Are you envious of high achievers from school?

[Pureshores499]

When you hear about others you went to school with, their achievements, how successful they are etc, do you ever feel like you underachieved and haven't done much with your life?

I'm happy for them! But some were just very Joe average at school, yet have clearly applied themselves and are now living mostly in London, with fabulous jobs, speaking multiple languages, instagram full of them doing speeches at functions. They seem well travelled, glamorous. ..meanwhile I'm still living in my home town doing an average admin job. Obviously this is my own doing, but I'm almost 50 so it's feeling like a time of reflection, wondering where my younger life went, if I should have 'done more'. I have a lovely home and marriage, good friends etc, but there is a level of envy in those who 'got away' and lived a more full life. If I met these old school classmates irl I'd be embarrassed with my run of the mill life.
Am I having a midlife crisis? 😂

Oh yes. I was the high achiever academically but I have not done well with life and my partner had a v average income (seems sometimes some of the school mum friends are living off their partners income!). I'm really gutted as I did it all "right", didn't go spending lots, go travelling or anything but I've not fallen into a high paid career as I followed the mantra "do what you're interested in" then like many teachers, left teaching...

Id love to do it again differently...

But I haven't voted as I know full well you and I being unreasonable...

Social media is a highlights reel. You're only seeing the bits of their lives that they want to highlight and show off. They could feel happy and content, or they could feel stressed and trapped in a set of golden handcuffs trying to maintain a lifestyle they don't enjoy but feel that they need to maintain so as not to disappoint their family/friends/colleagues.

They might be looking at you and wishing that they had a life among family and friends and familiar surroundings - not in the rat race of money and status.

It's so hard to tell from social media, I honestly would stop looking at these people's feeds unless you know them in real life to know what their actual experiences are because otherwise you're just seeing the braggy bits without the reality behind it.

Comparison truly is the thief of joy and all that - mute them and live a happy contented life!

We all make different choices. I was very average for my grammar school.

I took a degree at a poly while most people went to red bricks or Oxbridge. Yet at a school reunion recently, very few of the school high fliers have continued, apart from one who is an opthalmic surgeon and one who is CEO of a public company.

It is the mediocre ones who have travelled and built companies. Maybe they had more to prove or their need to escape was greater. Maybe they were focused on the money right from an early age.

But if you are happy, does it matter?

No because I don’t know what any of them are doing. I know I’m not a career very high achiever but I place value on other things that are going well in my life. It would be a bad idea for me to follow other people’s life trajectorys if I wasn’t actually friends with them because that would bring in a degree of competition.

I'm probably academically quite 'high achieving' but it doesn't define who I am. Celebrate all your victories and successes, no matter how small.

I'm probably what you'd describe as a high flyer. City lawyer bla bla bla. Now living a rural middle class idyllic lifestyle with healthy happy kids who go to museums at the weekend.

I'm actually knackered to within an inch of my life. I left my city job when my female boss told me it wasn't fair for the rest of the team to "pick up my slack" when I dared to take maternity leave.

I've often gone home to visit my parents where house prices are about ten times less than they are in suburbia and seen old school colleagues living in spacious 4 bedroom houses even though they work 9-3pm around the kids in a vaguely admin-based job. They are not stressed. They have time to get their hair cut. They have a support network of family around them.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I was a high achiever. I actually did really well in life, master’s, PhD, good career (though I’m retraining and making a career change now in my 40s), nice house and lifestyle. I did work hard, was working and studying when all my peers were out drinking and drugging in our early 20s, but frankly a lot of it is down to parental financial support. If my parents hadn’t been able to afford to support me in my 20s, when I had no income, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It’s not so much because I was just a ‘high achiever’.

Of my peers in school though who were also high achievers, one went off the rails and got married at like 20 and dropped out of uni (she did go back and is doing well now, but was a car crash). One did a PhD like me but then became a SAHM. One never launched, lived at home a long time, no kids, no partner, doesn’t really work much, spends a lot of time crocheting by the looks of it.

The ones who have done really well were hard working rather than high achieving. To a degree, I think the focus on academics means a lot of young people are unprepared for the challenges of real life.

Resilience and ambition are the attributes that lead to financial success.

I think a lot of straight A students that lack these attributes get a shock when they enter the real world and realise that they can't cruise through life like they cruised through school.

The opposite. I went to a dreadful school, where the most we were expected to achieve (aside from a handful of shell-shocked kids from the villages) was a job at the local factory. I'm genuinely pleased that anyone who went there achieved anything.

I am older than you and honestly, no. You have a lovely marriage, friends and home. Appreciate what you have. There is always something that could have been better attended to that you could choose to beat yourself up about!

One of my oldest friends died suddenly and unexpectedly a few weeks ago. Yes she was a career high flyer and living in London, but what does that really mean in the wider scheme of things?

