Husbands drunk on holiday...

[Unknown987]

So DH booked a suprise holiday for 40th to a very romantic destination...
Has a horrible history with alcohol. I don't drink and he knows how much I hate his drink. Don't realise how bad it was until after marriage...

I ignore he drinks with friends/cousins as it's out of my face but drinking with me and kids is a no go.
he has been drinking on holiday and when I have asked him not to he always comes back with I'm a grown adult you can't tell me what to do. Which is true but it's respect for your partner. but today he drank beer after beer and is now soo pissed I don't recognise him I can't reason with him. His eyes are bloodshot, he's changed our evening plans and won't communicate with me as he's not in his full senses. He has left the resort alone and has said he knows not to do nice holidays with me in future and will only stick to family ones.
I have asked him to come to the room and sleep it off at least talk to me but he won't. He's gone for dinner and I said I wish I was at home and he said so do I (wish I wasn't there). So I came back to the room and he left.
im so hurt I'm crying.
what now?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP, and no, you're not boring, HE IS! How boring is it to have to spend time with someone who get's pissed at the slightest opportunity. I find people who can't have fun, and a good time without needing alcohol, really sad, and I certainly wouldn't want to be married to your husband with his sort of attitude to drink. It's such a shame he didn't show this side of himself before he married you, but then, having lost his first wife due to his drinking, I guess it's not that surprising that he managed to hide his drinking until he'd got you trapped. In your shoes, and with the past history that you've alluded to, I'd be getting myself another room for the night, assuming it's affordable, otherwise I'd probably lock him out and make him sleep it off, wherever he can find. I'd then make my own plans to get to the airport tomorrow, and if at all possible wouldn't be sitting next to him on the plane. Then it would be off to a solicitor a.s.a.p. I'm SO sorry you find yourself in this position OP.

Yes - this.

And 8 plus beers is a lot.

To be fair, he started off sounding like a guy who likes a drink but his wife won’t let him, so he goes a bit mad when he gets a chance.

As the thread has gone on the extent of his drinking has become clearer and it’s become obvious is an alcoholic.

Maybe the problem is that heavy drinking is so normalised in many parts of British culture that the difference between an alcoholic who binges and someone ‘having a big night’ isn’t obvious?

OP, remember the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control or Cure it. It's not your job to fix him. All you can do is protect yourself and your children from the inevitable fall out.

I would get home without discussing it, then get yourself to an AlAnon meeting and get some support for yourself. This is about you, and not him. Be strong.

I got ravenous when I’m really pissed. I will binge eat if i get drunk.

Can you video or record the way he speaks to you when pissed and show him next week why that’s so horrible to you?

That he still chose to drink, on an occasion that was special to you, when you have been clear how you feel about it, shows you where his priorities are, and sadly he's chosen drink over you.

A bit giggly, slurring and annoying is how my OH and many men would be after 8 beers! For a lot of people (eg the wives and girlfriends of his 'pub mates') this would be 'normal' to be drunk like this on occasion. There is absolutely no point in trying to argue or reason with a drunk, it will only escalate and piss you off further, as you have discovered. If I had pmt and a ruined weekend away I'd find it very hard to bite my tongue though 🤬

@StormingNorman yes, agreed. In OP's case a bit more information in the first post might have helped more people understand.

Leave. He won’t change, he loves being drunk more than he loves you.

What’s the point? Doing this to an alcoholic will just trigger the shame (of which there is a deep well), which will in turn trigger anger and make him want to drink more.

Theres only one way to deal with this: leave.

Have you never been drunk ? Alcohol can make you ravenous

Please stop with the 'he can't be that drunk if he can eat/text etc comments. This is a man who can down a bottle of whisky in a day. His alcohol tolerance is high.

Can relate to this. I don’t like my DH when he’s drunk either. And it affects his mental health terribly too, which impacts on me.

Sorry OP this is such a rubbish thing for him to do to you.

8 pints isn't that much ?? I think your relationship with alcohol may be different to mine and everyone else that I know.

Don’t try to reason or talk with him when he’s drunk. Ime they escalate it into an argument.
He has a problem with alcohol, possibly alcoholism and you’ll never win with an alcoholic.
I’d tell him he engages fully with AA or he leaves.
Support for you is available at Al-Anon.

Good grief. Have you RTFT?

Punjabi Sikh by any chance? The drinking is generational.

You poor lady. You must be so miserable.
Now youv got to ask yourself can you spend the rest of your life this way ?
You deserve better .you deserve to have peace .
I hope you can make decision to change things.
Be brave girlie..mumsneters are always here

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ Click through, and have a read. I'm not an expert on the site, but they are there to help you and give you advice, and you know you can come back here and discuss anything that either rings bells for you or is NOT your experience. Either way it should help to give you some clarity about what you are dealing with, and how others have coped and are coping. Hugs and good thoughts winging their way to you x

He is a binge drinker and unless he wants to change, life will be difficult for you. Al-Anon runs self-help group meetings for partners, families and friends of problem drinkers, whether they are still drinking or not.

He just hasn't grown up, has he? Most men realise by their 30s that getting totally out of their skulls on drink is neither big nor clever.

Did you not have conversations about why his first marriage failed?

Please get support from Al-Anon and leave him as your husband is an alcoholic who will keep choosing alcohol over you and his children.

You can’t change him and he will only get worse the longer you keep letting him pretend it’s all ok when he’s sobered up.

He’s an alcoholic. I would destroy his passport and let him stew there whilst you come home alone and change the locks!

That sounds very difficult @Unknown987 I don’t drink much either but that’s because I didn’t really like the taste of alcohol until I was about 30 (my siblings were similar). And I only drink an occasional wine when eating out with others. So as someone who is not used to drunken behaviour I would find that situation impossible and worrying for the kids, since there is quite a lot of material now about the impact of having an alcoholic parent.

I think the one thing other posters may not appreciate is that your religious values of not drinking is important to you and you had been under the impression that he shared the same beliefs, since he was part of the same religion. If you are hoping that your children also one day take on the same religious beliefs his drunkenness makes it complicated, as the children will rightly see it as inconsistent hypocrisy.

As alcoholism isn’t something you can fix, I would look for a support group and start prioritising your own wellbeing. Looking at the text replies and his behaviour toward you, alcohol has changed him so much that he doesn’t care.