To be upset friend stopped texting

[spanieleyes22]

So I have a friend for many years and we live in different counties now. I would visit about once a year. Ur we texted nearly every day definitely every 2nd day. Just everyday stuff what was happening etc. but for the last 2.5 weeks she's gone silent. I don't know if it was something I said or did she hasn't said anything. The last txt was one I sent in a sun afternoon. She didn't reply and I left it until the Thurs when I sent a short txt just saying hope everything is ok? And she replied straight away and we had a convo on txt. Then nothing for about a week and eventually I txt her and said hi how r u. And she said she was fine. Then she said she had been busy but there was nothing she said that wasn't normal for her iukwim. Def feel like something is wrong. Altogether I've reached out 3 times so I think I will just leave her alone now. Am just feeling really sad it's left a great big gap in my life. Most days we would have a txt catch up. Sometimes just a couple of txt sometimes a longer chat . I don't think I've been needy or I've been racking my brains have I said anything to upset her. Am just really down about it. We been friends for many years I will be v sad if it's "over"

I would possibly send her a friendly message explaining that you feel she's gone cold...give her a chance to talk about it if there is an issue. If she doesn't want to or she doesn't reply then yes I would step away.
I think it will drive you mad if you don't try to find out what's changed.

Texting every day is quite full on for a friendship, maybe her circumstances changed? Does she have a new partner, new local friend's, people visiting or something.

Perhaps she genuinely is a bit busier. Sometimes people just have a bit of an unsaid break from text/whatsapp.

I do that often when I get busy, then we just pick up naturally where we left off when we have time. It's not necessary to be in touch every day. With true friendships it should be easy to pick and communicate even if you havnt spoken for weeks or months.

You do sound very needy though. Maybe your friend can sense that too and needs a break. It shouldn't be dependant on your friends texts to fill the gaps in your life. You need to find ways to make your own life full and active.

No nothing like that. She is in a very stable marriage . The reasons she gave for being busy were the things she does all the time anyway like taking her dd to hockey practice and taking her mother to physio every 2nd week. She's done that for ages so it's not new busy iukwim. I feel like I must have said something as it's just weird . She has been cold ur right. I wish I knew what I did

I think this happens sometimes - I'm quite a regular texter with friends - have about 3 friends I text most days, usually several times days. Then there are others the next level "down" who I text probably once a week (which might turn into a mini conversation sometimes.)

Definitely some people have been at the daily level before and over time it has changed to the weekly level, but I think probably more gradually than the pattern you describe.

With the ones I text less, it doesn't necessarily mean I like them any the less, so I wouldn't take it to mean that. If she doesn't like you any more, after all, she probably wouldn't text at all!

Maybe she just has too much going on to have time to text so often. I do totally understand why you are missing it, but I would probably try to match her energy - then at least you keep the friendship, rather than taking offence and losing her altogether?

Also, it may be a passing thing? I have friends who go quiet on occasion if going through a really difficult time - I have been like this in the past myself as well.

Good luck.

I honestly don't think I've been needy. She would often txt me first. Often I'm in work but I always reply as soon as I can. I can't help it I'm just missing our chats. Consensus seems to be that I'm needy and have an empty life though so hey ho just have to get on with it and not be upset: it seems nowadays there's very little you are "entitled" to feel sad about mostly it's your problem and you need to get over yourself.

Thing is OP, you don't sound just sad about it. That's normal when it feels like a friendship is drifting apart.

You sound really anxious about it. You're thinking something is wrong. You are doubting her when she says she's been busy. Maybe theres other things happening in her life that she doesnt feel the need to tell you about. You say yourself that it's left a great big gap in your life.

You make it sound all about your feelings. So it does sound needy. Especially as it has only been 2.5 weeks!

Calling/messaging people takes a lot of energy and it only hits home when you're busy, overworked, feeling drained. At that point it's difficult to keep up conversations or banter even with people that you're close to. It's also not so easy to explain or people bombard you with questions because they are concerned when you just want a bit of peace and quiet. It's easiest to just say I've been busy and leave it at that.

Yeh well I won't be contacting her again. I think she's been very self centered tbh. How long does it take to send a txt nobody is that busy. I think she's annoyed with me as otherwise it just doesn't make any sense. I wouldn't just stop texting with no explanation unless I was annoyed at the person. It seems we are not allowed any expectations of anyone any more. Everything they do is perfect whereas I'm needy. Don't think that's very fair.

I don’t think you are needy, just mystified.

For whatever reason your friend has stopped texting you so often.

It may or may not be because of you.
Only your friend knows and she obviously does not want to communicate the reason to you just yet.

I would try to respect her need to have a little space.

Leave the ball in her court for a while now.

If you do have a sound friendship she will come back to you.

It’s pointless us all second guessing her motives and you becoming more and more anxious about the situation.

Take a step back, stop pondering it for a while. Let your friend take the lead.

Best wishes.

You sound very full on OP.
Your friend might value your friendship, but she could be feeling bored by the constant texting, I know I would do.
Maybe she'd rather just message a couple of times a week, as every day messaging is a lot, as surely, what is there but mundane things to communicate about it it's every single day?

