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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands drunk on holiday...

393 replies

Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 16:19

So DH booked a suprise holiday for 40th to a very romantic destination...
Has a horrible history with alcohol. I don't drink and he knows how much I hate his drink. Don't realise how bad it was until after marriage...

I ignore he drinks with friends/cousins as it's out of my face but drinking with me and kids is a no go.
he has been drinking on holiday and when I have asked him not to he always comes back with I'm a grown adult you can't tell me what to do. Which is true but it's respect for your partner. but today he drank beer after beer and is now soo pissed I don't recognise him I can't reason with him. His eyes are bloodshot, he's changed our evening plans and won't communicate with me as he's not in his full senses. He has left the resort alone and has said he knows not to do nice holidays with me in future and will only stick to family ones.
I have asked him to come to the room and sleep it off at least talk to me but he won't. He's gone for dinner and I said I wish I was at home and he said so do I (wish I wasn't there). So I came back to the room and he left.
im so hurt I'm crying.
what now?

OP posts:
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7
GROMIT50 · 30/09/2024 18:29

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IOSTT · 30/09/2024 18:32

He has an alcohol problem. He does not see and will not admit he has a problem with alcohol. Therefore there is zero chance of him currently giving up his alcohol. Until he admits he has a problem and starts to get help, nothing with him will change.

Witchbitch20 · 30/09/2024 18:38

Leave him; get custody of the children.

Clearly you married an alcoholic who has relapsed. How often do you want to put yourself or children through this?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/09/2024 18:39

It doesn't matter how much he drinks. It doesn't matter how often he drinks. What matters is how drink makes him behave and it makes him behave like a dick. He either chooses to continue to drink - however infrequently - and continue to be a dick to OP, her kids, his friends, whoever else is around, or he chooses not to drink at all and to be a decent husband.

Frequency of drinking is NOT the issue, it's his behaviour that is.

HowardTJMoon · 30/09/2024 18:41

Unknown987 · 30/09/2024 10:34

He was clearly not in his right state of mind. Drunk or not 8 beers in less than 3 hours is concerning. Especially when you become unrecognisable

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Another thing to consider is that you saw him drink eight beers. That doesn't mean that was all that he drank. Alcoholics are unbelievably talented at secret drinking.

MidnightBlossom · 30/09/2024 18:41

OP apologies if I have missed this, but what about your own family? If you were to leave him, would you get support and help from them?

If drinking is not usually culturally acceptable, your family would presumably sympathise with you not wanting to stay in a marriage with a man who is a binge drinker?

Original poster
Unknown987 · 30/09/2024 18:43

MidnightBlossom · 30/09/2024 18:41

OP apologies if I have missed this, but what about your own family? If you were to leave him, would you get support and help from them?

If drinking is not usually culturally acceptable, your family would presumably sympathise with you not wanting to stay in a marriage with a man who is a binge drinker?

My family took a massive step back when Inleft my first husband as they think I should have stayed with him.

OP posts:
Patienceinshortsupply · 30/09/2024 18:44

Just one thing, OP, this is on HIM to sort and not you. Don't book appointments, find support for him. You coldly and calmly need to make a get out plan, and put yourself and the children first. You cannot fix this. Only he can.

MidnightBlossom · 30/09/2024 18:45

Unknown987 · 30/09/2024 18:43

My family took a massive step back when Inleft my first husband as they think I should have stayed with him.

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I'm so sorry OP, it must be very stressful trying to navigate this without your own family's support. You were very brave to leave an abusive man, and you'll be brave again if you decide you need to leave this marriage.

Do you work and are you financially independent? The first step is to try and give yourself options - if you have money coming in, then childcare should be an option if you do have to parent solo.

Original poster
Unknown987 · 30/09/2024 18:47

MidnightBlossom · 30/09/2024 18:45

I'm so sorry OP, it must be very stressful trying to navigate this without your own family's support. You were very brave to leave an abusive man, and you'll be brave again if you decide you need to leave this marriage.

Do you work and are you financially independent? The first step is to try and give yourself options - if you have money coming in, then childcare should be an option if you do have to parent solo.

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Yes u own my own home and have a successful career. Childcare is not an issue it's the love and support they offer my children I don't want them to lose

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 30/09/2024 18:47

Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 16:26

I miss my kids and hate how he sees nothing wrong with what he's done. Like why?

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He sees nothing wrong with what he’s done because he’s drunk.
Drunks aren’t logical.
Drunks are mean.
I’m very sorry.
Take the other’s advise - get yourself a room and something to eat. You’ll feel better.
And he’ll feel sheepish when he sobers up.
Maybe it’s time for a “come to Jesus” discussion when you get back home.
Sending love.

