To want to know what the plans are

[Bluestarsky242]

This is probably going to be one of those that sound really pathetic when I type it out but here goes.....

At the end of a busy day at work, I like to know what the plan is for the evening, for example, what time OH will get home from work, whether he wants to take the dog for a walk before having tea (or dinner for some of you) that sort of thing, just so that I can mentally organise what time I need to start preparing food and how long I have to potter about until then.

Some context - I suffer from anxiety and planning is one of my coping mechanisms and keeps me in control and calm.

Last night OH got home later than usual, so I asked him if he was planning on taking the dog out before tea, he didn't really give me a straight answer and went upstairs, now OH works in a very "peoply" job, and he's not a people person, so he needs some space after work to decompress, absolutely fine with me, but I would like to know what his plan is so that I can continue on with my own evening.

I went upstairs to him to find out what he was planning to do and whether I should put food on now and he got huffy with me. Said he'd be down in 5 minutes and take the dog out before tea.

When he came down, I went for a walk with him and tried to explain how I just need to know what the plan is and he said why do I need to plan everything?! OH does knows about my anxiety but isn't the most sympathetic.
I said it just helps me plan the evening, keeps me calm and so I know what we are doing and I can make sure we aren't eating late etc.. and he his reply was "so that all about me then."
I went quiet after that because now I feel guilty because all he wants is a bit of decompression time but my anxiety needs to know what we are doing so I asked him a bit later how we can compromise with it and he just brushed it off and said we can't....now I'm just feeling very unsure of whether I'm being unreasonable in wanting to know what's going on and need to just chill, or whether he could be a little more understanding and tell me what he's planning to do and then go and have his time alone?

(I know I'll probably get some replies around the making of his tea and why can't he do his own etc, but we have our jobs in the house and that works for us, (I do the meal planning and cooking, he does the washing and ironing) eating seperate meals would end up costing us more so just wouldn't work.)

If you're cooking, I think it's only polite for him to answer you if you're asking what time you should have dinner ready for.

From your DP’s point of view, I would find this absolutely suffocating. I don’t like to plan and like freedom and flexibility. Walking the dog - depends what mood I’m in etc. and dinner I also eat at different times because we are not all robots. Maybe you need to manage your anxiety in another way. What is it about not knowing that makes your anxiety spiral? Why can’t you make dinner and he can heat it up in the microwave? Does this anxiety present in other area of your life or just after work?

That would drive me bonkers if I was your OH!

I'm AuDHD and I need to know what's going on otherwise I can't make any plans.

For me it's just the communication, I don't need to control what people do, I just need them to let me know about things that have an impact on me. For example I don't need to control when OH takes the dog out and it's okay if they reply with "I don't know what time I'm taking him." Just as long as I know and can plan around it.

Otherwise I will just sit in paralysis waiting.

I would get very annoyed if my DH wanted a plan for everything and couldn’t live like that. If that’s what you need it sounds like you are incompatible. You need to find a different way to manage your anxiety.

On evenings where he doesn't care what order dinner and dog walk happens, you decide. That way you get your plan and he gets a rest from planning.

I’m sure this won’t be the only thing that you have anxiety about OP, I’m wondering if your DH is feeling fed up generally with your need to plan everything? It must be quite stifling for him at times, I know I’d find it difficult. Do you have therapy for your anxiety? I think it would help looking at the bigger picture to think what makes you need to plan everything, you said you’re anxious, but why? It’s unusual for anxiety to interfere so much with your every day life. It must be super hard for you to live with it too.
Could you not do a weekly planner in the kitchen with what you’re eating and the time you’ll have it? If DH will be later he could message you perhaps.

This is a very hard one. On the one hand, I do sympathise with your anxiety issues and the fact that you feel unsettled if you don’t have a set plan but my god, it sounds utterly suffocating to be followed around and asked over and over again what the plan is for such a mundane evening. He has needs and feelings too and I think it would be wrong to disregard that.
I suspect pp might be right in suggesting that you need to just make the decision yourself sometimes.