Is she menopausal? She might be overwhelmed at the moment. I call my mum every morning as I walk to work but every so often I feel so overwhelmed with work and life in general that I have to unplug. I’m not always thinking clearly at these times. Often my mum will say “oh I thought we’d fallen out” when I just needed some peace and quiet/phone free time. Nothing personal, just self care.

It’s likely nothing you’ve done and you’re entitled to feel sad. Perhaps consider though that she feels that she needs some time for something going on in her life, send her a message saying that you hope she’s ok and then step back a little to give her some space. Could be a temporary thing or it could be a general slowing down of the messaging which is not designed to annoy you but is something she needs. It’s not all about you.

You think you know what’s going on in her life and head, but you can’t -possibly.

Gently, it’s you being self centred.

I've contacted her 3 times since the "silence" the first time after about 4 days when I said "hi how are you" and she replied immediately "fine how are you". Then about a week later with no messages I txt her"hope you ok" and again she txt straight back "yes I'm fine and you?" And then about 6 days later wit still no messages I txt her yesterday "hi how u" and she again txt back straight away "im fine and you" and then she sent the message about being busy and I just said ok. People are thinking I've been bothering her or pressuring her or sending loads of messages but it honestly wasn't all me . She would often start the convo. Maybe we didn't txt every day but def every second day or maybe 3rd day. I'm upset and yeh maybe if I had more
Friends and a more hectic life I wouldn't notice I don't know. I just miss her that's all. Anyway will leave her alone now. Like you say leave the ball in her court. I have tried to but have been genuinely worried as it's been many years we would have gone that long between texts/ even when she was on holiday this year she txt me. I said bye have a great holiday. And a couple of days later she txt me! And no I don't bother her on her holiday I let her txt me if she wanted to and she did. It's just puzzling and I feel there is a reason but she hasn't told me what it is: I mean who is so busy they can't send a txt it takes 10'seconds or less

Well, you’re coming across on here as both needy and passive-aggressive. Assuming, however, that this wasn’t an issue in your friendship, just acknowledge she no longer wants to text daily. You’re allowed to miss that, but equally, she’s allowed to change the frequency. Concentrate on other friendships for now and give her some space.

Might she simply be wanting to reduce the amount of time she spends texting? It seems a lot. You could try just contacting her once a week instead of every day and see if she’s available for that

I wish people would just be honest and say that they don't have the time, mental energy or whatever to reply or have a friendship. Your last update reads to me there's been a change and she doesn't want to engage with you. I would leave it now for her to contact you. X

Yes I agree. I've been losing sleep over it wondering what I've said or done. If she just said sorry I've not been in contact I'm just ...xyz. Or tell me if I said something that upset her. The fact she replied straight away on each occasion and a bit aggressive to my mind or gas lighty says there's something going on and I'm left scratching my head and worrying . It happened the other way round once about a year ago I'd say when I didn't reply to her for a day or so and she started messaging me hey what's up are you ok so I just said sorry I had been a bit low and hadn't felt like texting and that was that. Anyway nothing I can do now she's said she is too busy to text so I'll just leave her alone. Had a litttle cry in the car to work this morn. I really hope it's not the end of the friendship as I really value it. I feel I've been there for her over the years.

You're suggesting she's selfish or even aggressive, when she's simply replied in kind to your texts, along the lines of, ("fine, how are you?"), which suggests you're getting annoyed and blaming her.

I agree it's upsetting when someone changes the frequency of contact suddenly. No wonder you're confused and worried you've upset her. Are you concerned about how she is?

Respectfully, OP, this largely text-based friendship with someone you only see once a year seems to take up a lot of your headspace if you’re losing sleep and crying in your car over a slightly longer than usual silence. Why would it be the end of the friendship? She’s possibly got stuff going on she doesn’t want to talk about at the moment, so, if you value the friendship as much as you say, give her some space. No need to catastrophise. And maybe stop asking her how she is, especially if what you mean is ‘Why haven’t you texted me?’ Don’t send texts that require a response, just send the occasional message telling her something you think would interest her. When I needed space, a good long-distance friend and I would exchange periodic photos from our runs, or observations about books. It keeps the connection going while not enquiring into life stuff.

I would find that kind of constant contact, especially with someone I wasn’t going to see regularly, really a bit much.

Maybe she was going along with it until now, but has decided finally to put a boundary in place.

One thing if it’s a group chat and everyone can play in and out as they choose, but and individual friend messaging daily - so that it’s a part of everyday life - sounds too much.

I think it's unfair to say it's just the frequency of texts have changed, although the friend has replied immediately to texts, the tone has obviously changed. If there has been something that's pissed her off why not just say and resolve it, if her mental energy has been drained with life in general why not just say?
You might never know if anything has happened OP but you've asked if she's okay and she's said fine, protect your own MH and don't worry it's you, sometimes friendships change and drift apart. X

I've done this 3 times over the years...stopped texting. And each time was for the same reason. In each case the friend used the calls/texts to offload their stuff and never asked or engaged with anything to do with my life. Once, as experiment, I decided to not tell one friend anything about myself until she asked. By the time she enquired about me I'd got a new job, moved to a new town and bought my first house!

Well that's not me. Tbh we talk more about her stuff than mine. I think I know a lot more about her life than she does about mine!

It might be too much for you but we have been texting like this for many years and I like it and I think she did too . People are thinking I've been bugging her but honestly it was very equal - either one of us starting up a convo