To ask for tips to survive crippling lonliness as a lone parent?

[tearsandtiaras]

I have read quite a few articles that people can die of a broken heart.

As the nights draw in, I am indoors with teenage DD who wants to spend less time for me. I have a very demanding full time job and very little spare cash so not much time to meet people. Her father is an abusive waste of space who has zero contact or £ for 12 years. Most evenings after she retreats to her room i sit and look around and cry.

I am asking for tips to help make the time feel less lonely.

I have no family, so tapping into them isn't an option.

I feel lmy mindset is wrong

What did/do you like to do? Walking? Swimming? Yoga? Cinema?

Do you have friends, or even acquaintances nearby?

I could understand this if you had a baby or toddler (I was a lone parent for a number of years to two from when they were a tiny baby and toddler). I wasn’t working much and after school we were home for the night from 4pm for dinner bath and bed.
You two need to find some hobbies and things you enjoy together. they don’t need to be expensive, your dd is old enough to be left a couple hours if needs be, go and find people. Invite friends over, do film nights. You’re a long time dead so start making the most of things while you’re in your prime.

Go to an exercise class, honestly they appreciate you much more when you’re not always there!! I’m much more popular since I started going out twice a week for lengthy exercise sessions 🤣

If she's a teen you don't have to stay home. Join a gym, a club, a pub quiz night. Do you have friends from work? I'm an SP with two who largely disappear from dinner til bed so I either please myself with the TV or go to one of the above. Please don't feel you have to sit in. I also work ft and it can feel like an effort but if I go to a gym class at 6 I'm bouncing for the rest of the night and much more likely to do something productive or creative the rest of the evening.

Gym.i am in similar situation. My council leisure centre is £25 per month - includes gym,classes and pool. I also go to local running club when I can . I don’t necessarily socialise but the endorphin rush helps me manage my isolation. Is that possible for you? Are you rural/urban? Can you access a leisure centre or are there any health issues are have to deal with?

totally understand this however mine are not teens yet so can’t go out or do anything, everyone says how great being a single parent is but i hate it it’s so lonely and isolating been single and celibate for 7 years now.

I go to the gym in the morning pre work, I don't get home until 7.30 as I have a long commute and then have to do her dinner so there really isn't time.

I see friends when I can.

Yes and its annoying when people say "just go out and get a hobby in the evening/ meet new people". I do not have time or resources.
Also more importantly I am the only important adult in DD life , to provide her with emotional nurturing. If Im not present daily in the evening she will be alone too.

Do you rent or have a mortgage? Can you cut hours at all? Can you move/downsize or cut your outgoings in any way to give yourself some leeway and to work a bit less? More leisure time

Also, don't put that pressure on yourself. If you took one evening a week to yourself it won't impact her at all.

When you say lonely are you lonely for friends or for a partner?

Are you spending the evenings together? Surely she doesn’t need you to sit in the house with her while she’s in her room? M

On the weeknights can you do hobbies by yourself, I'm alone and watch TV, got for walks, listen to music, do puzzles.

Then at the weekend you could go out to an exercise class or join a free walking group etc? There's Bumble friends but I haven't tried that. I've met some friends through work.

The trouble is i don't have energy for puzzles etc as I have a very demanding job with long hours then horrible commute then dinner with DD. I would like a partner to spend a bit of time talking to in the odd hour before bed.

As you said early in the thread it sounds like you need to shift your mindset a bit. It sounds a bit like you are making excuses as to why you can’t socialise, get out more - perhaps after years of staying in while your daughter was younger it’s hard to readjust? I’d start small - could have someone over to yours one evening for dinner? try a different class in your gym? For years I went to the gym but was too nervous to try the classes. Eventually I did and they were fine. It gave me confidence to try other new stuff like a hiking group.

Would you try dating? Sounds like you might have time at the weekends. I’ve been trying it recently and I enjoy meeting different people, even if I don’t feel a spark it’s interesting and a chance to get out of the house.

If you like pets- how about trying 'borrow my doggy' website and take a dog out for a walk now and again- a good way to meet people and you can even bring your dd and you will meet the people whose dog you walk.

