Teenage boys

[Revamp]

Not an AIBU, posting for greater response.

Any sage advice?

7 years a single full time working mother (lone parenting) to two teenage boys close in age.

Currently experiencing major boundary testing.

Mood swings and obstinence - due to puberty.

Eating me out of house and home. 😵‍💫

In man size clothing (so everything is becoming so expensive, but the clothing and equipment I buy for them they genuinely need)

Sibling rivalry - in terms of money, behaviour management, attention, affection and praise, etc from me.

Consequences for bad behaviour consists of: grounding, treats and privileges removed, device ban, rewards/incentives (this does not work)

Sleeping a lot more and no longer following/ignoring our normal morning routine, that we've had for years.

Refusal to switch off tech at given time - I am met with anger/lashing out when I switch off/remove device/s.

Both DS's are very bright and achieving reasonably well despite mainly minimal effort.

Some erratic contact with their F over the years, though they receive no actual parenting and practical support from him.

I understand the teeange years are a new and challenging era, however I can't find any reading material/online courses, etc on how to navigate this as a single mother/lone parent. One DS is presenting by far much more challenging behaviour, which has been evident at school much more so than at home. I am seeking external support for him for suspected SEND and SEMH.

Anyone in similar circumstances who can advise, please?

Refusal to switch off tech at given time - I am met with anger/lashing out when I switch off/remove device/s.

I have controls that stop gaming and social media at certain times, also a remote smart app for switches, though these can be switched back on manually. I give at least two chances to come off themselves before switching off. At the moment access has been removed due to refusal to comply with reasonable time limits and rules.

How old are the teens?

Some of the things are normal. Teen sleep shifts so you might need new routines. They grow so need a lot of food. If you look at a guide for calories for an active teen boy it's huge. They have to have clothes that fit.

Mood swings / aggression when turning of tech and testing boundaries is more difficult.

@Frowningprovidence soon to be 15 and 12.5 yo.

Some things are normal. It feels as though food stocks need be replenished near about every second day. Their F has ignored my request for an increase in CM - regular payment is there, though dismal.

I am looking at ways to change our morning routine. It's really stressing me out as we all have a walking commute (I don't drive and have taken up lessons again, boys had bikes but they are difficult and costly to maintain). Mornings consist of them not waking on time, hogging the shower/ bathroom and staring into space on the bed and taking ages dress. And because they have no time for breakfast, I hand them each a brunch bar, which 15yo takes. His brother declines and reckons he's not ready to eat until mid morning (which I believe is affecting his behaviour and mood). It is really starting to wear me down and make me late/rush like mad into work, also them late to school.

That does sound tough. No wonder you are worn down. It's hard doing it alone.

I can't think if anything other than prepping a bit the night before. So making up a breakfast sandwich which coukd be eaten at break, making sure clothes are ready, setting a few timers to aid moving out the bathroom. But I know it's not easy..

In terms of your own stress levels, would your employer let you have a soft start, like arrive between x and y (which you work at lunch or end of the day)

With regards to morning, mine didn’t like to eat early (and I don’t to be fair). Could they have a pack up breakfast (made the night before) that’s they can take to school to eat at morning break!

We have the tech battle with DC15. The phone/laptop have to be in my room overnight on school nights. It’s done with a huge amount of stomping and huffing and puffing but that’s the rule. It’s exhausting to have the same battle every night but you have to be consistent and I would suggest trying not to get drawn into an argument (easier said than done).

The breakfast thing, I would just let go. Don't sweat the small stuff. None of my 3 teens would eat breakfast before school. They all passed their exams and are now working young adults, still not eating breakfast.
Behaviour is the biggest challenge. It's tough. Sending solidarity. DC 1 had an epiphany as they turned 18 and suddenly became a reasonable adult. DC2 is now this age and is improving but it patchy - can also behave like a selfish teen or throw a tantrum still. I am just trying to say there is an end to it, hang on in there x

This book might be helpful, but I haven’t read it yet https://www.amazon.co.uk/Teenage-Brain-Neuroscientists-Survival-Adolescents/dp/0007448317

Thank you @Frowningprovidence A timer for the bathroom is a brilliant idea. Not sure why I didn't think of that before.
School uniform is always ready the night before and laid on their beds every morning.
I will look into what can be prepared the night before for breakfast.

Can you talk to them in a calm moment well away from time pressures like morning rush and bedtime tech cut offs? When I say talk I really mean discuss and negotiate. I have 16 year old twins and it’s been a very long summer since they left school in June so we have had to do lots of this kind of discussion. It’s not completely foolproof, but giving them some responsibility for the decisions made has been largely positive.

