To be terrified to live alone

[scaredofmyownshadows]

I'm not really sure how to word this without sounding dramatic.

I have always lived with my parents up until the age of 28 when I got married and then obviously have lived with my husband and now our children, we live in a house with over a half acre of gardens with hedges all around in a pretty busy area of our city, I have two children under the age of 3 one of which has a help issue and has to be monitored 24/7.

The thing is DH has to go away for a couple of nights and I'm really scared to be on my own. I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't help it. I don't have anxiety or such about other things but I just hate the idea that someone might be creeping about the garden looking in the windows. I don't have any family or friends nearby as we have only been here a short while, closest family is 2 hours away.

Im really frightened that something might happened to one of the DC and nobody there to help. Please reassure me everything will be fine. I'm just so anxious about it and my husband knows this, he had to go and there's no way out of it.

Ok a different type of response to the slightly dismissive “you’ll be fine” response you’ve got so far…. I TOTALLY understand, I have never once in my life enjoyed any nights alone, hotels , home etc. I absolutely have anxiety yes and I also appreciate its irrational however I do know exactly how you feel. However life happens and my husband goes away every 6-8weeks for 3/4 nights at a time and I just have to get through it as can rarely get anyone to stay over( no family near by). Things that help me cope..1- acknowledge that il be uncomfortable and recognise the feelings of worry/ anxiety. 2. Close all curtains and lock doors before it is dark, same for putting out bin etc. don’t wait until it’s dark.
3.in the evening usually once I bring the kids up to bed I stay upstairs and not downstairs again.
4.Leave several lights on in house overnight.
5.to help me get to sleep I run a playlist from Amazon music and set it to 2hrs. Start it again when i wake in the night ( of course I always do!) .
6.Next one makes me sound bonkers howver it helps me…bring a kettle full of water into my bedroom at bedtime and plug it in, then if I heard anything I’d switch it on so even IF someone broke in they wouldn’t get up the stairs to me or children as I’d scald them. Bleak but true..
7.When the panic comes I try to rationalise those thoughts… ie. How likely is that sound I’ve just heard from a burglar or a random animal .
had a ring bell for a be very short time as honestly that made me feel worse and if it had gone off I’d probably have had a heart attack.
for all the people who think how can you be a grown adult and feel this way etc etc I’m perfectly functioning day to day my anxiety is not life impacting too much but being in the house alone at night is a real trigger, not everyone can feel fine with all situations.
I also usually let the kids know they can join me in bed and that helps if I wake in night and they are beside me. You’ll all get through this, might not be that pleasant a few days but you can cope and you will cope!

At three years old 😂😂

I used to feel this way every night until I got our latest (rescue) German Shepherd. Obviously not for everyone (they're very neurotic and need a lot of exercise and stimulation) but lovely dogs if you have the time/knowledge/understanding.

@DogsandFlowers 3 year olds can call 999, it's never too early to talk about it

Most burglaries are opportunistic, they aren’t scoped out and planned. That only seems to happens to the super rich.

Things that deter burglars:

-Having stones outside entry point/windows. You can hear
-Being friendly and close with neighbours, they always keep an eye out, so make sure your neighbours have a viewpoint of your property. Being hidden behind large trees and hedges will hide anyone trying to break in.
-Lights on in the house
-Generally well maintained house but not flashy

For being own with kids.
—pack a bag for the car in case you have a late bright trip to A&E etc. Phone charger, kids snacks, nappies, wipes, toys, blanket, water
-Arrange with another what happens in an emergency. Eg, who you call to come round to the house to babysit while you go to the hospital. Arrange before hand what happens
-Make sure you always have half a tank of petrol etc
-Have a small amount of emergency cash
-Make sure your husband calls at night and again in the morning, just to check everything is fine. A text will do.
-have a list of emergency numbers in your phone. Who to call for heating, water, car recovery etc

It’s just a case of getting used to it. Youre needlessly panicking when you could be taking practical steps to make life a little easier and make you all feel a bit safer. You’ll soon come to enjoy having the house to yourself!

