Watching OH and DSS Relationship Go Downhill

[Bookworm1980]

DSS is 12 nearly 13 and has been part of my household with his dad (my OH), his other siblings and my kids for around 4 years now. DSS stays with us 3 nights per week. Up until recently there have been no major issues at all. OH has a great relationship with his 3 sons, and I think I've done a good job of being involved but not overstepping the mark - letting OH parent his kids etc. The DSS at the centre of this issue is obviously at that transitional age and of course moods/hormones etc play a massive part in everything.

DSS started Year 8 last month. No concerns. He does have mild (undiagnosed!) SN but school recognises this and accomodates his needs. He has specific sensitivities to the school bell for example, so is allowed to leave the classroom prior to the bell going off. He also doesn't react well to changes of routine or when plans suddenly change.

Since starting Year 8, DSS has been choosing not to come to our house. His 'main home' with his mum is literally round the corner, and we allow DSSs to come to ours whenever they want regardless of whether it's officially 'our day' or not - the door is always open we say to them and they know they are welcome.
But now DSS is choosing to stay at his mum's house pretty much all the time. We are seeing less and less of him. OH FaceTimes him regularly and they have a couple of minutes chat. OH says 'he's fine' but I can see that it is hurting him that his son doesn't seem to want to come to our house on any of the 3 days we're scheduled to have them.

Of course I have explained to OH that he needs to speak to his ex and make sure there's nothing causing this, but he said he doesn't want to make it a big issue or upset his son by making him feel guilty for staying at his mum's house. I respect that point of view. But I see and feel the sadness this is causing my OH, even though he says he's fine. On a day to day basis it might not seem a big problem but I'm thinking of the 'bigger picture' (which OH struggles to see) and I worry about their previously strong bond being eroded.

Any advice? Do I leave them to figure this out or push OH to encourage his son to come to ours even though he appears happier at his mum's?

IAMU: It's not really a problem and I need to let them figure this out.
IANBU: This is a problem and I need to encourage some sort of resolution.

Are these things all at your house though? It's not a criticism if they are, but your dh may find a day out just the 2 of them is more appealing to your dss. He might feel that his dad is easily distracted at yours or that the time isn't solely his, and therefore not worth doing.

Yeah I agree - we're both all for carving out time for the 2 of them to reconnect. Difficult with all the other kids to consider too - 1-on-1 time with any of our children is hard (not impossible) to achieve.

Might just be that school has restarted and it's a new timetable and as your DSS has SN, it could be a little overwhelming for him. Maybe try and see his son at the weekends when it's less tiring and he's had time to rest.

The problem with this approach is they're fine until they're suddenly not and it can 2 years to get a diagnosis let alone needed supports in place. He's coming up to some very crucial schooling years soon and while the school can manage some adjustments on their own if he needs them for exams their probably needs to be an EHCP in place and they can take a long time to sort too. Far better to be ready if he ends up needing more support. At this age you'd need him to want to engage with the process and if mum's saying he doesn't need it it sounds likely he wouldn't want to do so, but you never know he might have his own questions and concerns and want to know. This would all have to wait until DH gets their relationship back on a better footing. That's the priority right now.

They do get a bit weird around this age in my experience. Can DH invite him over for something in particular? Need his help with something or plan a boys’ takeaway or even invite him out if that would work?