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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on this friendship group

30 replies

DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 17:37

I can’t quite work it out! So we are three couples with children. The children all get on brilliantly together. We’ve known each other about 15/20 years.

I’d say the other two couples get on particularly well together.

We tend to take turns organising things, but over the past few years the events I organise I either : get no response, people can’t make it - or if they can, the adults tend to look a bit fed up or bored. The children enjoy it, but the adults not so much.

Maybe I’m not a good host - I do make an effort. And if I’m a guest, I always try to join in and have fun.

I think it’s particularly noticeable if I try and organise something for my children’s birthday. It seems - even if I give a date in advance, people are busy.

However if the other two couple organise an event, responses are enthusiastic and immediate.

I just feel deflated and to stop bothering? Or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
sandrapinchedmysandwich · 30/09/2024 17:39

If it is making you feel upset and rubbish then maybe time to reconsider. Maybe take a step back for a bit and see what happens. This will give you your answer. I am sorry though op. It sounds rubbish for you

jeaux90 · 30/09/2024 17:44

Stop bothering OP it's really not worth doing stuff like this that creates stress for yourself.

I tend to only do social stuff around events now eg public fireworks event for Bonfire night, the fair coming to town etc that way it's not actually me organising anything Grin...if it's crap it's not on me

Original poster
DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 17:44

@sandrapinchedmysandwich

Thank you! Yes, I think I will take a step
back. It recently tried to organise something - made it sound fun, and I know my children/the other children would enjoy it.

One couple think they might be busy, the other didn’t reply. I then offered alternative dates, and no reply. Not even an - I’ll check and get back. This was 5 days ago.

OP posts:
Yelloworangetomato · 30/09/2024 17:46

No reply is simply rude

pikkumyy77 · 30/09/2024 17:47

Drop it. From either end the relationship has run its course.

mrssunshinexxx · 30/09/2024 17:50

It's really difficult when you care more than others it's a hard learning curve ( been there ) but it's time to let this group go just a shame for your kids

hideawayforever · 30/09/2024 17:57

mrssunshinexxx · 30/09/2024 17:50

It's really difficult when you care more than others it's a hard learning curve ( been there ) but it's time to let this group go just a shame for your kids

agree with this, you need to let them go for your own sake, they aren't interested.

Original poster
DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 17:57

Thing is, I’m know the other two couples wouldn’t meet if I back away.

It’s a weird dynamic, almost as if we are needed in some way : to make up the numbers.

But if we host, or it’s our children’s birthdays - everyone is ‘busy’.

I can’t quite work it out!

OP posts:
Original poster
DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 18:02

So it’s basically : anything I arrange, the adults look like they rather be anywhere else.

Anything they arrange : it all goes well.

Could it be my hosting skills??

OP posts:
Original poster
DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 18:04

I wondered if it was a control thing, and if they aren’t in control of the event - they hate it? But then they are very comfortable when either one of the other couples organise…

OP posts:
121Diet · 30/09/2024 18:06

Your five senses work perfectly dint they? You're right. Don't invite them as much and gently fade away

ManhattanPopcorn · 30/09/2024 18:10

Do you think that the events that you organise are perhaps too child centred for 6 adults? The adults really don't need to be at childrens birthdays. What age children are we talking about?

Coatedandbooted · 30/09/2024 18:16

Trust your instincts. They make you feel bad, so just fade them out.

I agree it's not very "logical" the way they are behaving but that's just social group dynamics....you've somehow been put in the position of being socially undesirable.

Once this kind of subtle meanness creeps in it's hard to come back from, for you or for them.

Some people never grow out of childish competitive social dynamics, and get a kick out of feeling superior or setting themselves up as the "in crowd" doing social gatekeeping.

Even if it's an incredibly irrelevant situation. If they're your true friends, they'd be concerned about you feeling hurt, not judging your social skills.

I definitely wouldn't say anything directly, just fade. Don't get sucked back in if they approach you. Just be vague and busy and don't give them any information. Use the time, energy, money towards new goals!

I think many of these intense interactions end up fading out anyway, especially as children grow .

CautiousLurker · 30/09/2024 18:22

I found this happened with my NCT group. We were very close until the 12year mark, then it became clear they had moved on. My kids were at a different school, but we still lived around the corner, yet for some reason I got apathy etc. took me another 5 years (ok, so to this last year) to realise they just didn’t fancy being around me and mine any more but didn’t know how to say it. Was deeply hurt but… fuck ‘em.

