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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

His parents don't know about us

57 replies

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:26

DP got back together after 6 months apart following an explosive break up (we both acknowledge and agree he was the perpetrator, he is remorseful). His parents were, I feel, over involved in the break up.

He lives with his parents, and lies to them about where he is going when he comes to see me. He also doesn't want me to tell my family (even though I want to) about us, in case it gets back to his as we live in the same town.

We were going to go away and stay in a family friend's apartment in December, he wants me to lie about who I'm going with.

He said that he thinks we should tell me around March time, when we're more "settled".

It's really pissing me off. AIBU???

OP posts:
Seas164 · 30/09/2024 21:46

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:30

Because his parents won't like the fact we're together.

Show quote history

You shouldn't like the fact that you're together, fuck what either set of parents think.

If you embroil yourself further in a relationship with a man who's parents were "over involved in the break up" and he as a grown adult has to duck and dive the truth around there is a minefield of stress and heartache for you in future if you ever have kids.

Walk away, find someone better. They are out there, believe me.

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:48

Have you got children, @havanar?

Original poster
havanar · 30/09/2024 21:48

TheShellBeach · 30/09/2024 21:48

Have you got children, @havanar?

Yes, but not with him.

OP posts:
HazelPlayer · 30/09/2024 21:52

It sounds like he mistreated you.

And now he's still mistreating you.

How come you're being "punished" for his shit behaviour and you're the one having to be kept a secret?

What were his parents told about the break up?
Why would they be unhappy about him seeing you again?

WalkingaroundJardine · 30/09/2024 21:53

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:42

Do you think you were flamed, or do you think they had a point?

They definitely had a point, I could see where all the responses were coming from.

Even though we on MN get frustrated, we do care about our sisters. Some of the frustration comes out of having made the same partner mistakes when we were younger. I am in my 50s now and look back on my younger self as someone who didn’t have much self worth and so her bar was very low. I really wish I had access to a resource like MN but the internet was like 3 more years down the track 😂

I think you know in your heart your DP hasn’t changed and won’t change. He has probably smeared you to his parents from the previous breakup, hence the secrecy until you had been together long enough for credibility in their eyes. If they accepted his side of the story back then and “don’t like” you, it not exactly great for the future of the relationship. When you marry someone, you also traditionally marry into their family, depending on how close they are.

olivepoems · 30/09/2024 21:53

What a total manchild. He doesn't want to tell them until March? How pathetic!

I'd also be suspicious that there's a woman on the scene who is not you.

HazelPlayer · 30/09/2024 21:54

You are a Mum op.

Your stability and happiness and self confidence directly affects your kids, whether you try your utmost to make it not; you don't need this in your life.

If you have a partner you need a really decent one, and he is not sounding like one.

Babbahabba · 30/09/2024 21:55

He could be seeing someone else that his parents know about (or saw someone else that they know during your break). Seems bizarre to keep you so hidden.

fashionqueen0123 · 30/09/2024 21:55

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:28

They do know me.

They just don't know we're back together.

Show quote history

Ok.
In some ways that’s even worse then.

Im sure you can do better than this guy.

DadJoke · 30/09/2024 21:56

Yes, you are right to be pissed off with him for not telling his parents. He’s just embarrassed because of all the deeply unpleasant comments he’s made about you. If you are happy to be with a man who is ashamed of you, you have no self-respect.

DoYouReally · 30/09/2024 21:56

This is the least of your problems.

Why are you focusing on this rather than all of the concerning issues and your children?

You are even too embarrassed to even post about the argument.

Do you really not think you deserve better? Why not?

Original poster
havanar · 30/09/2024 22:00

DoYouReally · 30/09/2024 21:56

This is the least of your problems.

Why are you focusing on this rather than all of the concerning issues and your children?

You are even too embarrassed to even post about the argument.

Do you really not think you deserve better? Why not?

I'm not embarrassed, just I've posted about it before. It's redundant.

I also do focus on my child, of course.

OP posts:
Aligirlbear · 30/09/2024 22:04

havanar · 30/09/2024 21:30

Because his parents won't like the fact we're together.

Show quote history

So why will leaving it until March make it better ? Or will there be another excuse to keep things secret ? This is far from normal behaviour and you deserve better. How is this impacting your DC , either you are having to make them keep secrets or you are sneaking around behind their back which is dishonest and either will cause problems in the future between you and your DC.

BrendaSmall · 30/09/2024 22:07

I wonder if he’s with someone else now and you’re his bit on the side, which is why your relationship is to be kept a secret!

Seas164 · 30/09/2024 22:12

havanar · 30/09/2024 22:00

I'm not embarrassed, just I've posted about it before. It's redundant.

I also do focus on my child, of course.

Show quote history

It's not redundant. It's probably fairly grim reading.

Your choice of romantic relationship, and the health of it, directly impacts upon your child. This is the deal when you are a mother. Why pursue a relationship with this man, what does he add to your family? Seriously? How does he improve your life, and the life of your child?

Edingril · 30/09/2024 22:13

Op read your op again as if you were someone else

Then 'are you insane?'

Pingpongglitch · 30/09/2024 22:13

Weren't the responses you got last week enough, when he was blowing you off to stay in with his mum while his dad was away from home. Or, is he the one who comes round twice a week for two hours to get a shag, or the one who keeps going to visit his female "friend" or are all three the same bloke.

You can keep asking. You can keep coming up with different questions but you will keep getting the same answers. Mumnetters recognise a bastard when they see or hear about one.

FiveShelties · 30/09/2024 22:16

I would not want to be with anyone who wanted to keep me a secret.

AngelinaFibres · 30/09/2024 22:20

Is his penis made of pure gold with 6 vibration settings?....no
Is he a billionaire.?...Well he lives with his parents so I'd hazard that's a no.
Is he the only man on earth with a pulse?.....well also no.
What on earth are you doing. Raise the bar Op.

LostittoBostik · 30/09/2024 22:22

I don't know anything about your previous posts but if you use "perpetrator", did you initially leave him because of DV?

And do his parents have no idea? And do you think maybe he's just going to try to protect their image of him at all costs? And if so, what's the point of this relationship?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/09/2024 22:32

Of course YANBU, he obviously doesn’t respect ypu if he feels he has to lie and keep you a secret. But it also sounds like you don’t respect yourself or you wouldn’t go along with this. If he doesn’t want to tell anybody in his family that you’re in a relationship then do you both a favour and end it, that way nobody ever needs to be told!

BirthdayRainbow · 30/09/2024 22:35

You might feel you are focusing on your child but you are also showing them that you're not worthy of a loving and open relationship. You're being hidden like a dirty little secret.

DeliciousApples · 30/09/2024 22:39

Either his parents have an arranged marriage fir him and he's hoping you don't find out he's getting married / is married.

Or.

He lied to them about the cause of the breakdown of your relationship last time which paints you in a bad light and him the perfect gent....

Yeah I'd not be up for that.

swizzlemix · 30/09/2024 22:39

Are you really this desperate??

Put your child first, this is a toxic environment for them.