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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be worried he doesn't want sex

35 replies

Rosas67 · 01/10/2024 07:46

I'm 26 and my boyfriend is 29. We've only been together officially for 3 months. For the first two weeks, we were having sex every day. It's now dwindled to once every week/10 days which I think is quite low considering how long we've been together...

I do about 70% of the initiating and often he'll reject me. Usually the only time we have sex is in the morning but I'm always half asleep and can't enjoy it as much as I would in the evening. He works a physical job and is often really tired in the evenings so I understand and haven't mentioned anything to him about our sex life.

Last night he randomly opened up saying that he's noticed his sex drive has dropped and he's worried about how it's making me feel because he's aware he's rejecting me. He said he didn't want me to feel unwanted but wasn't sure why he didn't want to have sex much anymore. I asked if he was totally happy in the relationship and he said yes.

I don't want to put pressure on him or make him feel like it's a problem so I reassured him and said it's natural to not want sex sometimes. I'm really hoping this is a phase but I honestly would like to have sex more often than we do. It's starting to make me feel unwanted/unattractive.

Thoughts? Is this normal? How can I help him to feel better?

OP posts:

SurelySmartie · 02/10/2024 08:30

That’s quite a problem to have this early on in a relationship.

He seems to be very busy and prioritises fitting a lot into his life. Except what you need…

Apotofgold · 02/10/2024 08:41

DonnaBanana · 02/10/2024 08:05

It sounds like he’s fit and healthy and otherwise a lovely partner! I think maybe he just has a naturally lower than average libido and this is just him feeling really secure in the relationship and comfortable with you. The lusty stage doesn’t last forever.

OP said : He looks after himself very well but drinks and smokes socially at the weekends.

He may be reasonably fit and healthy now as he’s only 29 and does a lot of exercise on top of his manual job , but no matter how many workouts he does smoking will catch up with him. And if he gets increasingly stressed the weekend smoking may turn into every day smoking.

If this is his natural libido he should say that to OP, so she can make the decision whether to stay with him or not. But he’s making it sound more of a temporary thing.

Apotofgold · 02/10/2024 08:47

To add personally I wouldn’t mind someone with a naturally lower sex drive. But I would mind someone who wasn’t able to have sex as much, because they gave so much to every other area of his life that I was left with crumbs.

Because I think ultimately if he gets into the habit of not making your relationship a priority it’s not just your sex life that will take a hit.

Freeyourminds · 02/10/2024 13:11

Moonmelodies · 02/10/2024 08:16

Are people not entitled to simply not want sex? Seems a bit mean to punish him with threats of leaving and turning his life upside down.

It isn’t really fair to the other person though, if you’re in a relationship.If you want to be in a relationship and you don’t want to have sex you need to tell the other person.Otherwise it’s going to be like in OP’s situation, trying to understand.It’s not about entitlement, it’s about communication and l think it’s avoidance from him.It sounds like @Rosas67 hardly gets to see him, gym after work for 90 mins, out well before work, for a run, sounds excessive, no wonder he’s exhausted.When do they actually get to spend time together.
I do think it can be different for couples who have been together for many years, but in this situation, this is only 3 months in, they’re clearly not communicating, as to why there’s this change and he’s choosing to avoid, what’s really going on, by spending as much time as he can, away from their relationship.

Original poster

Rosas67 · 02/10/2024 18:00

We only see eachother at the weekends really so him going to the gym in the week doesn't affect what time we spend together. It's just at the weekend he's completely shattered. He also wakes up ridiculously early (before 5am) whereas I'll like to have a lie in at the weekend. He's then exhausted by the afternoon. I think he's just doing too much...

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosas67 · 02/10/2024 18:02

Also he's got quite high levels of anxiety. Gets very overwhelmed in busy places or when socialising for more than a few hours etc

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 02/10/2024 18:12

Lots of potential reasons here but the upshot of all of them is not a great outcome for you OP.

Porn addiction, gay, cheating, etc

3 months in? Nah. Too much hassle. Honestly. Throw this one back.

Rass · 02/10/2024 18:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Rosas67 · 02/10/2024 18:57

Sorry. By every day I meant at least once a day each time we saw eachother

OP posts:

Apotofgold · 02/10/2024 23:49

So it’s went from 2/3 times to once a week? Perhaps not such a massive change as I had thought based on your initial explanation it went from 7 times a week to once a week.

Tbf if I was only seeing someone on a weekend not sure if I’d want to have sex every single night we were together all the time.

Why do you not see each other during the week anyway? I mean he has time to go to the gym for 90 minutes and morning runs daily or is it a long distance thing?

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