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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go with partner to wedding?

29 replies

Waffle19 · 01/10/2024 20:58

Inspired by the post on MN currently around a person being invited to their wedding without a partner, I thought I’d get Mumsnetters views on going to a wedding by choice without a partner even though they’re invited!

Next July my partner’s cousin is getting married in Spain. We’re both invited but not our kids. Now no issue with the kids not being invited but it does mean we’d have to find childcare for them. We’d also be paying eye watering school holiday prices for flights and accommodation, and then wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday as a family.

Our suggestion is that my DP goes by himself and I stay at home with the kids. He can room share with a couple of mates so it will be cheaper and obviously only then paying the cost of one flight,

We are both equally happy with this decision. I’ve met his cousin twice in all the time we’ve been together (DP has only seen him twice in the same amount of time).

However DP’s parents and siblings think it’s weird that he would go to a wedding without me.

So who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Stay at home and save the money, you’re not weird

YABU - PILs are right, suck up the cost and stop being a weirdo

(P.S We don’t really care what his parents or other people think, I was just curious for wider views after seeing the other thread tonight!)

OP posts:
HateMyNewJobSoMuch · 01/10/2024 21:03

I think it’s fine in these circumstances to not attend. Anyone arranging a wedding that is child free AND abroad would be mad to expect everyone to attend.

Ablondiebutagoody · 01/10/2024 21:12

I think it's a great idea

SuperJune · 01/10/2024 21:13

I'll be in a similar position to you soon enough, OP - husband comes from abroad and has loads of cousins I've only met a handful of times.

Our plan is absolutely for him to go, if he wants, and I hold down the fort at home. His family can judge all they want but I'll not be taking their views to heart seeing as they have zero experience of this situation.

Only thing is, make sure you get some 'time off' for yourself when he's back Smile

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 01/10/2024 21:14

So a nigh on stranger has suggested you spend a shit load of money to see them wed another virtual stranger using up your time and time away from dc? Sod that...

MirrorMirror1247 · 01/10/2024 21:17

Not weird at all. When my sister got married two of our cousins came without their wives (who were invited) for the same sort of reasons. None of us batted an eyelid about it.

Original poster
Waffle19 · 01/10/2024 21:17

@Blusterydaytodaypoohbear To be fair I don’t think the bride and groom care either way if we go, I think it’s a courtesy invitation as family!

OP posts:
yeesh · 01/10/2024 21:21

ive gone to weddings on my own before, I don’t think it’s a big deal tbh. we have always done what suits us for each wedding. We didn’t take our son a few times when he was invited & we wanted an adult day or thought he would be bored.

The other thread is different as the partners friends clearly don’t like her & it sounds like there are other things going on.

Atishooo · 01/10/2024 21:23

Well if they’re that bothered they could look after the kids so you can both go….

bitsalty · 01/10/2024 21:26

It's fine not to go. It doesn't work for your family so do as you planned.

Equally I think it's fine not to invite people you don't really like or know.

People get so hung up on this stuff.

Simplelobsterhat · 01/10/2024 21:27

We did the same for a wedding this year ( and that wasn't even abroad, but did need overnight stay) - child free and awkward to find childcare, so the one who was related went and other one stayed home with kids. And we weren't the only ones doing same at that wedding. It makes sense. I don't think anyone thought it was strange.

Original poster
Waffle19 · 01/10/2024 21:58

@bitsalty 100% agree! So much money to spend on people you don’t really know or see even if you are related.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waffle19 · 01/10/2024 21:59

@yeesh Ah yeah I get the other thread was totally different and odd, just made me think about asking MN for opinions!

OP posts:
Edingril · 01/10/2024 22:01

I think it's perfectly fine not to go, I too would not be bothered kids are not invited but I couldn't be bothered to have to organise something

Plus I hate destination weddings I would happily send my husband andcplan a lazy time at home

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/10/2024 22:25

Yanbu ... but sensible.

rayofsunshine86 · 01/10/2024 22:28

HateMyNewJobSoMuch · 01/10/2024 21:03

I think it’s fine in these circumstances to not attend. Anyone arranging a wedding that is child free AND abroad would be mad to expect everyone to attend.

Edited

Ding ding!

That said, I'd probably go as a family but just let DH go to the wedding whilst me and the kids did something else. Holiday and wedding sorted ✅

JRM17 · 06/10/2024 21:18

My cousin got married 2yrs ago about 45mins from where I live and kids were not invited, all my family were going and there was no one I trusted to have our DS7 all day so my husband stayed at home and I went alone. I don't see the issue at all. Xx

CosyLemur · 06/10/2024 21:21

I'd go as a family; let my OH go to the wedding and have a chill day by the pool or something with the kids and make it a family holiday!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 06/10/2024 21:42

This is one of those invites out of courtesy that they don’t actually expect (or probably want) you to accept. Either of you.

if it was a close relative, a cousin he’d grown up with was close to and saw regularly what you are proposing is a perfectly reasonable compromise. But actually I think neither of you need to go out of any sense of obligation. Different if your DH fancies a child free weekend away with extended family on the lash. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are extended the appreciation and the same courtesy

Onethinnyatatime · 06/10/2024 21:45

Of course, you aren't been unreasonable.
However, if I were your husband I don't think I would bother in attending either. I would save the money for something else. It is perfectly fine not to attend a wedding abroad.

Candystore22 · 07/10/2024 06:36

How close is he to his cousin? I’d probably skip the wedding entirely (you AND him) and choose the family holiday. If he feels close to his cousin he should go (alone) but it doesn’t sound like they’re close if he’s also only seen her twice since you’re together.

Original poster
Waffle19 · 07/10/2024 07:01

CosyLemur · 06/10/2024 21:21

I'd go as a family; let my OH go to the wedding and have a chill day by the pool or something with the kids and make it a family holiday!

Oh I’d love that but it’s such an expensive place! Just for me and DH alone to go for three or four nights it was going to cost what we would spend for a week on holiday somewhere for the four of us. One of those things where if money and childcare was no objective of course we’d go, but just would rather not have to scrimp and save for someone I don’t really know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waffle19 · 07/10/2024 07:03

DH was close to cousin growing up but isn’t not. Couldn’t even tell you when he last spoke to him! They’re lovely so no issues there at all, just not close.

Glad everyone thinks I’m not being unreasonable, just DH’s direct family who think I am then!

OP posts:
Sjh15 · 07/10/2024 07:35

Neither me or DP would go if it’s someone he’s seen twice since we’ve been together!! (5 years). We just wouldn’t spend the money

Eenameenadeeka · 07/10/2024 08:22

Neither of us would go in this situation. But you aren't being unreasonable, no way I'd leave the kids and not be able to afford a family holiday to go to a wedding of someone you don't spend time with.

74Violette · 07/10/2024 08:30

You're not being weird at all. You have kids, you're doing the practical thing.

I really dislike the idea that if you're in a relationship you have to be joined at the hip.

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