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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I keep quiet or call him out?

37 replies

Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 09:42

Morning,

Bit of a long one but need some advice on this.

So I met a group of friends at meet up with our mutual interest hobby. And we all became great friends and carried on meeting nearly every week for many years. 2 married couples, and me and another guy (we both have partners but not involved in the hobby) we socialise a bit but the two married couples lived near each other and struck up a friendship, so they see each other more.

We’ve got couple X with the pain the ass husband but lovely wife
Couple Y who are lovely who I and everyone gets on with.
Me
And another chap

Over the years, one of the guys from one of the married couples has become a bit of pain. We’ll call this couple X. He has back problems, so doesn’t work (he won’t do anything to help himself either), relies on his wife who has her own serious medical issues. She works full time with a second job to support them. She also has become close friends with the other woman in the group. The husband X can be rude at the hobby get togethers, especially to me and some of the hobby get togethers he ran made people in the group depressed and angry - myself and the other couple Y discussed this and other issues and how he puts pressure on his wife to buy things and basically run their life.

When he has been rude to me I won’t put up with his BS and call him out on it. He’s always trying to ‘win’ and criticises people’s decisions in the hobby. His wife has also said they’ve lost friends because of his behaviour.

My partner goes away a lot on work, and I’ve even said to them, oh I have a free eve this week if you guys fancy watching a film. And they’ve not responded and then seen each other and hung out. It’s happened a few times.

I’m not sure whether: a) it’s completely innocent and as I live in another city (30 mins drive) they might think it’s a chore or b) it’s intentional because I’m the only one who calls him out on his BS and if I socialise more with them it might cause more awkward situations.

Couple Y thinks the same as me and find him hard work, but because the two women are close friends, they tolerate him.

I’m starting to feel left out and a bit pushed out which is making my feel a bit depressed because I keep saying I’m free, and they don’t always invite me over.

The question is, do I express my feelings about this and ask the couple Y if there is any issue why I’m not getting invited. Has wife X expressed me not to be their because she doesn’t want a wedge driven between the friendship group as it’s happened before.
Or express to the whole group that I feel left out.
Or shut my mouth and suck it up. I’m also friends with husband Y and thought maybe dropping him a word.
Or speak to couple Y, apologise for snapping at husband X and say I’ll keep my thoughts to myself in future for the groups sake

I’m a nice person btw, honestly! We all pretty much get on. I’ve started a small business venture with couple Y also. Who regularly complain about him when it’s just us together. The other chap in the group is completely obliviously to it all.

Also AIBU to call his behaviour out?

OP posts:
skilpadde · 28/09/2024 09:53

Oh, people who 'call things out' can be insufferable. They're almost as bad as the 'I say it as I see it' types.

How do you think you're coming across to others?

Maybe 'calling him out' and 'snapping' at him means that you come across as rude as he is, and your fellow hobby-goers wish you could be more diplomatic and just focus attention and energy on the actual hobby. Maybe they find ignoring him works.

Or maybe they just don't want to socialise with you outside of the hobby.

SauviGone · 28/09/2024 09:55

I think I’d need a example of his BS and what exactly you do/say to “call him out on it” to decide, but on the face of it nobody wants unnecessary friction in what is supposed to be an enjoyable hobby group.

Maybe if you could watch your interactions with him back, you come across as much of a pain in the arse as him.

Avatartar · 28/09/2024 09:59

Spread your wings and find other friends in addition to these people. Join other hobby groups , perhaps they have family or other friend commitments mid week, or are simply tired from work or are working late into the evenings

HelenTudorFisk · 28/09/2024 10:05

You can’t have it all ways, OP. Call him out if you want, but that will make things inherently more awkward in the group - you can’t be then surprised if people back away from you to keep the peace.

vincettenoir · 28/09/2024 10:08

You’ve done nothing wrong in calling out the fella in couple X when you have disagreed with his comments. Well done for that.

