How long for parents to stay?

[HappyKite2067]

I have a parent who lives abroad. DH is quite happy to host as long as they want whilst he’s on holiday from work, but has set a 2 night limit on whilst he’s working. Parent is a little bit frustrated as flights are cheaper during times DH is usually not on holiday and it’s a flight for him to get to us. I suppose my question is: is DH being unreasonable rather than am I being unreasonable? I understand where they both are coming from, and my preference would be 2 nights but I’m also happy to host for longer because it’s my parent and I have more flexible hours. DH also has a 3 hour round trip commute.

They have visited once a month this year? Have I got that right?

That's a lot if so. Especially if there's still an open door when your DH is off (wouldn't be for me)

If they want to reduce flight costs, come every 6 weeks ? And maybe ring fence a long weekend at Easter or similar?

Could you compromise and them be here for longer but not stay with you. We don’t live in another country but do live a good seven hour drive from one child and their family. We try to go a few times a year but stay in an Airbnb. Best of both worlds spend time with GC but leave after evening meal so the adults can have peace in their home for the evening.

maybe going against the grain but I find 2 nights stingy. However, if he is extra generous with his annual leave, then it sounds like a more fair offset. I find a week about right for parent visits, would find it hard to deal with much more but for a flight from abroad especially as they get older, 2 nights feels like you have a lot of disruption anyway, would it really make a difference for them to stay another few nights.

I had my in laws stay for 4 weeks when they last visited. They did go away for a few days each week to visit other parts of the UK and family but mainly at ours.
We don't have a proper spare room either, its shared with the home office.
Neither of us take the whole time they are here off and just plan to be in the office when they are here.

I think your DH is being very accommodating.

Why is your parent staying so often? How often is it?

I’m happy for MIL to stay for 2 weeks but that’s because she visits once a year. DH takes annual leave to entertain her whilst I go to work and we do stuff together on weekends.

Also, when you say ‘DH Is happy to host’ surely he’s not the one hosting after a day at work and a long commute? He should be entitled to have a quick meal and to go to bed to relax if he wants.

My parents live 5000 miles away. They dont come every year but when they come they usually stay for a couple of months. DH is very understanding knowing Im an only child and our kids are the only grandchildren my parents have. The last time parents came was before covid, they helpped us with cooking and child care while they were here. They are very kind people and my DH likes them even though they dont speak the same lanuage. My inlaws live in another European country so they come more often than my parents but only stay 2-3 nights.

They are coming once a month at the moment! I think purely it’s convenient for them to stay and use ours as a base to see friends and other family! No he isn’t hosting but our house isn’t huge so it’s not like he can come home and go to bed with minimal interaction.

At the moment it’s a few nights every month which is why he’s now decided on this rule. He’s happy for a week or so every 3-6 months and then 2 nights here and there in between!

I suggested this compromise but DF isn’t happy about spending money to stay elsewhere-which I understand when we have a place here and they’re paying for their flight. I have to admit, I would actively choose to get a hotel rather than stay with family. FIL has a place abroad which I won’t use if they’re there but will stay in a near by hotel, just to respect there and our space!

Sorry OP but I think he’s 100% right. I would not be able to cope with FIL or MIL or both staying a few nights every month. Especially in a small home.

Your parents need to figure out something else. Maybe they can stay 2 nights with you and 1 or 2 nights in a Premier Inn?

I think your parents are being unfair putting this pressure on your marriage.

Cross post.

Your father is being a CF, he’s using your home as a free hotel.

Pleas prioritise your husband, he’s being very reasonable.

Ok, initially I thought you meant from somewhere like Australia, but if they're coming every month and using you as a base, that's taking the piss. They need to properly fund their trips by paying for a hotel. I think your DH is right. Even two nights per month every month would be too much for me.

It’s frustrating because I know this but then I feel like I’m being unreasonable because it’s just a few nights!

But it’s every month! And please remember that your tolerance for your parents will always be much higher than your husband’s can ever be.

Please put yourself in his shoes, this sounds unbearable.

I was on this wave length but then a lot of people started to say we were being stingy and that their parents come for very long periods of time ha!!!

I used to live abroad, IME, trips which were 4-8 weeks were typically max once per year, possibly even one every two or three years. It's not the right comparison. Given the frequency, I think abroad is a red herring. They might just as well live at the other end of the UK and then you'd get totally different responses if you asked the same question.

You’re probably right! It’s in Europe so not a huge flight time, and I suppose quicker than maybe coming down from say Scotland!

I’m with your DH here. A weekend every month is a lot especially if they’re using your home as a base to see their own friends. It would relieve the pressure to maybe alternate with a hotel I also don’t think your DH should have your parents over during the bulk of his leave. When does he get a chance to really chill in his own home?

It sounds like your parents moved away and you live close to where they previously lived?

Did they talk about their plans for visiting when they planned their move? Or just assumed that they could stay with you?

Could you suggest they stay with the friends they meet up with sometimes and that you will meet them for a day out or make dinner for them while they're here? I assume your parents' friends are retired, so aren't working and have more space for your parents to stay in.

Yes this is the situation and they got rid of their house. I think I’m quite to blame as I was very ‘oh yes it’s an open house’, quite a bit out of guilt due to knowing I’d probably struggle to make it over to see them a lot with workload! I’ve also never had people to stay before except for the odd night here and there so I didn’t realise when I extended the initial invite (although nothing formal was every agreed) that it’s actually quite difficult having people in your home.

You’ve nothing to feel guilty for, they moved away! You are not to blame. Even if you had moved away you don’t owe them monthly accommodation!

If they can afford monthly flights, they can afford a hotel.

Your husband has drawn a boundary, I’d help him to maintain it.

I generally think you put up and shut up for family buttttt

2 nights once a month with in-laws is more than I’d have tolerance for.

your parent should arrange to stay with you for a night or two and then stay with their various friends or just do trips and stay with the friends and visit you.

I can really see why it’s too much especially with a 3 hr commute. It’s not the individual trip it’s the feeling of “Jesus Christ this is my life forever”

I agree.