Unfortunately there isn't a magic wand OP and you need to put in some effort to get a result. I doubt your daughter wants you crying alone every night while she scrolls her phone.

If you want a partner, then start online dating or join things where you meet people.

I think she'd be better off with a happy mum who's around most nights than a miserable mum (even if you're trying to hide it) who's around every night.

Could you phone friends in the evenings? Meet for a drink or a pub quiz?

Are there any options for a change of job, to give you more time?

I am a single parent but my DD is only 8. I have no living siblings or family so I totally understand you on this. It’s just me & her. She sees her Dad for 9 hours a week on a Saturday daytime.

I am focusing on strengthening my friendships ready for when she’s a teen. I am not against a relationship but I won’t just accept any old frank the tank! I wfh currently but I find it so isolating so I will change this in the next 5 years.

I am also planning on joining the local leisure centre for gym/classes etc & will look into the local W.i. I will plan things with friends too. I think forging out a life for yourself is the only option.

It’s hard. I actually love being single but it’s because she’s still young i guess. I’m aware this will change though.

Can you try any of the following:

• you both do something in the evening like have a movie night or cooking night or make something for the home or clothes or a bag so you are not just in separate rooms

• invite her friend and her friend's mum over for tea, invite anyone over

• get a job closer to home or move to be closer to work

• agree with work that one night a week you will leave an hour earlier and reduce your lunch break by half an hour on two other days to give you one evening when you can get home earlier to do something

• socialise with anyone you work with at lunchtime

• both do the gym or something in the evening and start and finish work earlier

• she will probably enjoy feeling she can go out too if you also do so one night a week, especially if you invite her too

• agree on anything you can do together one night a week which involves other people like a pub quiz

• get her to join something even taking her there and back might give you a chance to chat to another parent and you can always have a night time picnic taking a flask of something warm

• do something more social at weekends and make an effort to join groups then, it can be something low effort like parkrun or meetup and see if you can build more friendships from there

Make yourself be creative about changing something. You have to make it happen much as you do in your job or any other area of your life. How do you spend your weekends?

Try to do creative saturday classses and hobbies . What do you both do on the weekend, is the girl a loner also?

Op you do seem a bit woe is me, you’ve asked for help but you’ve a reason why none of them will work without trying. If you just want to moan a bit that’s fine but if you want to change things like you said you have to have a different mindset and try out the suggestions.

You could teach your child to cook, they can start prepping and cooking some of your meals while you’re on the commute on some of the days. You could meal plan, prep and batch cook together if you have freezer space say one Saturday a month freeing up your evenings.

Regardless of your job, if you genuinely don’t have the energy to even do a jigsaw after work then I’d be looking at getting some blood tests done, you may have a deficiency in vit d, iron, b12 all of which can make you feel exhausted. Do you take vitamins?

I strongly suggest you don’t date/seek a partner while you feel like this, it’s never a good move if you’re looking for someone else to fix you up/make life enjoyable/meaningful.

I was similar OP, and I get it, even though she's a teenager it doesn't feel right to leave her alone. I was the same especially around making sure that I cooked and we ate together. And as teenagers their plans are constantly changing so having to work around this can be challenging, especially when you feel as though they're missing out on a lot of the normal family life of their friends and you're feeling you're having to compensate.

It is very different now she's gone off to university and I feel as though I have so much more freedom. While she was here I think I focused much more on what I could do at weekends rather than in the evening, just simple things like getting out and about with friends for a walk and a coffee didn't cost very much. I guess theoretically I could have dated doing this too, though I wasn't really that bothered!

I found it much more isolating being a single parent of a teenager than I did when they were younger and it was much easier to get groups of them together. When they become teens friendships are decided by themselves so you're not necessarily going to be friends with the parents.

You're not helping yourself with this mindset.

She is a teen - more than capable of sticking a pizza in the oven for herself for dinner one night a week.

I completely understand that you're her constant, but presumably she goes to school and has friends? Therefore she is not alone all the time. You've also said in your OP that she wants to spend less time with you, she will cope with you being out of the house for a fee hous in the evening.

Do you have friends that you could invite over for dinner? Go to the cinema with?