Pre DD when DH was away I used to camp it on the sofa all night with the tv on which helped. Now we have a mummy sleepover in my bed which she loves, and I'm fine.

If it's really getting to you though, how about having a sleepover in a family room at a premier inn type place? Much cheaper than hiring your own security guard surely!

Blimey. I've never lived alone either, married from home like you OP. But it never occurred to me to be scared of burglars when dh is away.

If they're coming, they're coming whether he's home or not.

But they're not coming.

Perhaps talk to us on Mumsnet if you can't sleep. There's always someone awake 😁

I was in a similar situation.
Ihad my son when i was a 17 and we lived with my parents until I was 25 when I married my DH.
I shared a room as a child , then I shared with my son, then my DH. I've honestly never had my own room.

I have 2 major memories.

My DH was away with work and our son was at uni and it was literally the first time I'd ever spent alone in a house, ever! I was 36! It was really unnerving and it did take a while to fall asleep. I made sure my phone was charged and at my bedside and I did leave the landing light on.

The second was when our son was about 9 and my DH took very ill over night and I realised I WAS the adult. I didn't have anyone to help in the house, to make the decisions without worrying that i was overreacting. It was scary.

The initial time is scary because you've not dealt with it before, after that first day, you know you can do it.

Incase of worrying about being broken in to, burglars want in and out quick and rarely overnight . However leave your bag, car keys downstairs as that means they don't have to look around for stuff.

If you can't sleep there's always someone on here . Send a message in!

My DH has always worked away and although I occasionally spooked myself in the early days about noises etc I then got used to it and now love having the bed and remote to myself 😂 I think you have to expect to feel a bit anxious but you will cope - make sure house is locked up early and remember that the chances of anything bad happening are really vanishingly small. I always felt I had to be brave for my little ones and that I would fight to the death to keep them safe - that made me feel stronger and braver! You've got this OP, you will be ok and it will get easier the more you do it.

After I was widowed I left lamps on downstairs so potential burglars wouldn't know when I'd gone to bed. It helped.

Stupid question OP but how many times has someone broken in and murdered you over the last 30+ years since you were born?

I'm presuming the answer is 0. Given that, what are the odds someone will happen to do it on the very few nights your home alone?

I'm being glib, I know. But it's not your husband's presence that's kept away the scary over the last X number of years. It's the fact it's a highly unlikely occurrence. Those odds don't change just because your husband isn't there for a few days.

My husband has always worked away Mon to Fri. When we first moved in together I was only 20 and I was terrified. I remember being in the bath once and I’d locked all the doors but I was certain I could hear someone downstairs. Above the bathroom door there was a section of glass. I got out of the bath and tried to stand on the towel rail that was attached to the wall to look through it to see if I could see anyone. Of course the towel rail came off the wall,fell to the floor and I followed it! Luckily I wasn’t hurt but felt like a right idiot when I had to explain where the towel rail was and why there were tiles missing! It’s now 30 years later and nothing has ever happened in all those nights alone. It actually has many benefits like having the remote to yourself and being able to fart and not feel self conscious! Sometimes I worry that I won’t cope with him being here constantly when he retires!
On a more serious note though I do completely understand how you feel but I promise you’ll be ok. If you do get anxious when he’s away,come on here and chat to us. Best wishes to you

I feel similar and I did live alone for three years!

I think it's just feeling use to someone being there.

Before he goes make sure windows, garage gates etc are locked. I would plan a busy day with kids to tire you all out. When you get home lock doors, check rooms. Shut any doors of rooms you won't use . Close curtains. Do normal routines then try to distract yourself with tv/phone. I'd have landing light on for bed and assume you won't sleep Brilliantly .

The fart comment gave me good laugh! Thanks for your reply x

Thanks for all the replies, I managed perfectly fine after all. The old brain overthinks too much these days x