Oh yes! I feel like a complete failure. I was the kid who was very academic across the board, very sporty, very musical. People told me I could be anything I wanted to be. But that’s not what gets you everything. I don’t have amazing people skills, I’m not massively creative, I’m not really a problem solver and my emotional regulation is not the best. I was then dealt an unlucky hand in terms of disability and illness in myself and my children and am now a SAHM/carer and will be for the foreseeable future. I feel like I’ve never really had a career, just a job for a few years and wonder what all those years at school and university were really for, given that I’m just a servant to my kids’ needs most of the time. But I’ve made my life reasonably okay and I don’t know that I hanker after a high flying job any more.

The vast majority of my classmates still live in the town we went to school in, have nice lives, but not the sort of life I wanted,

Those of us who 'got out' one is a true high flyer, big city job, millions in bonuses sort of life. And I'm not jealous, I know what it took to get there and the level of stress he'd have been under.
And that sort of job is infinitely harder for women.

The rest of us are doing well in a fairly average way, our lives seem glamorous to some of our old classmates but I doubt they'd want swap.

Same! I think responses to this would be very much depend on the area you’re from and the type of school you went to. We were all poor and went to a low aspirations school. We have one self made multi millionaire who’s also a bit of a media personality. We are all thrilled for her. It was apparent even when we were kids that she was completely different- very mature and entrepreneurial, a true one off. It’s lovely to see one of our own completely change her fortunes and that of her offspring.

I do live a stress free life, have lots of 'me' time, lovely home, fab DH, so maybe I am very lucky and needed these replies to remind me of that! I guess success is a trade off. A lot of dedication and probably stress, not much time for yourself etc, which I have in abundance as I'm part time now. So, thankyou for putting things in perspective for me. Short lived Midlife crisis over 😂

Ah well done! I live with a lot of stress, house too small for our needs, really the opposite of lovely.

So I think of people in your position as the ones that have "made it!".

I feel so unlucky with the lottery of life.

See I don't hanker after "high flying" it's just I'm looking at jobs on 25k - 33k and really need more than that to manage and no idea of how to get there currently. Even these jobs require professional qualifications and experience. I'm just in the wrong game.

DH and I worked in Higher education so never earned as much as we could elsewhere but we loved it. The highest achieved financially I know from school is a very dear friend who by her own admission is not a genius. She is an all round lovely human being and ended up marrying mega wealthy. I do know the highest academic achiever at my school works for NATO which is impressive. My ex from sixth form is a multi millionaire as he invented a tech product, still loves himself a bit too much according to a mutual mate.

I am in my late fifties and it’s honestly who you share your life with, the rest is just window dressing. I am delighted that I have a long happy marriage to a man who sings to horses in fields to cheer them up. He really is a lovely person.

it'd be a bit odd not to occasionally feel the odd twinge of envy towards those of your past contemporaries whose achievements have hugely outstripped yours, just as it'd be a bit odd to make a really big deal of it/to let it really consume you.

I know I'm a complete failure to a certain extent. Private education, lots of quals, big 'fancy' job by the age of 30 travelling the world UK board level. Now 50, earning peanuts and wondering sometimes where the hell it all went wrong!

BUT I'm happy.

I do twinge sometimes when I see insta posts. Lots of my old school friends are living the high life - fancy holidays, red carpet events for two of them, constant trips to The Ivy etc etc. I'm lucky if I get a coffee at Greggs.

It is what it is.

Yes sometimes. But then again - a lot of them are stressed and burned out.

I think it depends on what you mean by high achievement. I ended up as an academic in London - which was my goal when I was 18 but I also earn a lot less than a lot of people from school. Does that mean that I achieved less than them? Or did we just want different things.

I was an academic high flyer and did lots of academic qualifications, have travelled, had a city job but now work in HE. I don't really know any super high flyers from school, but I do know a lot that have more money than me because they married high achieving husbands, which I did not (mine is an average achiever!) So they do have much easier lives than me and I do envy that. My school best friend has only ever worked part time as a school receptionist (despite having a degree etc), but has big house, fancy car, kids in private school, lots of holidays and retired before 50. My sister is similar. I have to work full time whereas some of them don't work at all and the rest are all part time. So I am probably technically a higher achiever career-wise but have less money and a more stressful life.

I’m very happy with my quiet life and wouldn’t want the pressure of a high flying career. I’ve got no desire to live in a big city and what I want in life, I have - my children and dogs. So I feel very lucky and not envious.

I feel envious of a few people from school and Uni, some who have much better paid or more interacting jobs than me. Some who have been able travel allot.

One person I’m most envious off did poorly in school didn’t go to Uni but met a wealthy man in early 20’s, now has a gorgeous home four holidays a year and doesn’t work, cares for the children full time. Makes me wonder why I bothered getting my degrees 😭

I had quite a difficult upbringing/ family life though so I think I’ve done well considering that.

No, because none of those things mean you're successful or happy.