To be worried he doesn't want sex

[Rosas67]

I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 29. We've only been together officially for 3 months. For the first two weeks, we were having sex every day. It's now dwindled to once every week/10 days which I think is quite low considering how long we've been together...

I do about 70% of the initiating and often he'll reject me. Usually the only time we have sex is in the morning but I'm always half asleep and can't enjoy it as much as I would in the evening. He works a physical job and is often really tired in the evenings so I understand and haven't mentioned anything to him about our sex life.

Last night he randomly opened up saying that he's noticed his sex drive has dropped and he's worried about how it's making me feel because he's aware he's rejecting me. He said he didn't want me to feel unwanted but wasn't sure why he didn't want to have sex much anymore. I asked if he was totally happy in the relationship and he said yes.

I don't want to put pressure on him or make him feel like it's a problem so I reassured him and said it's natural to not want sex sometimes. I'm really hoping this is a phase but I honestly would like to have sex more often than we do. It's starting to make me feel unwanted/unattractive.

Thoughts? Is this normal? How can I help him to feel better?

After three months, I wouldn't say it was normal. But I get the work situation as my partner is also in a physical job. My partner also has chronic pain issues and low testosterone count so sex life has been challenging in the last 6 months but, certainly, for the first 3 months in a relationship it was not an issue and we managed about once a week (bearing in mind we didn't lived on opposite ends of the city and didn't see each other daily).
Sounds like he is aware and open about it so I don't think there is a fundamental problem with the relationship. Something else might be going on which is affecting his sex drive. Find other pressure-free ways to connect for now and see how it goes.

It's a really good sign that he's opened up to you on his own initiative. I think a lot of men would bottle it up or feel too embarrassed to talk about it.

If he's tired from his job that seems to be the most likely reason; does he have a break or a holiday coming up to get his energy back?

If he's stressed or anxious for any other reason that could also be an explanation. Beyond tiredness and stress there could be medical reasons that a GP could help with.

While I understand it makes you feel unwanted, I don't think it would do either of you any good to focus on that, because it's almost certainly not because of you.

At 29 he's in prime physical fitness. If he's struggling to do his job now what's he going to be like at 49.

I appreciate this thread isn't for this question but he might want to think about his options and get trained up in something else or go for promotion to a less physical role.

Nobody deserves to be knackered all the time.

Does he drink after work? This can affect sex drive. He should have his testestrone checked anyhow. If it is work related at this stage of a relationship on his day off he would probably want it then. The fact that you do most of the work is a bad sign. I had a partner like that once and it got worse over time. You both are very young for this to be happening. If he works a physical job under 50 hours a week he should still want it on his day off. If he is doing physical labor 70 hours a week I can see where physically he has nothing left. I personally had a physical job working 50 hour a week and we still did it on my day off once a week after some rest, I got up every day at 4 am so the rest of the week was a blur of exhaustion. If he works construction they can be seasonal and during the busy months it’s work till you die mentality. During the slow months you might notice a change. He can get a hormone check or go to a therapist, other than that you can wait and see what happens over time. This may just be his preference for his sex life. At that age it would be a deal breaker for me. I lived like that for 7 years because I was in love and he was my best friend. Don’t waste your youth if he doesn’t get help or figure out the why. My daughters partner doesn’t initiate it as much as she does but sometimes he still does so that’s enough, his brain needs more encouragement. For example she will get new bras and his brain gets activated. But for sure she usually initiates sex most of the time.

Get out of there. He could have a physical issue, he could be watching a lot of porn (most likely), or he could be playing games (sexual withholding) as this is a very effective weapon.

If you really like him ask him to seek help, but I wouldn’t bother. Just leave, these men only get worse until you’re a shell of yourself.

You say he wants it when you’re half asleep. Could be that there are no demands or judgement on him. Could be anxiety.

The right persona to be partaking in lots and lots of porn and having erectile dysfunction.

Run, don’t walk.

I agree with this. It may not be but porn addiction affects men’s intimacy. You are young and I just wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out his problem that early on in a relationship.

Yes
If he’s finding his job exhausting now, how will he feel in say 10 years time.Does he smoke?
(l’m not referring to cigarettes) This can lower sex drive.

I disagree with the porn thing above.

It was good for months, so he's willing and capable. I honestly think it's a 'too much of a good thing' thing.

I love sex and don't get enough of it, but I've been in relationships where it started off daily. I honestly got a bit tired of it after a few months because it got a bit routine.

Let the drought happen a bit. He'll be back.

