How to edge away from a friendship that you don't really want..

[Korn4]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable but I feel horrible to feel this way.
A lady at work has increasingly wanted to become friends and I'm finding it suffocating and want to put some boundaries in place without hurting her feelings.

I'm in a busy management role and spend a lot of time on TEAMS as most people do these days.. she messages every day and it's not a simple quick hello, it's reams of messages and irrelevant questions. I've got to the point where I put my status as do not disturb which makes me look so ignorant.

She WhatsApps every evening, again reams of messages and pictures.. I dread when my phone goes off now that I've now put it on silent when I get home.

I'm also a busy single parent and have my dc 99% of the time as my dc father is an abuser and has v v minimal contact. By the time I'm home from work and ferrying about to clubs, dinner, reading, bath, tidying, washing etc the last thing I want to do is reply to war and peace on WhatsApp.

She pressurising me to meet up out of work and has told me she's told her mum about me who also looks forward to meeting me!!

How do I get it to stop? I don't want to be friends and can't fake it.. I feel utterly awful for feeling this way as she's a perfectly nice lady and don't want to be ignorant but the friendships in my life are ones I've maintained for 20 plus years. I'm still friends with my circle of friends from secondary school.

I just find it suffocating and want to put it boundaries without hurting her feelings.

Advice??

Don't feel bad about it. You don't currently have time in your life for people who don't add to it. Just tell her you are very busy and her messages are getting in the way of your work. Don't reply to her evening WhatsApps. She doesn't seem very respectful of your boundaries so you can't worry too much about hurting her feelings by enforcing them because she isn't being respectful of your feelings.

If she messages you about work then reply. If she asks you personal questions or talks about things that are not work related then ignore them. Be courteous, polite and professional. Have you also thought about blocking her on WhatsApp?

I'd stop looking at or replying to her Whatsapp messages and tell her you don't look at whatsapp much at home and mainly use it for work. Tell her you're too busy to meet up and she maybe needs to join a clubif she's bored and wants to meet new people

Just don't open or reply to her messages. Or just do a quick reply to apologise & say you have been too busy with children & housework.

I don't think that's normal behaviour to keep messaging a colleague who isn't responding. I think she sounds completely OTT.

Silence is your friend here...don't reply to the whattsap ones, she can't just keep sending messages to someone who literally doesn't reply so you must have been replying a little for her to continue so persistently?

Understand you can't completely ignore her at work so keep replies as brief as possible .

She likely will get hurt so you may have to accept hurt feelings as an outcome but it's really nothing for you to feel bad about you and not responsible for her.

You don’t have to humour someone who can’t respect professional boundaries. Just stop responding to non work related stuff.

Teams is tricky for this because it enables people to cross boundaries in this way and its insidious. You wouldn’t repeatedly wander over to someone’s desk and ask them questions during the work day but these digital platforms give it a veneer of legitimacy.

I have a colleague who was doing this to me until recently. He’s a lovely guy but really really needy and dependent and needs to second guess everything and it’s exhausting. Until recently he was calling me 3-4 times a day. I have just stopped taking his calls and now ask him to email or message. I simply don’t have time for it.

Why has she got your WhatsApp link, is it a work group?

I’d just politely tell her you have a busy life outside of work, and cannot answer personal messages, so have your phone silenced at home. But happy to chat at work, keep the job going. Make sure she knows that you are there to support work related queries, but that outside of work you are very busy with personal stuff. Keep it polite, light hearted. Hopefully the message will get through. Don’t share any of this with anyone else at work though, keep it all confidential and discreet, nothing shared with others. Managing teams can be difficult. I kept all my subordinates at arms length, it made things easier to manage. I knew that at some point I might end up disciplining someone, so it made things easier.

This is good advice. Converse politely and succinctly at work but ignore all personal whatsapps completely. I am not sure if you have been replying thus far but stop. immediately.

It's completely wrong and inappropriate of her to be trying to force a friendship outside of work when you dont want it. You arent obliged to be friends with her and you are not responsible for her feelings. You are allowed to hold a boundary for yourself. All of us deserve respect/civility but we arent owed friendships with anyone.

Communicate!

"I'm sorry for not being very responsive. I'm so busy at home with the kids and routines that I'm sorry to say I don't really have the time for much out of work stuff.". Don't just block her, it's unkind.

Start asking less about her and give more vague answers. Don't feel shy to cut off conversations if you're busy.

Be kind and respectful but don't feel guilty, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate!

Put the WhatsApp chat in the archive folder and forget about it.

I was replying very minimally to start with but it was only along the lines of "sorry for late reply, been doing xxx" I never engage in her long essays. I think it's as pp said earlier about a similar colleague, she comes across as very needy. She is married but has no children and has an elderly mother and a dog.. I think forming friendships plays a big part in her life. She over shares in the office when we've been in together and it's uncomfortable at time.

