Pointless term time working with a tween/ teen

[wouldyouratherdo]

My DD is in year 4 - I've worked term time only since she was in reception, I work from home 4 days a week and I work 30 hours a week so she doesn't have to use wrap around care (she has high functioning autism and didn't enjoy clubs at her infant school).

She is getting to the age where she'd rather hang around herself pottering doing crafts than going out on activities with me. I'm wondering if it's time to go back to full time work so 6 weeks holiday rather than 13. It would bring me an extra £500 which would be useful.
I'd still only work 30 hours and am planning to keep collecting her at 4pm even when she is in secondary.

It just seems sad that a 9 year old would rather watch tv or do crafts than spend time with her mother - but I've felt this for the last few months and wonder if the extra money would benefit her more than me being around - I'm a lone parent so it's only my income we rely on.

What will happen with her in the 6 week holidays if you go back full time? Do you think she’ll cope ok with you not always being there despite her being happy entertaining herself? Might be good to transition her and get her used to it before the upheaval of secondary school, do you think it’s a conversation you can have with her.

£500 a month is a significant amount of money and will no doubt make a massive difference so if you think it won’t have too much of an effect on her or she’d like the independence more I’d go for it. Try and look for a flexible employer though!

Do You have childcare available in the holidays? You say it’d bring you extra money but would you then need to fork that out on childcare?

It's a bit tricky as although I am sure she is happy doing crafts and watching TV, I assume she can't do that unattended at year 4 with autism?

So are you thinking a job that you could work from home with just a light touch overseeing?

I think I would wait and give it an academic year before making such a decision.

Not saying that this will happen to your DD but it's quite common for the wheels to come off for autistic DCs during secondary school, even those who were managing fine or with little support in primary. My DD stopped being able to go to school completely in year 10 and my work has been negatively impacted even 2 years later. I'm thankful that I stayed part time or it would have been even more difficult to manage.

@SpookySpoon22 - I moved my DD from state to private in year 3 after the autism diagnosis. She's at a tiny girls private school where a large proportion of the girls are autistic- so I think the transition to secondary won't be an issue - the prep is on the same site as the secondary and they start secondary transition in year 5.

I'd expect to work from home 4 days a week while she mooches about and would put her in childcare for my office day or have her stay with local family.

No don't do it, the stat of secondary school can be brutal for teen girls. The wheels fell of for us in year 7 and 8, year 9 was far better.

I did leave a term time only job (teaching) for a more flexible but full-time / full year job WFH. DD likes me being around, I can still run her around, I can take a longer lunchs to take her to her friends. When she comes home from school I make her a drink and snack and am about for her to chat to or go back to work if she wants to chat later.

My advice- find something you enjoy doing together, for us it's cinema / theatre / eating out and we get some real quality time there equally a board game now and again is a cheaper option.

I would not leave her alone in the house for the whole day but my work is unusually flexible, I don't have meetings etc - just record the tile I've spent on tasks so I can stop and make her lunch/have a chat

I need an extra £300 a month to cover the VAT on school fees- we are by no means wealthy but the school fees are my main financial priority and knowing they are covered would help me a lot.

@Singleandproud - thank you so much for your experience. This is why I plan to continue just doing 30 hours a week -so I am available for school drop off and pick up.
My employer is very flexible, so if the wheels fall off in year 7 I could take 4 weeks of unpaid parental leave to cover , or request term time only working again. I've been there for a decade and plan to stay until I retire. It just seems that year
4, 5 and 6 are going well so maybe the extra £500 a month would be best for us to ease the school fee pressure.

If my daughter was struggling at school in year 7 I would be able to renegotiate my contract

@wouldyouratherdo that sounds a wonderful school set up - I wish there had been something like that for my DD!

It's hard to advise without knowing your DD but it doesn't sound like much would change for her immediately apart from you not being around in the holidays (how would that work?). However, you may find that she needs you a lot more for emotional support as she navigates the teen years. Would your employer let you switch back to your current hours if it didn't work out, or are you thinking of switching jobs altogether? Flexible jobs are worth their weight in gold.

Edited as I just saw your latest post. Sounds like it'd be fine to trial things if you can switch back at any point!

If your job is as you say, then yes, I work part time from home flexibly whilst DS with autism does his own thing as its pointless me watching tv with him for instance.

He does need monitoring and intervention. I couldn't do some types work..

