How to edge away from a friendship that you don't really want..

[Korn4]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable but I feel horrible to feel this way.
A lady at work has increasingly wanted to become friends and I'm finding it suffocating and want to put some boundaries in place without hurting her feelings.

I'm in a busy management role and spend a lot of time on TEAMS as most people do these days.. she messages every day and it's not a simple quick hello, it's reams of messages and irrelevant questions. I've got to the point where I put my status as do not disturb which makes me look so ignorant.

She WhatsApps every evening, again reams of messages and pictures.. I dread when my phone goes off now that I've now put it on silent when I get home.

I'm also a busy single parent and have my dc 99% of the time as my dc father is an abuser and has v v minimal contact. By the time I'm home from work and ferrying about to clubs, dinner, reading, bath, tidying, washing etc the last thing I want to do is reply to war and peace on WhatsApp.

She pressurising me to meet up out of work and has told me she's told her mum about me who also looks forward to meeting me!!

How do I get it to stop? I don't want to be friends and can't fake it.. I feel utterly awful for feeling this way as she's a perfectly nice lady and don't want to be ignorant but the friendships in my life are ones I've maintained for 20 plus years. I'm still friends with my circle of friends from secondary school.

I just find it suffocating and want to put it boundaries without hurting her feelings.

Advice??

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. I’d either
spell it out - nicely. “Look, you seem like a nice person, but you don’t seem to be taking the hint from my lack of response to your messages - or have the insight into my life why I need to take a huge step back from you. I’m a single mum and literally don’t have enough time or space to spend time with my established friends and family. Please understand that while I understand you probably mean well, your constant stream of messages during and after work actually increase my mental load and make me feel pressured. Please can you keep messaging strictly to work only? That would be immensely helpful. Thanks.” OR ask HR to speak to her about it if you can’t do this yourself.

She pressurising me to meet up out of work and has told me she's told her mum about me who also looks forward to meeting me!!

^

She sounds deluded

She's forcing herself on you.

You wouldn't tolerate a man doing this so why be tolerant of her?

She might even just be sucking up to you if you're senior to her.

'Sheila, let's keep things professional. Only message me regarding important work related stuff that can't be discussed in person at work.'

Someone booked into a hotel near you, without any prior warning or discussion, just to spend time with you? That’s a tad on the creepy side.

I think, as you haven’t socialised with her outside work, telling her you keep your work life and social life completely separate and don’t see any colleagues or open texts from them when you are not at work.

The previous OPs advice to say you are busy with your family would be enough for most people but then most people wouldn’t be talking about you meeting their mum. If you say you’re too busy she might just offer to come round and help you 😳

@Lurkingandlearning

That's the thing when you make excuses, they can always be worked around. Never give excuses, just state firmly that you don't want to do something.

Saying sorry is also not applicable in this circumstance as it gives the impression you've done something wrong by not accepting their friendship. There is no need to apologise whatsoever.

On WhatsApp you don't need to block someone, you can just come out of the group or remove yourself from the chat with this colleague.

that isn't blocking, it's just taking them off. They can send a further WhatsApp message but it does flag to you that they're not in your contacts list and you can then just leave their message unread

OP I feel your pain. I got into a 'situation' at work with someone who *really wanted to be friends and in hindsight I wish I had shut it down far earlier. She was younger than me and seemed to be looking for a mentor but as I got to know her I realized she had some underlying MH issues and was really looking for a parent. It became untenable. I had to be very clear with her. I used family life as an excuse and asked her to respect my time limitations. This seemed kinder than telling her that I didn't like her very much!

This is really good advice and what I did when I was in a similar situation to you OP. Never explain. Never apologise. Also make yourself as boring as possible. Give non-answers to her questions and don’t ask her questions. Look up the grey rock technique.

Oh my gosh I could have written this exact post myself! This is something I’m suffering with terribly at work from a very needy work colleague who thinks we’re “best friends”.

I have done all of the above in regards to contact outside of work, not replying to WhatsApp messages etc etc. however this has now meant she’s even more needy at work. She is the loudest person in the office and as soon as she sees me she will run up and give me a big hug and scream that she’s excited to see me. I HATE personal touch with people I don’t know and this makes shrivel. The worst part it’s always so loud and animated so everyone in the office turns and looks, tutting at our un professionalism as they think we’re two giddy teen girls.

I’ve tried to go to lunch without her, sit away, change my office days but she now does 5 days in the office just “as we kept missing each other”. It feels suffocating!! The problem is she’s well known to go to HR about any little problem and I’m concerned If I take a harsher approach I might be called up to HR- has anyone got any experience on how to take a harsher approach within work?

This.

It's going to he very difficult for you to establish boundaries with anyone if you won't speak to them about it!

You're going to have to spend your life hoping people have exactly the same perspective on things as you do and take hints and understand exactly what you.mean by them.

I have a couple of good work friends. We meet straight after work at the pub down the road for an hour and a catch up once every week or two - we used to work closely together but don't now so don't often see each other in work.

One has made it quite clear that, due to family commitments, she doesn't need any more 'outside work' friends, so meeting up outside work isn't even suggested. No one's feelings were hurt by that. She was just managing other peoples expectations and setting boundaries and its fine to do that.

For context, it's not that she doesn't like me/us but she has primary aged children and mine have both left home (despite us being similar ages) so I naturally have more free time and could potentially suggest meeting up at different times because my life is less busy. So she was making sure everyone was clear on her position. And that's fine.

@Pink39tree Sounds awful.

Regarding the hugs, I think you’re just going to have to get tough. Next time she swoops over, pre- empt it and, saying you no longer do hugs.

Also, can you go and speak to hr first, and explain the situation. Maybe even explain how suffocating your ‘friendship’ is and you’re going to start putting in boundaries.

Regarding other people, they probably realise it’s all her, and are secretly relieved she’s latched onto you, and not them!

Urgh that sounds unbearable. So manipulative.

Me too. I've found the fade out/ghosting really confusing when it's happened to me. It makes you doubt yourself and is unkind.

Much better to let someone down with a kind reason and move on.