How long for parents to stay?

[HappyKite2067]

I have a parent who lives abroad. DH is quite happy to host as long as they want whilst he’s on holiday from work, but has set a 2 night limit on whilst he’s working. Parent is a little bit frustrated as flights are cheaper during times DH is usually not on holiday and it’s a flight for him to get to us. I suppose my question is: is DH being unreasonable rather than am I being unreasonable? I understand where they both are coming from, and my preference would be 2 nights but I’m also happy to host for longer because it’s my parent and I have more flexible hours. DH also has a 3 hour round trip commute.

I think your husband is being very reasonable here to be honest, I don’t love “hosting” and having people in the house when I’m working because I’m so tired after work that I just want to relax which I don’t feel I can with someone else in the house so I think 2 night limit when working & then longer when he is off is totally fair

Wow, 2 nights seems stingy. My rule was two weeks for parents coming from abroad. I didn't enjoy it but they are family.

3 hour round trip commute is a lot.

If your dh is happy to host when he's on holiday sounds like your parent is time consuming to host and he just doesn't have the time when he's working,

I can understand that - I'm not up for long dinners and being sociable every evening if I've got presentations to prepare and work to do.

I think my parent is quite easy to host but my DH likes their own space and has quite a social job which they like to switch off from!

The parent can come for two weeks but when my DH is off work. That’s what the post is about. 2 nights whilst working but as long as they want when they’re not.

Sounds totally reasonable. After a long commute the last thing you want to do is host people!

I have a parent who comes from abroad and it is usually a week. I don't expect my DP to host and encourage him to go out etc. I try to arrange visits for when he is away but that isn't always possible. I think it is important to encourage a relationship with grandparents for our DC for them to spend some time together. DP does agree it is preferable that they come to us to save us using our holiday time on travelling up them. There is plenty of space at our house though so that makes it easier. Is there any compromise? Could DH stay nearer work to reduce commute and have a break? Or could parent stay close by in own accommodation for some nights?

The compromise is they come whilst DH is off work! How many times a year do they visit? I think it’s because they’ve been once a month this year so that’s then one weekend out a month.

I think it's very reasonable from your DH, the trip has to work for both sides.

Shame it's not the cheapest time for your parents but I think it's absolutely fine for you to say to them which dates are best for you and your family.

I don't think you are being 'unreasonable' in wanting longer visits, but I do think that DH is being reasonable to state what he can manage, and also generous to host your parent during his holiday time. It may cost your parent a bit more to come then, but they shouldn't be encouraged to think they can always have exactly what they want even if it's inconvenient and tiring for one of their hosts.

I understand what the post is about. For me it was 2 weeks regardless of work. And I had a 3 hour commute and had to cook dinner when I got home.

My DIL’s mum came from abroad and stayed 7 weeks. It’s a long way to fly and won’t be happening again for a long time . My son liked having her there . I don’t know , guess everyone is different. I think your DH is being unreasonable with setting a time for only 2 nights !

He's completely unreasonable. It's a few days, he can cope with someone for that time. My parents aren't a flight away but a long drive and always come for at least 5 nights. I'd feel like awful kicking them out after 3 nights.

One night DH might take himself off to the PS5 during that time and I might take them out one evening so it's broken up but it's still a decent chunk of time.

I think if they're coming regularly it's reasonable to have some boundaries established to protect your own family's interests.

And I say that as someone whose family live a long way away and my DM recently stayed with us for six weeks - first trip in more than five years. I would not be married to my DH if he did not respect that part of our arrangement to live in his home country is that my family will visit.
But I would not expect that to involve very regular and repeated disruptions to our lives.

If they are coming as regularly as every month I can see why he wants to put boundaries in place.
I am someone who likes a bit of space and no visitors when I am working but happily host my in laws when we are on annual leave.

Once a month is very regular! They really aren’t missing out on time. My parents live locally and there are times I see them once month because they are busy and we are busy it’s just the way it is.

2 nights?! My parents come from overseas and usually stay 6-8 weeks!

I think people aren't seeing that he's said 2 days when he's working - happy for 2 weeks when he's off!

That's totally reasonable, when working with such a long commute - houseguests are a pain.

It’s annoying that does work with the cheapest flights for your parents, but that's life. It needs to work for the hosts - they can pick either a longer stay and pricier flights or a cheaper flight and short stay!

Lol mine stay for 3 months. Guess I am alone in that.

So is your parent wanting to come for two weeks every month or would the trips be less frequent as they would be staying longer each time?

Someone else said their parents stay for two weeks, so I was just saying they’re welcome for 2 weeks just during DH holiday time. There’s no hard or fast rule, but with how often they’ve been coming DH has now said, 2 nights whilst I’m working but they’re welcome as long as they want whilst on AL.

I think this is a key question. Given your DP comes monthly currently and sounds like they want to come for longer on each visit, that's a lot of time with visitors for your DH if he finds that difficult. FWIW, both my DP and DPIL were in the same country and we managed every 3 months or so for a couple of nights. Lots of phone calls though.

I think 2 nights is very inhospitable.

Could they stay in a hotel/airbnb for extra nights? Then you can visit them?

3 nights max - we all know the saying about fish and guests! (And it's not wrong).

I actually think it's very generous of him to be willing to share all of his annual leave time with your parent, I certainly wouldn't do that!