MildredSauce · 30/09/2024 18:47

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excuse me?

reported.

HonoraBridge · 30/09/2024 18:48

Unknown987 · 29/09/2024 16:28

I think nearer 8

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Sorry to say this but, bearing in mind his history with alcohol, he must have had A LOT more than 8 beers to get into the state you described. He must have been drinking spirits heavily too. You know that you are married to an alcoholic and you need to decide if that is the life you want. Sorry to be blunt. Sending you hugs and warm wishes. This is so horrible.

TypingoftheDead · 30/09/2024 18:50

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The only person it’s a nightmare for is the OP herself. He’s an alcoholic, not just someone having a few beers on holiday (which might not be a concern for OP, or at least less of one - she did state they’re both from a culture and religion where you’re not meant to drink alcohol).

laraitopbanana · 30/09/2024 18:50

Hi op,

how is he at work? It sounds to he that he has pressure that he relieves that way (not a good one) every number of months?
firstly, that is no life for you and kids so you need to put a boundary there which as he is a grown up ass, he should know to respect. He can’t disappear for days as not able to stay at home.
But also, if there is something else going on you should adress that as the reason why he gets on drinking knowing how it will end…

MidnightBlossom · 30/09/2024 18:51

Unknown987 · 30/09/2024 18:47

Yes u own my own home and have a successful career. Childcare is not an issue it's the love and support they offer my children I don't want them to lose

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Your own home and career is brilliant - you and your children are protected if you do separate.

It may be that if you do split, the ILs may choose to still see the children - and continue to provide their love and support - when the children spend time with their Dad.

But if the worst comes to the worst and the ILs decide to cut ties entirely, then I would try and see them as people who were never reliable or worth your children's time, as their love was only ever conditional. Which is not the behaviour of nice people - and not people that you would want to remain in your children's lives.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/09/2024 18:51

It is hard living with an alcoholic

You have to leave for own sanity

And kids

The poster @walrus ( sorry can't quote a quote on app) who said she was an Alcoholic - said some very true words

About not how much they drink but the consequences of what they drink

It is an illness but you cant help them

Only they can choose to stop drinking

And many don't till they hit rock bottom

And sadly even if do hit rock bottom they still drink

Daleksatemyshed · 30/09/2024 18:57

You thought this would be a romantic holiday for two, I bet he thought if the DC weren't there to see it didn't matter how much he drank. He's a hypocrite Op, secretly drinking when he knows your religion forbids it and trying to get you to join in so that he feels better about himself.

Messedupabit · 30/09/2024 18:57

Op, from experience, only give him one chance to choose. The second alcohol wins walk away

TulipinUK · 30/09/2024 19:06

Exactly this!!

TulipinUK · 30/09/2024 19:17

Many of us thought they will change, this is the last time I promise, will never happen again etc etc. And then it happens again, sometimes months later. And you will NEVER trust him. Always in the back of your mind, you will be always be on guard and never feel peaceful. It isn’t worth it I promise. Unless he decides he is going to sort himself out and admits he has a problem. I told mine to quit or leave. He chose to quit and it takes years to get the trust back.

GreyhoundLurcher · 30/09/2024 19:20

I am an alcoholic and I recognise a fellow alcoholic. You cannot help him. He needs to help himself. I wish you both health and happines
s, but you need to start setting down the boundaries.

Judgedontbudge · 30/09/2024 19:27

Oh dear. Sounds like you have several “kids” , the one that you’re on holiday with right now being a teenager. No point trying to talk to him when he’s drunk, that’s for sure. I’d act sweet and nice and normal tomorrow too. What’s the point in ruining your last few days arguing when you’ll likely not win. Sounds like more than just a holiday argument needs addressing here.

ToughTimesDon'tLastToughPeopleDo · 30/09/2024 19:28

I'm sorry you have had to go through this OP, especially on a special birthday trip.
I'm also not a big drinker (with good reason) but my husband does and will go out to drink which I'm fine with. I 100% know that if I asked him to, he would, as he values our relationship and my reasons behind it. I think it's a matter of respect and it doesn't sound like you got much of that from him. He behaved irresponsibly and selfishly on a special trip and I don't blame you for being upset and hurt. If you ask him to stop and he listens to the reasons why, he can choose to either accept it and stop or refuse and carry on. Then it's your decision on where to go from there and if you can get past the hurt he has caused you. Good luck OP and I hope you're feeling better now you are home.

ToughTimesDon'tLastToughPeopleDo · 30/09/2024 19:29

Sorry that should have said if I asked him to stop.

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