But you may be right in your assumption that that has led to you getting less invites. Or it may be as a result of you living further away. Or just the fact that couples hang out together and sometimes exclude single people (I know you aren’t actually single but you get my point). I know that none of these reasons are fair reasons for couple X and Y not to always decide to include you. But in any case, they are meeting up without you from time to time.

I think you are onto a loser strategising ways to being included more. You can’t control other peoples choices. It also sounds like you’ve got plenty going for yourself, so I would try not to worry about missing out on the odd dinner party/ evening in the pub. Especially with people that it sounds like you see relatively frequently, in any case.

SallyWD · 28/09/2024 10:08

Honestly, it sounds exhausting! Not what I'd want from adult friendships. I'd just let them get on with it and probably back away from the group a little. I wouldn't want to spend so much time with someone who annoyed me to that extent, even if the others are nice.

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2024 10:09

You don’t like husband x and have made it clear by calling out his bs, fair enough, but you can’t then expect him to want to come to yours or to invite you to his. What do you expect from him? To ignore your calling him out and include you in everything? Bit hopeful!

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:12

He’ll constantly criticise something I did or have said. Couple Y have noticed this as well, and they spoken about this to me,
I’ve tolerated it for years, kept quiet but when I recently had a difficult time in my life, couldn’t deal with having to adapt my behaviour because of his poor behaviour. If someone is going to critise me or put me down in front of other people. I will call out bad behaviour. Don’t you?

Maybe they don’t, but we also do. It’s just more recently.

OP posts:
HelenTudorFisk · 28/09/2024 10:16

Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:12

He’ll constantly criticise something I did or have said. Couple Y have noticed this as well, and they spoken about this to me,
I’ve tolerated it for years, kept quiet but when I recently had a difficult time in my life, couldn’t deal with having to adapt my behaviour because of his poor behaviour. If someone is going to critise me or put me down in front of other people. I will call out bad behaviour. Don’t you?

Maybe they don’t, but we also do. It’s just more recently.

I mean, yes. I would call this out. I wouldn’t then expect to socialise with said person, and to be honest, nor would I want to.

MissUltraViolet · 28/09/2024 10:16

Good on you for calling him out on his shitty behaviour, you are well within your rights to do so.

But...they are also well within theirs to decide that spending time with you makes things awkward/uncomfortable due to possible tension or more falling out.

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:17

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2024 10:09

You don’t like husband x and have made it clear by calling out his bs, fair enough, but you can’t then expect him to want to come to yours or to invite you to his. What do you expect from him? To ignore your calling him out and include you in everything? Bit hopeful!

Maybe your right, one option was to shut up and suck it up. I don’t want to come over as someone who is a push over and accepts people’s rude behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:18

MissUltraViolet · 28/09/2024 10:16

Good on you for calling him out on his shitty behaviour, you are well within your rights to do so.

But...they are also well within theirs to decide that spending time with you makes things awkward/uncomfortable due to possible tension or more falling out.

This is my thoughts exactly

OP posts:
IntheVicinity · 28/09/2024 10:18

What exactly are you ‘calling him out’ about, though? Being verbally unpleasant during your hobby sessions, sure, why not? His marriage is his own and his unfortunate wife’s business, ultimately, unless you think she’s actually being abused — in which case, don’t ’call him out’, talk to her, privately, though it would come better from the other woman, who .

But if by ‘calling him out’, you mean, asking him why you don’t get invited over when you’re tell them you’re free, or why the other four don’t accept your invitations to drive to another city to watch a film, no, that would be deeply unreasonable. You say yourself that the two married couples are closer to one another, geographically and in friendship terms. You already see one another regularly for the hobby. They don’t need to justify not including you every time they meet! And yes, your behaviour to him is likely to have contributed as well as your geographical distance — but do you really want to spend time with him socially if he’s so awful, anyway?

Bestyearever2024 · 28/09/2024 10:21

Why can't you socialise with couple Y (sometimes)? Just the 3 of you?

What does other man think of it all?

Why do you want to socialise with couple X as the husband is so awful?

EYP2021 · 28/09/2024 10:21

Have they only recently started excluding you or has it always been this way?