@AdviceNeeded2024 - I'd have her at home 4 days a week and she'd be with her granny/ aunt/ holiday club for my office day. My employer might even be oh with me wfh entirely during the 6 weeks - they are very understanding and supportive

If you can switch back easily go for, that sounds great.

I think it sounds like you’ve got a really great supportive employer so I’d go for it. You could ask for a trial to see how it goes, just make sure you get it in writing they are happy for you to go back part time if needed. Sounds like the money will be a great help and you’ve got a job with an employer who will support you so you’ve got nothing to lose by trying.

Thanks for all the comments - yes she's in an ideal school set up for an autistic girl and I have a really flexible employer - I'm really lucky on both counts. My main motivation is financial, so I'm less stressed about the school fees.

My high functioning has needed a hell of a lot more support since starting high school. Year 7 has been a shock!

Just to add that my DD complains of being bored a lot when left to her own devices for any length of time during holidays but she rarely meets friends these days so relies on me for company (and is on her phone a lot). It may be different for your DD but I thought it was worth mentioning.

@SpookySpoon22 - it may be a bit late now but there are a few independent schools in our local area which are small class sizes, not academic- and they attract a large proportion /majority SEN students - it's obviously expensive but the staff are used to accommodations - we live in a county which does not recognise dyslexia and won't fund assessments or adaptions so my daughters school has a number of dyslexic children as a result who use overlays/ glasses/ coloured paper that just would not be supported in her previous state school. Same with hyperactivity and movement breaks and ASD students and help with social skills

DD is year 6 now and we have used holiday care up to now, she does 3 days a week at a local outdoor pursuits centre which is eye wateringly expensive but they do really good stuff.

She would have loved the IDEA of spending 6 weeks mooching around the house, but in reality would have been bored and there's no way I'd be able to work from home with a bored 10 yr old distracting me.

I plan to do less holiday club next summer but she'll still have some, I'm thinking a couple of the 3 day 'getting good at bushcraft' 'getting good at target sports' type courses with certificates at the end, because she can't spend 6 weeks just watching telly, pissing about on her phone and whining that's she's bored.

I'm not convinced that in yr 4 she'd be fully ready to entertain herself while you work, you'd need to make sure you have activities booked and probably use a decent portion of your 6 weeks annual leave or unpaid parental leave.

@SpookySpoon22 - I'm already having the issue of loneliness at year 4 - my daughter was not invited to socialise with anyone over the summer - she only saw other children because I invited them for play dates here ,
Or organised DD would attend the same holiday club as her friends. Sadly DD is not good at making friends and seeing other autistic women in the family I do t expect this to improve with age. Up until now she's been happy with days out with mummy which has disguised the problem- but at she 9 she doesn't want to hang out with me - she wants to have friends of her own age. I don't know what to do as I can't make other children want to spend time with her. It's a sad situation

Thanks @wouldyouratherdo but sadly there is literally nothing in my area like that, private or otherwise. We have had to rely on online courses for the time being with mixed results but I really hope future generations will have better options available. There isn't even an external exam centre anywhere nearby for her to take GCSEs other than English and Maths. It's a terrible gap in the education system.

@InfoSecInTheCity - I'm finding holidays in the 6 weeks summer holidays too hot and unaffordable, but can afford holiday clubs etc. The massive benefits of moving her out of the state sector is that her new classmates don't go on expensive holidays and there are no SAHM so they are all in holiday clubs - including one at her school and as it's so much smaller she's willing to go..

@wouldyouratherdo I feel your pain completely. DD seemingly had some lovely friends in primary and I arranged so many playdates and days out. Sadly they nearly all dropped her in secondary because they no longer felt they had anything in common with her or because she found it hard to socialise outside of school. DD has also painfully realised more recently how mean some of them were in primary when she was too naive to realise at the time. The saving grace has been social media because she's kept in touch with a couple of girls who were in the same school who are into the same things.

When I worked 30 hours per week I also bought 2 weeks holiday (60 hours) and used these to work 20 hours for 6 weeks instead, so only had to work normal hours for 1 week of school hols. This made it loads easier for grandparents to do holiday childcare as I only needed 4 hours per day while I worked at home - usually 8-12 and then had every afternoon off, or sometimes I’d do a full day then have Fridays off. If this is an option for you it could be a halfway house to get extra money but still spend time with dd?

@SpookySpoon22 - we are already finding this from her former infants school - I arranged so many outings and play dates but those children no longer want to socialise with her. She's now in a class of 8 and her classmates don't want to do play dates. - she's lonely now at age 9 and I see it only getting harder..