To want to know what the plans are

[Bluestarsky242]

This is probably going to be one of those that sound really pathetic when I type it out but here goes.....

At the end of a busy day at work, I like to know what the plan is for the evening, for example, what time OH will get home from work, whether he wants to take the dog for a walk before having tea (or dinner for some of you) that sort of thing, just so that I can mentally organise what time I need to start preparing food and how long I have to potter about until then.

Some context - I suffer from anxiety and planning is one of my coping mechanisms and keeps me in control and calm.

Last night OH got home later than usual, so I asked him if he was planning on taking the dog out before tea, he didn't really give me a straight answer and went upstairs, now OH works in a very "peoply" job, and he's not a people person, so he needs some space after work to decompress, absolutely fine with me, but I would like to know what his plan is so that I can continue on with my own evening.

I went upstairs to him to find out what he was planning to do and whether I should put food on now and he got huffy with me. Said he'd be down in 5 minutes and take the dog out before tea.

When he came down, I went for a walk with him and tried to explain how I just need to know what the plan is and he said why do I need to plan everything?! OH does knows about my anxiety but isn't the most sympathetic.
I said it just helps me plan the evening, keeps me calm and so I know what we are doing and I can make sure we aren't eating late etc.. and he his reply was "so that all about me then."
I went quiet after that because now I feel guilty because all he wants is a bit of decompression time but my anxiety needs to know what we are doing so I asked him a bit later how we can compromise with it and he just brushed it off and said we can't....now I'm just feeling very unsure of whether I'm being unreasonable in wanting to know what's going on and need to just chill, or whether he could be a little more understanding and tell me what he's planning to do and then go and have his time alone?

(I know I'll probably get some replies around the making of his tea and why can't he do his own etc, but we have our jobs in the house and that works for us, (I do the meal planning and cooking, he does the washing and ironing) eating seperate meals would end up costing us more so just wouldn't work.)

I would stick to a timetable that suits you. So if you are the one who cooks, make it for 7.30ish each night if that suits you and your dh can either eat with you or reheat.

You just have different ways of organising your time (or not organising it 🤣), I don't think either of you is wrong, you're just different. The thing I wouldn't be impressed with though is you asking him later how you can compromise and him just saying you can't. He's not trying to meet you in the middle, which seems unfair to not even attempt.

I agree with PPs - can you just say dinner will be on the table at 7pm every night. If he's not back from work/walking the dog/fallen down a well or whatever he can heat it up later. (Assuming he climbs out of the well and he's fine.) 😆

You could still offer some flexibility in that if you want to - e.g. "dinner will be ready at 7pm, if that doesn't work for you on a particular day you need to tell me by 5pm" etc. But it puts the onus on him to tell you, not you to ask him.

I've got anxiety too so I get you 100%. People who are lucky enough not to have anxiety will never understand. I always need to know plans and what's going to happen etc. As others have suggested though sometimes I decide the plans and whoever has to slot in with them.

Thank you, I know a few others have suggested this and this seems like a sensible approach.

I'm a huge people pleaser so always try to cater for everyone else.
We also have a DS13 (didnt actually mention that ) so I like to try and ensure we have at least 1 meal a day together.

Maybe a structure like that would definitely help though.

if it icsudes him such stress to ‘plan’ something as simple as dinner / dog walk time to enable you to cook it - I would make my plans without him.

I’d text him (if at work still) or tell him (if home) I’m putting dinner in the oven now. It will be ready at 6:30pm.

i think most families aim to eat together if all home at the same time - not sure why he finds this so hard to understand. His need to decompress shouldn’t overrule your need to eat and your wanting to eat together.

i couldn’t live with this level of uncertainty.

You’re not trying to micromanage his evening - just coordinate dinner which isn’t unreasonable.

you are cooking. You set the time and inform him. He choses whether to join you or eat afterwards or sort himself out.

I think you should turn it around and make the food for a specific time and thats when tea is and he can either take the dog out before or after.

Get a meal planner on the fridge and meal plan and put the time and then he know what time you are expecting to eat and he can decompress and walk the dog around that

Seriously, cook whenever you want to and serve your food to yourself when you want to eat it. He has the option to join you at that time, or his portion gets put in the fridge for him to eat later whenever he wants to eat it.

Or, stop cooking for him. He can cook for himself, he won't starve.

This is not the hill to die on.

That’s exactly like me. I don’t mind what the plan is most of the time, I just like to know what it is, so I know what I’m working with/ around.

My exh is a terrible “let’s see how we feel” person (in other words, everyone has to wait to see how HE feels) and I couldn’t cope with that - I can’t cope with it even as a co parent and my children really struggle with it too. One of the DC is diagnosed with ADHD and the ADHD coach I speak to always talks about the need for those with ADHD to know the plan.