An example of this has been give and take over noise first thing in the morning vs noise late at night. They didn’t have to get up in the morning so were happy to stay up late laughing and shouting while gaming. My DH, DD11 and I did have to get up early but our sleep was disturbed by them. They honestly didn’t realise the impact and were more bothered that we were waking them up (unintentionally) when we got up. We discussed how to make both situations better and a somewhat reluctant agreement has been reached and (mostly) adhered to. They are aware that if we are disturbed at night then they will definitely be disturbed in the morning.

Teens can be notoriously self centred, gently showing them another perspective can sometimes be helpful. We are still discussing chores and helping when asked but the situation overall is much improved.

Good luck

I'm a lone parent of 2 too, not quite at the ages of yours but getting there.

Food - can you join a social supermarket type scheme where you can get bags of food on their best before date for a very reduced price?
Lateness to school - honestly at their ages (especially the older one) I'd leave them to it as there are consequences in school for being late.
Tech - lashing out is absolutely not ok from teenage boys, I'd maybe have a serious talk about how women can find male aggression extremely unsettling and they need to find another way to express their frustration.
There is a free online course called 'the teenage years' which I've done. Some nice ideas in there about strengthening relationships (which ultimately is the only way you'll get your boys on side).

Good luck, I hope you find strategies that work. It's so so difficult doing this alone. Ask for support from anywhere and everywhere!

Following along as also a lone parent to a boy though not at teenage stage yet! Just a thought on the breakfast - egg muffins are easy made in a batch, taste great cold and keep for 5 days? Might be a good option to have a batch of them in the fridge so the boys can grab a couple and bring them with them? Could you get them both into a hobby? Ideally one that happens at the same time in the same place so you can get a bit of down time and give them some more screen free time? I know these things can be expensive though...

Are they old enough to work? Even cash in hand with a car wash or local shop type of thing? I would be pushing that as soon as they're old enough because they can use some of that to take the pressure off you for the more expensive things they want and learn responsibility.

I would be telling them that certain things you're going to be stepping back on, such as getting themselves up and out in the morning because they are old enough and as others have said their consequences will be in school if they're late. At the weekends and during holidays I'd be trying to relax a little on your routine, let them sleep in a little longer provided it's not leading to them being up all night. I'd also be expecting them to help and do certain jobs around the house that you think they're capable of... at teenage years they could cook simple meals and help with most chores again taking pressure off you and learning accountability.

Do you have family they like that they could stay with sometimes? Realistically I think it sounds like you're really on the ball already and doing really well so my suspicion is that it's the gradual wearing down of having to deal with it all on your own all of the time that's making you feel depleted? Any way you can carve out some time for yourself? Their father might not be fit to parent them but do they have a grandfather or uncle or even youth worker who they respect and have a good relationship with who could encourage them a bit?

@Grumpysawus I try my best to stay consistent. This is really tricky when you do not have a spouse/partner to back you up and take over/support you. Exhausted by 7 - 8pm and having to give chances and reminders that are ignored/refused is doubly exhausting, then having to switch off devices (DS sneaks downstairs) and or remove them is extremely tiring.

I have some family living relatively close, though they seldom have either DS to stay, though support me in other ways.

DS1 and 2 do have outlets, though not nearly enough. I am focusing expanding these. Along with the taking heed of the advice on this thread to provide calm and short conversations at times outside of those which are causing stress.

@Lavender14 Have been looking for jobs for DS1, which are lacking in our area. It does seem that 17 - 18+ is now the accepted/most common age most are willing to take on young people. 🙄

congratulations - you have teenagers.

many of the things you describe is absolutely normal.

food - growing bodies and minds need a lot of calories. eggs and toastie maker are your friends to fill them up.

sleep - don't insist they get up early at weekends because that's 'your routine'. they need the sleep and their body clock has changed.

devices - we have set up a charging station outside thd bedrooms. after 10pm phones/laptops go there.

boundaries - unless it turns to violence or bullying it's normal and bothing to worry about. sit together with them and talk to them.

🎊😵‍💫

sleep - don't insist they get up early at weekends because that's 'your routine'. they need the sleep and their body clock has changed.

I allow them to sleep in on weekends.

There has been violence/aggression at home re boundaries, unfortunately. I am seeking support for this, through various channels.

Having a charging station outside of bedrooms is a great tip!

It's DS2 who I am battling the most with, mainly at school. Although very bright, he struggles with the school day and has developing SEMH which I am trying to get proper/official support with.

Watching with interest

as you have a walking commute I'd tell them what time you're leaving and then just go and leave them to it

i had to do this in the end and it only took twice of me leaving without them 😂

Taking notes thanks op

A lot of what you have listed is normal

Mood swings - completely normal. Its hormones, growing, confusion etc. They can't help it. How you react to it is the I portent thing here.

Eating - teen boys need more food. They can't help and aren't trying yo test you boundaries. They just need the fuel. What is their diet that you provide like at the moment? People.nay be able to give ideas.

