Teenage boys

[Revamp]

Not an AIBU, posting for greater response.

Any sage advice?

7 years a single full time working mother (lone parenting) to two teenage boys close in age.

Currently experiencing major boundary testing.

Mood swings and obstinence - due to puberty.

Eating me out of house and home. 😵‍💫

In man size clothing (so everything is becoming so expensive, but the clothing and equipment I buy for them they genuinely need)

Sibling rivalry - in terms of money, behaviour management, attention, affection and praise, etc from me.

Consequences for bad behaviour consists of: grounding, treats and privileges removed, device ban, rewards/incentives (this does not work)

Sleeping a lot more and no longer following/ignoring our normal morning routine, that we've had for years.

Refusal to switch off tech at given time - I am met with anger/lashing out when I switch off/remove device/s.

Both DS's are very bright and achieving reasonably well despite mainly minimal effort.

Some erratic contact with their F over the years, though they receive no actual parenting and practical support from him.

I understand the teeange years are a new and challenging era, however I can't find any reading material/online courses, etc on how to navigate this as a single mother/lone parent. One DS is presenting by far much more challenging behaviour, which has been evident at school much more so than at home. I am seeking external support for him for suspected SEND and SEMH.

Anyone in similar circumstances who can advise, please?

Sell old stuff on vinted
Buy on there too

I dont think that's right. If a child truants from school, the parents are contacted and expected to deal with it. That is the consequence. It might involve education welfare officers, even fines and court cases against the parent. Not trying to scare op but the do very much expect you to get your child to school, which is why she is presumably doing more that others might.

All sounds hard work, which is entirely normal. Teens are in many ways like giant toddlers; they need constant feeding to have even a chance of regulating themselves, are totally egocentric and are all will and no rationality when thwarted.

Food is easiest to sort. If you make a load of toasties or breakfast burritos with things like eggs, beans and cheese you can freeze them and reheat for a takeaway breakfast to eat on the way or at break. Or making ham and cheese toasties in the morning is quick.

For the rest, the best advice I have had is to listen to the emotion not the words when they are going off on one. And try and respond to that.

I don't mean give in, more "Sounds like you're really angry and annoyed with me..." And once they're a bit calmer, ask them to argue their case. Have a good think to see if they have a point if so, shift your boundary. If not keep it, acknowledging that they might still be annoyed but your reasons still hold firm. They will be adults very soon and they need to practice mature ways to disagree/negotiate. But as their parents, we need to learn new ways too - which is hard!!

The fact you describe them needing new clothes or eating a lot as part of the problem does suggest the issue is with you and your mindset.

Mood swings and obstinence - due to puberty

is it?

i was a “difficult” teen. Everything was put down to hormones, mood swings, puberty. I’d grow out of it.

it meant no one actually listened to me or tried to work out if there was a reason for my behaviour. I was actually suffering from PTSD after a very traumatic event- being a teen I couldn’t articulate and it came out as challenging behaviour.

don’t dismiss teens as difficult and pin everything on hormones. Show some empathy and don’t be oppositional- give them space to talk. It could be bullying, struggling with sexuality or school, even something like a friends confidence that is too much for them to handle

The book 'Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town' is good. A little bit old fashioned now but still useful.

They are challenging at this age - suddenly everything you say and do is unfair and seems designed to annoy them. Evolution has made it so when they are physically mature enough to leave home and have kids, they actually want to go. They start rejecting their parents' authority and listening to their friends more for guidance. Unfortunately they don't leave home at 14 and we have to deal with the evolutionary hangover.

It's a slog so pick your battles. Fighting over little things isn't worth the effort, just relinquish control a bit and let some things slide. Breakfast for example.

And let them take responsibility for getting up and out. If they don't leave on time they face the consequences of being late for school. (As long as school has effective sanctions).

One thing I remember reading that was useful is that they can test boundaries but often don't completely.ignore them. If they do something after a few times of asking or with protesting, or come home 10 minutes late they are still respecting your authority - just in their own teenage way. It's really tiring but keep on trying for the important things.

Sorry didn't notice this is an older thread. Hopefully still useful though. x

Trying this now. It's exhausting.

@GoldLameDarling good luck!