with ASD) so doesn’t want to broach it or perhaps it’s an emotion he just can’t get his head around. See what the immediate small picture issues are with getting to the big picture and take it from there.

Also, see if you can suggest to your DSS’s parents that they look at a RTC assessment. Short waiting times and a diagnosis might help your DSS have a sense of identity and understanding.

I think this is quite likely to be a big factor - I have a teen with autism (not diagnosed until after things fell apart badly after starting secondary school, it is a very common time for them to reach the end of their masking limits) and having her own space is a massive thing for her, she can't bear having someone else in the room when she's tired or stressed, particularly if they pop in and out at random.

I imagine it would be tricky with that number of children but if there was any way you could carve him out a space of his own it might help?

Yes, very genetic.

Remember being ND is normal for the person who is ND...

Oh its really difficult and I cant blame your OH for being sad. All he can do is keep plugging on I suppose.

My son started to withdraw he stopped saying love you and didnt want to spend any time with us, argued all the time. In the end for him it was spiraling into an ED, not easy to sort, but we are a bit more even and watching for more food issues. That all stemmed, we think from issues with is "friends" but we dont know. Teens put the D in Deep seriously. What I mean by that waffle is, sometimes its more serious than normal teen worries and definitely worth pushing where possible.

My Cousins youngest son just doesn't want to leave his mum, hes worried she will be all alone when he visits his dad so he told him that and has stopped going.

Hope it all gets better and its just a phase.

How does he respond if your OH invites him out just the two of them? I think to a certain extent the priority right now needs to be keeping a relationship between them, not whether he's coming to your house. My son has ASD & has stopped seeing his dad this year. Imo because his dad tried to integrate him into his new relationship too quickly and devalued their relationship in the process. Not deliberately, but by never spending any one on one time with him. His ASD means that if he doesn't see someone regularly he struggle to maintain any relationship with them, as he very much lives in the moment and is 'out of sight out of mind'. If your SS is similar then building the 1-1 relationship first would be a good place to start. (I'm not suggesting that your DH made the same mistakes my ex did BTW!)

Even the things that are just the two of them - (which I support wholeheartedly, I don't feel the need to be this enormous blended family going around together all the time, it's bloody expensive for one thing!!) he's has been withdrawing from lately. OH has been working on a project with him which is very much just the 2 of them and all about DSS and his hobby, but he's not even bothered about that any more.