Exactly, especially not three months in. Major red flag!

And now he has had what he wanted he is already getting bored. How I see it. I don’t think people realise how terribly porn addiction is effecting men on a mass scale.

Obviously I don’t know the guy, this is up to OP to assess. I wouldn’t put up with this on such a short lived relationship and being that age, hell no.

You also say it was every day and now basically nothing. Red flag no 2/of many

He exercises a lot. He's for a run at 5am then out the house at work and commuting to/from for 12 hours a day. Then he usually goes to the gym after work so he's non stop. He looks after himself very well but drinks and smokes socially at the weekends. Ever since we got together, it's like he's been in overdrive. He used to just do a quick workout at his house after work but now he goes to the gym for 90 minutes. He said being with me has motivated him to be a better version of himself (not sure why as I don't go to the gym). Hes made jokes about how he needs to keep up with how beautiful I am. Very sweet but I thought he was gorgeous when we met and didn't think he needed to improve.
I think he may be just completely burnt out from life and putting pressure on himself. I spoke to him about this today and he agrees that he's burning the candle at both ends and is gonna take it easier on himself.
If things don't change though I'm just going to reconsider.

Are you absolutely certain he is at the gym? Your instinct is that something is not right.... I agree

I have to say this was my thought too.

I don’t think it’s something we can give you advice on op- he may genuinely be absolutely wrecked given his job! It could be what a lot will assume or he may genuinely have a low sex drive- I know I’m a woman but I have/ had a really low sex drive and it’s been sad over the years when dh took it personally, especially starting out- it could be a real thing! Also every day in the first two weeks wasn’t faesible anyway- sounds exhausting

Could be steroids given his gym habits. Watch out for him getting moodier.

He’s got a low sex drive, has been making himself have sex a lot and now he’s stopping the pretence. By getting in ahead of you and bringing it up he’s made you feel sorry for him. This isn’t something that’s just happened to him that he doesn’t understand - this is just him.

im not going into details about my experience but this will destroy your self confidence - it’s already having an effect on you. It’s been 3 months - just say “this isn’t working for me” and move on. You don’t owe him ANYTHING and certainly you don’t owe him a relationship where you’re being made to feel unattractive and unwanted.

three months in. Just go!

I think I’d feel upset that he seemed to be prioritising going to the gym ahead of intimacy. I would see if he can cut back on gym time to spend more quality time with you and if it’s a no I’d separate.

I would be sceptical about the going to the gym virtually every day after such an early start and long working/ commuting hours. Surely someone so dedicated to keeping their body in shape wouldn't smoke and drink on a weekend and undermine their fitness regime?
Even if he hasn't someone else on the go the relationship doesn't look as though it's really worth continuing if it's already worrying you and will affect yourself esteem.

I was about to say the same thing about it being strange someone who goes to the gym so much smokes and drinks, but then OP has said he does the gym to “keep up with her” basically.

so I guess it is just for superficial reasons then - he wants to look good rather than be healthy but it’s still off putting. And I’m not even sure if I believe that is his reason for extending the gym time though, because it’s taking time and energy away from your relationship. And he’s saying he’s doing it because you’re so beautiful?

If it continues I’d tell him straight he looks great too and doesn’t need to bother about working out more for your sake, and that you’d actually prefer to spend more time together.

If he does a physical job he really has no need to be working out so much. He’s ageing himself prematurely with this excessive exercise and smoking at the weekend and it’s impacting your relationship.

I don’t know if another woman has caught his eye at the gym or not but either way I’d throw this one back if things don’t change. men put their best foot forward in the first 6 months or so. The fact he’s being like this so soon doesn’t bode well.

I think he may be just completely burnt out from life and putting pressure on himself. I spoke to him about this today and he agrees that he's burning the candle at both ends and is gonna take it easier on himself.
If things don't change though I'm just going to reconsider.

It’s good he admitted this though and has said he’s going to take things a bit easier. Just watch to see if he follows up on his words with actions though.

Maybe he has a secret Grindr profile?

It sounds like he’s fit and healthy and otherwise a lovely partner! I think maybe he just has a naturally lower than average libido and this is just him feeling really secure in the relationship and comfortable with you. The lusty stage doesn’t last forever.

Are people not entitled to simply not want sex? Seems a bit mean to punish him with threats of leaving and turning his life upside down.

Of course they are, but equally, especially this early in, OP is entitled to say it’s not for her and leave, without guilt or the responsibility of “turning his life upside down”