PS im aware that this is the answer to many of my problems too - just do what you were going to do/ decide to do without reference to flaky people, but it’s just so hard to do in real life!

If it annoys you just cook and tell him what time it will be ready. If he's not happy with that you can eat yours and he can heat his up and have it when he wants. If you want to take the dog out, take it out. If he wants to, the dog could have another walk. Easy.

That’s not true.

I have anxiety and I also have adhd. Having to have every evening planned would stress me out.

But the times I do need a plan I can make the plan myself.

Saying you need a plan but expecting other people to decide the plan every day is unfair as well, especially, if they are the sort of person that doesn’t like an exact plan everyday.

You, also, also have to be part of managing your own anxiety. If op needs a plan so she knows what to do with dinner, she can decide the plan for dinner.

I would find this exhausting.

For the sake of your 13 year old, don’t you have a roughly regular dinner time?

Even without the child, I like to know roughly when I’m going to be eating, so it seems very normal to me to agree when you’re eating.

I'm NT and I would find your DHs attitude really annoying. If he has the luxury of someone preparing his dinner, the least he can do is give you an idea of timings.
Alternatively you plan dinner, tell him what time it will be and he can heat it up if he's not ready.

I am also a huge planner and have anxiety but I get his point. It isn't all about you. I think sometimes you need to just allow him to be. Why not add 10 minutes decompression time to your plan so he can chill when he gets home and it's in your plan so your anxiety is managed? Dinner can be a little later in the plan. My solution would be to plan in some flexibility so both of your needs are met.

Oh really? Are you able to go with the flow and have things be uncertain and unplanned? Wish I could. Yes that's what I do a lot of the time now.. make the plans myself. It stresses me and causes anxiety when others want to change them though. But if others agree it's a lot easier than trying to badger others to make the plan.

I think its rude, if someone is cooking for you, to not tell them when you will be available to eat! It can take quite a bit of effort to co ordinate food so that each component of a meal is ready at the same time and its then annoying if you've gone to all that effort and then someone is late to donner because they're in the middle of something. I find that people who don't cook (or just have something simple they can bung in the microwave) don't really 'get' this

But I'd just carry on with what you want to do, and if it inconveniences him he will soon learn.

And also I think he could communicate better, yes it is annoying if someone asks what your plans are in minute detail, but responding to a question about when he wants dinner by going in a huff is a bit pathetic, my response would have been to make my own, or his and let it go cold, if he can't even muster up the effort to be civil. Although I guess if you are like this about things that don't impact you directly then maybe he is just a bit fed up of it

Rather than quizzing him on his plans, maybe just ask what time he would like dinner. That provides you with the information you need without him needing to feel overwhelmed.

You claimed people who couldn’t understand can’t possibly have anxiety. And that’s not true. It’s factually not true.

anxiety impacts people in different ways.

The fact that plans can change is exactly why I feel more anxious when everything is planned all the time.

Your anxiety impacts you in a particular way. That’s still not reason to assume anyone who isn’t the same couldn’t possibly have anxiety. And that anyone who disagrees with the Op couldn’t possible have anxiety.

Oh I said people who don't have anxiety won't understand that behaviour, not that people who don't understand it don't have anxiety.

So I have anxiety and like a plan, but I actually don't see what this has to do with anxiety, surely it's just common courtesy if someone is making a meal for you to either have a vaguely set time in place, and communicate in advance if you want that time to change, or want someone to just plate up for you and you'll reheat later? When it comes to other things, it's kind of fair enough, but food is a time-sensitive issue surely - if I know im going to have to eat lunch a couple of hours earlier at work, I know im going to be hungry earlier in the evening, and I dont want to have a snack to keep me going because I'm trying to lose weight and would rather avoid the extra snack. If that makes sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is a general 'baseline' time might help here, so you aren't making a fresh plan every day.

Would it help to always have your meal at a later set time so you can plan for that and he can decompress and walk the dog if he wants to? If he doesn’t walk the dog he can do whatever else he pleases while you’re cooking.

I agree with the (few) PP who say that if he expects you to cook, he should be willing to give some idea of when works for dinner. I don’t think you’re being difficult at all tbh.

It’s all very well saying he can just reheat his portion but it’s pretty selfish and unsociable not sharing mealtimes with your partner and child just because you couldn’t take 2 minutes to think about when might work for dinner. And not all meals reheat well.

I think the key thing is how you phrase it to him. Instead of asking him to set out his whole evening plans, just ask about the one thing that affects you: what time is he available for dinner? Does 7.30 work?