Taking on board the advice though and think it's important I recognise I shouldn't feel bad.

Tell her straight. You are a very busy single parent with no space for new friends or additional socialising.

It's difficult when someone latches onto you, you're not doing anything wrong. I would gently explain to her that as a single parent, your time away from work is busy with the children and their activities and you don't have time for messaging in the evening or to meet up. Be distantly friendly at work and ignore messages outside of work.

I would reply once, saying "hey x, I am so busy outside of work with my children and house work that I am muting my WhatsApp as I just dont have time to reply and I need to be able to switch off or else I cant get anything done- I'll see you at work". Then dont reply anything further at all. If it feels too harsh to say this in a text then tell her next time you see her.

You have then told her why you arent replying so it isnt rude, you haven't blocked her, or done anything unkind or mean but you have set a perfectly reasonable boundary. If she carries on messaging after that, ignore. You can even set do not disturb I think for certain people on WhatsApp? Dont apologise for it though as it's nothing worthy of an apology! We all need down time and it's not something you need to say sorry for as that implies you have done something wrong when you absolutely haven't.

If after saying this she still carries on then that shows she has zero respect for you or your time, doesnt care about your needs/feelings (which is a big red flag), and you may need to have a firmer word with her. As a PP has said, do not then worry about being rude. She is being rude to you by messaging you incessantly when it's clearly unwelcome in the first place.

If she asks you again about meeting up simply tell her that due to childcare/ outside responsibilities you are unable to meet up outside of work. Keep the emotional temperature low and light hearted. Much of our communication is how we express ourselves rather than what we actually say as words, so keep it light and polite but never let the boundary be eroded.

This. I hate all the advice that is saying to fade out. Being honest is way better IMO.

I think if you can let go of the feeling awful about it bit, it will be easier to sort.

Not doing something because you don't want to is reason enough. She might have decided you're her new best friend, but unless it's reciprocal then she's going to have to back off a little bit. If she won't take a hint, it's ok and often the kindest thing, to be honest.

You don't have to apologise for not gettting back to her. As PP have said you can kindly and firmly say that you don't have time to chat much in the evenings as you're juggling a lot. Turn your blue ticks off and excercise your right to privacy. You don't owe her your time out of work. She's a colleague.

Delegate her questions to a member of your team. Tell both. When she messages you forward straight to the other person. Part of both people development plan.

Any chatty messages just ignore or say ' we use team chat for chat,x, pop anything in there that's chatty and not work.

What's app - if that's your personal phone then block her. If she messages you at work and asks about what's app say you don't use it anymore.

If its a work phone, get IT to put a note round about personal emails etc. Then when she does it again reply pls don't message me, it's not for personal use.

Be honest and tell her what you’ve written about being busy.

I have got someone like this - just incessant messages about absolute drivel then on the odd occassion l have to message her, l get a soppy message back oh it's so lovely you are thinking about me, l miss you even though l see this person 4 times a week. It is so intrusive. Being subtle doesn't work - but if l am honest, she 0would go on about how hurt her feelings are.
I think a breezy "my evenings are so busy" is all you need to say then just don't engage"

Just say you’re far too busy with being a single parent.

She sounds very suffocating and overbearing to the point it doesn't really sound normal. I mean who bombards people with messages to that extent every day and puts pressure on someone to meet. I'd simply just not respond for a couple of weeks, you don't need to reply every time she messages. Then respind bluntly and infrequently. She should get the message. I'd just keep doing it that way. Just keep politely declining her demands for meeting. Or if you are a more forward person you could just politely and firmly just be as honest as possible , hopefully she will back off

This is really great advice thank you. I really appreciate all the responses.
I'm naturally a people pleaser at heart and that's probably why I feel bad but I have neither the time or inclination to want to be friends..

I'm going to do exactly this.

Yep. Mute (just) her conversations so you're not aware when she messages you, and can ignore her. If she questions it... "sorry, as a single parent I don't have time for messaging, so mute WhatsApp in the evening"

This is also great advice too. I've essentially made a rod for my own back by not having the courage just to be honest from the get go. I suppose I just felt bad as she's a nice person albeit overbearing, when it started encroaching into my personal time and space that's there I've now realised I need to instill a boundary which just involves being honest.

Ack I have had this. I just had to stop replying having initially given short friendly responses at first always saying I was full on, not a spare minute etc

not remotely true lol but she was almost like love bombing me
she rang me out of the blue a few months ago and I felt pressured to answer… luckily for me I had Covid so her announcement that she’d booked into a hotel near me for the weekend made it out of the question that we’d meet lol
honestly just her name makes me start sweating