To think this isn’t ok in a marriage?

[Greeal]

DH left his phone open on WhatsApp to a woman he used to go to school with (now late thirties). The phone must have slipped from his pocket as he got out of the car when going into the shop. I glanced over and saw his last message which said ‘your profile pic is hot ;) .’

The messages prior were him saying he had seen her yesterday in town but she hadn’t seen him. She said oh sorry she hadn’t seen him. He then made the comment about her profile picture being hot. She hadn’t replied.

I don’t think this is ok but we have two kids under three and I am very stressed at the moment and wonder if maybe I am being dramatic? No evidence or suspicion of anything before so this has totally taken me by surprise. He often leaves his phone around and clearly wasn’t worried about keeping tabs on it either. If confronted I think he would apologise profusely and expect that to be the end of it. I feel angry/upset.

I don’t think that’s acceptable. It’s flirtatious behaviour and he should be more considerate of you and the children.

He’s hoping she reciprocates and he can take things further.

Not acceptable. You have every right to feel hurt.

If this in itself is an isolated incident, it's probably something I could move past.

However I would be VERY clear on the fact that some trust has been permanently lost and that I absolutely will not tolerate any kind of behaviour like this again.

Make him panic a bit. Twattish behaviour.

Just tell him you've seen what he's up to, and if he persists in contacting other women, flirting and telling them they look 'hot', the relationship will be over. Assuming of course, that it would be if he continues to act like he's single.

In what world, kids or no kids, would calling another woman hot to her face when in a relationship be acceptable?

Why is your confidence so low that you're thinking you may be overreacting?

That's the kind of thing you can think but never say. Sounds like your husband was trying it on with her, seeing where it ends up. I bet that's not the first time.

Faithful husbands don’t message old school friends and tell them they look hot. They share updates about their life, pictures of their family and pets, that kind of thing.

He may not have crossed the line into action yet, but he’s clearly seeking female validation elsewhere, after which it’s easy to slide into an affair.

So yes, I would sit down and talk to him about this. Be clear what you saw and how that came to happen, and ask him how he would feel if he had found the equivalent in those circumstances. Would he be happy you were telling other guys they look hot?

There is no need to accuse him of going further, but I think it is fair to say to him that you understand that with 2 kids under 3, you have less time for each other, and ask to work with him on finding more space for your relationship and rekindling things, if that’s what you want.

Obviously, this is assuming that the relationship is otherwise good and that he’s a decent partner to you, rather than this being the latest in a line of uncaring behaviours that have led to you being exhausted and stressed because he’s not pulling his weight around the house and you’re trying to juggle everything by yourself.

I found similar on my stbxhs phone and he slept at his parents for a few days. It is so disrespectful and hurtful. I wish I'd done more digging at the time because in our case it was the tip of the iceberg so I'd say nothing right now and do more digging. It's unlikely this is the first time he's done something like that.

Make sure you have good support around you and make sure you remember that this is not a you problem- this is all on him. Please don't feel like you need to settle just because you have children.

What a prick. I’m sorry op this is cheating talk.

He should be focussed on his family not on flirting with old school friends. I’m angry and sad for you.

Of course it's not ok -

And yes. I have been there. My DH had been seeking an ego boost and hadn’t thought through the consequences. We’re still together because I knew he’d had no chance to act on anything, and recognised it was a symptom of an issue between us that we could try to resolve.

He cut all contact with the other person and we worked out how to create time for each other. I won’t lie. It hurt a lot, not least because he had asked me to look in his email for something and I had found the dodgy email exchange without ever suspecting. It was like getting punched in the gut.

But we only made it work because he had the grace to realise and admit he’d behaved like a twat and didn’t want to blow up our marriage. Otherwise…

He's sniffing around her.
Sorry OP.
I would be seriously unimpressed and trust would definitely be damaged.
Not acceptable behaviour.

No way - that's out of order. And the winky face at the end of it - that's pure flirtatious. At least the woman didn't answer but still. Would he text that to a guy friend? Doubt it. I would ask him what he is expecting to come of that dialogue. Sorry but its a completely dick move.

Kids or no kids op, you know this is not ok. Would he he want you to be sending messages to some bloke you used to go to school with telling him he is “hot”? The answer, whether your dick of a dh wants to admit it or not is a resounding NO.
He is looking for validation and a boost of his sad little ego in places he really shouldn’t. Pull him on this NOW. He has not embarrassed you (this has literally nothing to do with you) but he HAS embarrassed himself. He sorts his shit out or he fucks off far away from you, with no option to return. Ever. His choice. But mean it op. Do not stand for this shite!

My husband’s belongings would be in a bag on the doorstep if he did anything like this.

Sorry, but this ‘they want the ego boost but just don’t think of the consequences’ rhetoric is absolute bollocks. It’s fundamentally unacceptable and there is no excuse – ego boost or anything else. Your bar is way too low if you try to excuse this away.

Nope. Not ok

Sometimes I find other women's reactions quite strong on aibu but you're massively downplaying this OP! This is also such a loser thing to do, is he 14 or something? Poor woman, looks like she wants nothing to do with his messages. I would be furious but more importantly would lose quite a lot of respect for him.
Just tell him you saw it and that it is unacceptable.

He’s hitting on her op. Cmon you’re a grown up. When a man texts you that, do you think he’s making polite conversation or hitting on you?

This is not okay. She hasn't replied but the next woman might and where will that lead? Clearly given the right opportunity he would be up to all sorts. He needs to put some work into the realtionship he has.

Nah, that's a man sniffing around for sexting at best, full blown affair at worst - and so casually I'd suspect he'd done it before. Sorry, op.

He was testing the waters, and hoping she would reciprocate. You do realise this would have ended up in a full blown affair, had she had replied and been up for it. Don't be naive here. I would be wondering whether it's the first time he's messaged things of such nature to another woman. I'd be kicking my husband out for this.

Not ok at all.

Completely unacceptable

To me, that’s an obvious fishing line chucked out. He’s seeing if he catches anything. I’d be furious.

He's a creep.