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:21

IntheVicinity · 28/09/2024 10:18

What exactly are you ‘calling him out’ about, though? Being verbally unpleasant during your hobby sessions, sure, why not? His marriage is his own and his unfortunate wife’s business, ultimately, unless you think she’s actually being abused — in which case, don’t ’call him out’, talk to her, privately, though it would come better from the other woman, who .

But if by ‘calling him out’, you mean, asking him why you don’t get invited over when you’re tell them you’re free, or why the other four don’t accept your invitations to drive to another city to watch a film, no, that would be deeply unreasonable. You say yourself that the two married couples are closer to one another, geographically and in friendship terms. You already see one another regularly for the hobby. They don’t need to justify not including you every time they meet! And yes, your behaviour to him is likely to have contributed as well as your geographical distance — but do you really want to spend time with him socially if he’s so awful, anyway?

Edited

Call him out - if he’s directly rude to me

OP posts:
SallyWD · 28/09/2024 10:21

Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:17

Maybe your right, one option was to shut up and suck it up. I don’t want to come over as someone who is a push over and accepts people’s rude behaviour

Show quote history

It's good you're calling him out. So you should! However, he probably doesn't like you and probably doesn't want to hang out with you. I'm surprised you want to spend time with him, really.
Can you suggest a dinner out with the two women, or do their husband always have to he there?

LadyMinerva · 28/09/2024 10:21

Why would you want to spend time with someone like that? I would much rather enjoy my own company. Reading books, learning new things....

It sounds like they are all a package deal. If I were you I would either find some other friends or learn to enjoy my own company.

ExtraOnions · 28/09/2024 10:24

People like that I just say “thank you for your feedback” and nothing else … they are looking for an argument, and they can’t argue if you give them nothing to work with.

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:24

Couple of things

When he’s not like this, he’s ok and generally pleasant to be around. It’s just these particular times he’s rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:27

And in the past I have ignored it

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 28/09/2024 10:28

Is he trying to banter with you or is he just out and out critical? If it's the former I suspect he fancies you. Especially if he isn't abusive to his wife. Personally if I found someone that annoying I would move on to a different group or do the hobby alone if that's even possible.

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:31

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 28/09/2024 10:28

Is he trying to banter with you or is he just out and out critical? If it's the former I suspect he fancies you. Especially if he isn't abusive to his wife. Personally if I found someone that annoying I would move on to a different group or do the hobby alone if that's even possible.

Ha! I don’t think he fancies me. It’s critical, it’s the kind of hobby you can’t do on your own

OP posts:
RubyOrca · 28/09/2024 10:33

The two couples are friends - they do this together outside of the hobby.

You and the Ys are friends - you do things together outside of the hobby.

There’s some other bloke who seems to only mix with the group through the hobby.

It sounds like you want to do stuff outside the hobby with the Ys and X-woman, while excluding her husband who is also part of the hobby group. You feel left out if they socialise without you. I understand feeling left out, but they are a couple of couples Wii like to do this together - it’s not likely that they’re trying to exclude you, just that they enjoy doing stuff together. Just like you enjoy doing stuff with the Ys.

You need to find other groups/people to form friendships with so you aren’t so reliant on these two couples.

Original poster
Dogsarebetterthanfolk · 28/09/2024 10:35

RubyOrca · 28/09/2024 10:33

The two couples are friends - they do this together outside of the hobby.

You and the Ys are friends - you do things together outside of the hobby.

There’s some other bloke who seems to only mix with the group through the hobby.

It sounds like you want to do stuff outside the hobby with the Ys and X-woman, while excluding her husband who is also part of the hobby group. You feel left out if they socialise without you. I understand feeling left out, but they are a couple of couples Wii like to do this together - it’s not likely that they’re trying to exclude you, just that they enjoy doing stuff together. Just like you enjoy doing stuff with the Ys.

You need to find other groups/people to form friendships with so you aren’t so reliant on these two couples.

Yeah, tbh he’s ok at times. And I make a massive effort to ask him about his life.

its just after all this effort, he still comes across as critical

OP posts:
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