Sleep - teens need more sleep so again they aren't doing anything wrong. If tbey want to stay in bed till lunchtime on weekends why does it matter? If they sleep in and don't get ip in time for the start of school they will have consequences from school.

Man sized clothing - not sure why this is part of the list really. It is to be expected.

Sibling rivalry- again normal, of course they both want you to give them attention
With the money side of things a bit trickier as tbe older one may have more of a social life but at their ages probably not a great deal of difference. How.much money do they get?

Bad behaviour - what are you including in bad behaviour. Is it just things that irritate you or genuinely bad? If you are constantly dishing out consequences for everything it will dilute the impact. Save it for really bad stuff but to be honest talking listening and trying to understand will have a much better impact.

Not getting up on time / morning routine - at their age I would just leave them to it. You say they have a walking commute so no buses, trains etc to catch. I would get up and get on with my day, use the bathroom first making sure there was plenty of time after me for them both to get ready. I would them one shout to get up and then just get on with my own morning. They are both old enough to get up and out the door themselves. They don't need you to lay out uniform etc. If they don't make it to school on time they will have to deal with the consequences of that.

Switching off tech at a set time. This can be tricky, if they are in the middle of an online game with friends and the Xbox or whatever suddenly switches off or you are there telling them its going off now I can see the frustration as they make lose progress etc. What time are you asking them to stop, is it much earlier than their friends, are they getting a chance to finish what tbey are doing?

Breakfast - neither of my 2 boys ate breakfast from about 10 years old, they just didn't want it. I really wouldn't stress about this. If they are hungry they are hungry they will have something but I really wouldn't be making a big deal.out of it. Just make sure there is food available.

I think you need to separate out what is actually bad / unacceptable behaviour and what is just normal. Your OP just comes across as having lumped it all into one big frustration for you. If this is the case then that will be coming over in your interactions with them and life will feel like a permanent battle.

I agree with this.

Have boys of the same age. I do have DH at home and he pulls his weight, so I’m not comparing our situations as I completely accept mine is significantly less challenging. However it does sound as though you are doing a lot of cajoling and supporting. We don’t take away tech at night and other than a quick check to make sure they’re both awake in the morning and have a clean uniform in the house, neither of us get involved in their breakfast, homework, remembering their PE kit etc. We drop them at the nearest bus stops (live rurally with no pavements) but if they missed the bus more than once in a blue moon they would have to work it out for themselves.

15 is a hard age as they’re ‘inbetweeners ’ but I firmly believe that if they want to be treated like adults they have to make an effort to behave like one.

Edited to say that my youngest is a bit older than yours, and on reflection I think I did still oversee tech use at that age.

Man sized clothing - not sure why this is part of the list really. It is to be expected.

I failed to elaborate on this. It's the cost of it that's worrying and hard to keep up with, especially with inflation and the paltry CM I receive. No exaggeration, my teens are growing at a rate of knots!

I have taken this approach in the past. Unfortunately, this has led to trying luck at bunking. Mostly from DS1! I have to lock up and make sure they've left and that all the windows are shut. I've only just began to trust DS1 again with a key and so far he's been repsonsible with it.

This is mostly very normal. The moods, as you say, are part of puberty. I have one a similar age and one older, and can confirm that it passes!
Teenage boys are literally starving half the time. Try to buy cheap healthy snacks that they can top up on. My son can eat half a packet of cheese and crackers at once, or he will start making eggs on toast not long after dinner. He'll often have 3 bowls of cereal in a day, although that's not particularly healthy but I just let him get on with it. He doesn't eat breakfast very often as he's not into eating early.
I couldn't work out how to ban devices from my wi-fi so could only turn it off altogether. It didn't really work because he has loads of data on his phone and could hot spot himself! I did threaten to cancel the contract, which was rolling, but mostly gave up on the technology aspect as he would say he needed to be on his devices for school (which was true but impossible to monitor). They didn't go to bed at a reasonable hour because the teenage body clock doesn't allow for it and they are genuinely not in line with everyone else. Mine both lacked sleep in the week and made up for it at weekends.
All this is a phase. It will pass and then they will leave home and you'll probably miss it!

Really a 15 year old should be able to lock up a house and make sure the windows are shut. So should the 12 year old. If the 15 year old is going to bunk off school he will do it anyway. Again it will be him dealing with the consequences from school. The way you have written sounds like you are still trying to parent them as if they were 7 and 10 rather than an almost teen and a mid teen. You talk about laying out uniform handing them brunch bars. They can sort their own uniform and if they want a brunch bar presumably they know where they are kept in the house so can just go get one. I don't know anyone who would still have this much involvement in stuff like that.

Mine did the morning thing. I confiscated all devices and locked them in a cupboard. They got them back if they got to school on time. I sat back no morning reminders except for 20mins until we have to leave etc.
2 days no devices and now they get themselves up and out