If you need to plan for your own sanity, then plan but don't expect these plans to involve other people. Cook when it makes sense for you to cook. He will either have to wait or reheat his own portion. Take the dog out yourself or, again, let him get on with it and he will have to either take the dog after dinner or reheat his own food.
I am a planner, my partner's job is all over the shop and most the time he doesn't let me know what time he is likely to be home because he doesn't know himself. He likes to eat before he goes to the gym but that's just tough luck as dinner is ready on my schedule and sometimes he has to go to the gym hungry and reheat his dinner later.
Control your controllables and let him get on with your plan.

I don’t have anxiety but still like to broadly know what will be happening that evening or day eg which of us will be taking DC to their swimming lesson later on.

I think as long as it’s a rough plan rather than an onerous itinerary (what time dinner will be etc) it’s fine to want to know.

The way I would handle this is to make dinner when you're hungry every night. If he wants to join you, great. If not, he can heat it up when he's ready.

You know what time he comes home (with perhaps the odd late finish thrown in - he can reheat or you can take this into account when picking a time) so could you not just set a specific time for dinner every evening then just leave it up to him as to whether the dog gets walked beforehand or after?

Stops you having to worry about it and takes away the need to keep badgering him about it all.

Get one of those menu planner/schedule things for your kitchen or fridge and plan out your meals and what times they will be ready for. He can get in from work and have some time to himself and your anxiety will hopefully be controlled because you know the plan already.

I get where your coming from but personally I would find it very hard to live with and tbh I don’t think I could

I would find it very stressful having to plan and to commit it sucks the joy out of everything and make it impossible to relax

I think you need to try to change it so the pressure isn’t on him to say what he’s doing. Can you just cook tea for whatever time works for you and then tell him what that is? Then he can decide when to fit the dog walk in, what time to get home from work etc.

Just prepare dinner for the same time every night if you need to plan. You have dinner ready for 7pm (or whatever time you decide) and then 7 days every week that's when dinner is.

Presumably, you live together? So my question is how have you (collectively, not just you) not overcome this by now?

It sounds like you both have very different ideas about time management. Personally, I am more a go with the flow as your OH appears to be, however the key is communication.

You both need to be able to work out a compromise in a non confrontational manner. Without sounding harsh, you probably shouldn't be living together if you can't discuss something as minor as this.

Would it be better if DH walked the dog alone (to decompress) while you cook dinner?

Aside from that, just do what suits you unless he expresses a preference.

In your situation, I would plan food to my timetable, and usually do.
If I know DH is home for dinner, I will advise him when it is, 'DH, I will be serving up around 8'

I would work to your own plan, and let him fit in around it instead of asking him what his plan is. I get his irritation with this, he doesn't want to be making decisions so you just do you.

This is super relatable, it's not about the control at all, it's just knowing so I can plan.
Funnily enough I'm in the middle of getting diagnosed for ADHD aswell.

With kindness, I would suggest that you confirm your plans and then your OH can decide to opt in or not as he sees fit. Currently, you are transferring the responsibility for soothing your anxiety onto him. This would make me feel suffocated.

So for example, I would have cracked on making dinner, confirmed what time it would be ready and then OH could make his plans accordingly.

You are both different. And you can’t just have it all your own way. I would get stressed out having to have a plan for every evening in advance.

If he says on a morning ‘I will be gone at 5, walk the dog then we will have dinner at 6.30pm’ and then that doesn’t happen how would you feel? Could get stuck at work, traffic, not feel like walk the dog right then, gets a phone call so he is delayed sitting down at 6.30 for dinner. Lots could happen.

The suggestions of you setting the meal time (as you are cooking) is good. Then other things work round the meal time.

If he's home at a similar time every night, could he not come in, get changed and then decompress on the dog walk while you get tea sorted? Would that work?
I'm like you though. I don't mind what people are doing, just as long as I'm aware and can adjust myself accordingly.

Why does dinner happening depend on his decision? Make dinner.. If he prefers to walk the ddog first he can heat his up... He sounds a bit of a dick... Decompressing I get if was coming home to a load of dc.. Not 1 dw and a ddog...

I went upstairs to him to find out what he was planning to do and whether I should put food on now

I think you need to flip this on its head and instead when he comes in, you don't wait for him to tell you, you tell him "hello DH, long day? dinner will be on the table at 7pm!" (or whatever time suits you to eat) and then let him go off and decompress and walk the dog when it suits him. If he isn't there at 7pm, then you just eat when you like, and he can reheat his portion if he wants to eat later.