Similar with a family whose kids literally lived with us 6-10 weeks a year and came to mine 3 nights a week after school for four years. Single parent, tricky divorce. When I asked (at her mentioning it) whether she could explore alternate working arrangements/less travel with her boss as my eldest was having (serious, life threatening) MH issues, she dropped me. Never heard from the mum again when we went into lock down a few weeks later. Shed more than a few tears over that one too. Not least as I felt she didn’t give a shit about my kids, let alone me.

Sadly I am a little more cynical of people and friendships now, but rely on the handful of really close friends who initiate meeting up as often as I do. Friendship should not be hard work and you should never be made to feel as though you are being tolerated. Drop them and move on.

Harvestfestivalknickers · 30/09/2024 18:24

I'd not follow up again, if either couple gets back to you to see if it's still on, just say no.
I'd stop organising and see if they notice.

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 30/09/2024 18:36

Could you not speak to them about it?

Original poster
DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 18:40

@Coatedandbooted

That’s a great post! Yes - we are the socially undesirable ones. I think myself and DH are often excluded from conversations or overruled. So when we try an host something we are just in the wrong before we even start!

Yet we are ‘needed’ in some way…

Thankfully that dynamic isn’t apparent in the children, they have an amazing friendship and I will be sad to see it fade away.

But yes, I just think I need to move on. But do I just take the social knock for the sake of my children’s friendship?

I’ll give up on suggesting things, and organise birthdays separately. I’m sure I’ll still get invited along - but might start being ‘busy’ too.

OP posts:
Eastie77Returns · 30/09/2024 19:44

From a different perspective, I was/am part of a friendship group with 3 other couples. All similarly aged children apart from one who has slightly younger DC. Her social suggestions tend to be around events that are age appropriate for her DC but not the others or she suggests venues that are easy for her to get to but quite taxing for the rest of us. For example a theatre show for children aged 5+ that would take me an hour to drive to and my 11 year old would not be remotely interested in. The take up on the last few things she suggested was quite lukewarm (I went to one but not a few others) and recently she made it clear she was annoyed with making all the effort and has now left our chat group.

I’m not saying any of this applies to you OP but sometimes when life is busy and you have limited scope to do social stuff you tend to just want easy options and it might be that they think your activities require too much effort. They do sound rude though and would agree that it’s worth just backing off and leave them to it.

AssessmentI · 30/09/2024 20:15

Could you just organise a get together for the kids, rather than kids and adults?

Fairysteps11 · 30/09/2024 20:21

Invite kids to birthday parties only, and make sure adults know it is a drop and go party. Make sure you're more busy 😊

Original poster
DinniSpider · 30/09/2024 20:39

@Eastie77Returns

Yes, I have tried to work out what the issue is. I don’t know if I possibly come across as a bit over anxious or try hard. I usually have some games for the kids that they go off and do by themselves, and then food/drinks for adults. This is at our house. And then parties are no further than the other couples parties, and age appropriate.

I don’t think we plan anything vastly different.

But DH remarked a few weeks ago : I’d made a dessert. When we came back, he’d noticed that the two other couples didn’t want any or even give it a try, so I basically brought most of it back.

Yet - had either other couple done similar, they’d have been eating/enthusiastic about it.
It feels almost like a deliberate attempt to sideline me/us.

OP posts:
Maria1979 · 30/09/2024 21:07

Life is too short for "friendshits". Move on and invite other nice people..

Rosiecidar · 01/10/2024 08:08

Just from reading your posts it sounds as though these events are quite children focused even though you have said you have known each other 15-20 years. I wonder if you actually have much in common other than children or if that also becomes a topic of conversation? I wouldn't bother with arranging things etc, it maybe that you and your friends just don't work as a group anymore.

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2024 12:33

Refusing to eat and make a polite fuss over the dessert is a pretty serious sign that, for whatever reason, they are treating you like a pariah. Or they would like to! Not making that social gesture is refusing to engage in social grooming behavior (the kind apes do) when they just sit around and pick nits off each other. They are annoyed to be with you and signaling that with their rudeness.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2024 12:35

Stop bothering with them amd make some new friends. They are not worth the effort.

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