Do I keep quiet or call him out?

[Dogsarebetterthanfolk]

Morning,

Bit of a long one but need some advice on this.

So I met a group of friends at meet up with our mutual interest hobby. And we all became great friends and carried on meeting nearly every week for many years. 2 married couples, and me and another guy (we both have partners but not involved in the hobby) we socialise a bit but the two married couples lived near each other and struck up a friendship, so they see each other more.

We’ve got couple X with the pain the ass husband but lovely wife
Couple Y who are lovely who I and everyone gets on with.
Me
And another chap

Over the years, one of the guys from one of the married couples has become a bit of pain. We’ll call this couple X. He has back problems, so doesn’t work (he won’t do anything to help himself either), relies on his wife who has her own serious medical issues. She works full time with a second job to support them. She also has become close friends with the other woman in the group. The husband X can be rude at the hobby get togethers, especially to me and some of the hobby get togethers he ran made people in the group depressed and angry - myself and the other couple Y discussed this and other issues and how he puts pressure on his wife to buy things and basically run their life.

When he has been rude to me I won’t put up with his BS and call him out on it. He’s always trying to ‘win’ and criticises people’s decisions in the hobby. His wife has also said they’ve lost friends because of his behaviour.

My partner goes away a lot on work, and I’ve even said to them, oh I have a free eve this week if you guys fancy watching a film. And they’ve not responded and then seen each other and hung out. It’s happened a few times.

I’m not sure whether: a) it’s completely innocent and as I live in another city (30 mins drive) they might think it’s a chore or b) it’s intentional because I’m the only one who calls him out on his BS and if I socialise more with them it might cause more awkward situations.

Couple Y thinks the same as me and find him hard work, but because the two women are close friends, they tolerate him.

I’m starting to feel left out and a bit pushed out which is making my feel a bit depressed because I keep saying I’m free, and they don’t always invite me over.

The question is, do I express my feelings about this and ask the couple Y if there is any issue why I’m not getting invited. Has wife X expressed me not to be their because she doesn’t want a wedge driven between the friendship group as it’s happened before.
Or express to the whole group that I feel left out.
Or shut my mouth and suck it up. I’m also friends with husband Y and thought maybe dropping him a word.
Or speak to couple Y, apologise for snapping at husband X and say I’ll keep my thoughts to myself in future for the groups sake

I’m a nice person btw, honestly! We all pretty much get on. I’ve started a small business venture with couple Y also. Who regularly complain about him when it’s just us together. The other chap in the group is completely obliviously to it all.

Also AIBU to call his behaviour out?

The two wives are closer friends with one another than they are with you. Wife X isn't going to exclude her husband in favour of you is she, no matter how much of a berk he is, so you're naturally going to get left out if you and husband X cause friction.

You're not wrong at all to stick up for yourself, but the result of that is naturally going to be you not being invited to group activities that include husband X.

Personally I'm too fucking old for this sort of shit, I grew out of enjoying dramatic and difficult friendships in high school. Maybe time to find a new hobby group and broaden your social horizons a bit?

You are right to call him out if he is being rude to you, but this isn't going to endear you to him. He isn't going to want to spend time with someone who is criticizing his behaviour. It is obvious why you aren't included.

Shut up and put up I think

Probably also worth considering that if they (couple Y) are complaining about him, to you, and then spending a lot of time with him, they may well be nodding along if he’s complaining about you.
Food for thought.

When you’re in the middle of a situation, it’s difficult to get perspective from the outside.

is it him? Should I shut up? Should I call out the behaviour?

and we all do socialise outside the hobby

OP if someone is rude to you on a regular basis, inviting them round to watch a movie is then giving a mixed message.

It's basically giving them permission to carry on - and the others may also be seeing this and confused/ not want to help you keep giving the mixed message - so exclude you instead.

Be clear about your response when husbandX is rude, set boundaries of what you will and won't accept in advance, and follow through on what you will do in reponse if he is rude (maybe leave early instead of snapping back).

If you do this constiently without being rude or angry they will all see they risk losing you and value you more.

Ok so, we all go to Couple Ys house to engage in this hobby. We get a takeaway usually and have a laugh. Most of the time it’s fine. He also complains a lot if the ‘hobby’ isn’t going his way,

The question really is. Do I carry on calling him out or just shut up and put up,?

I think it depends what you want to happen in this situation. If you want to be a close member of this group, then yes, you just deal with the annoyance (although as you have already addressed it, it might be too late to pull back now). If you keep on challenging him, then you will be less close to these friends and you should maybe consider expanding your social circle.

Maybe try a different method than calling him out? As a pp said, just blank indifference is usually better to shut people like that down. If he's spoiling for a rumble, you just going "thank you for your opinion" flatly and then moving on will probably take the wind out of his sails quicker than arguing with him?

It maybe easier for his wife if he doesn’t socialise with you - she maybe embarrassed by him (secretly pleased you call him out), embarrassed that she is married to him - or she may get the brunt of his behaviour when they get home! An exBF used to do this - someone would call him out, or make a joke he didn’t like and I would be punished when I got home! Normally silent treatment to me or things being thrown as he ranted about ‘how dare xxx say/ do that to him.’

Maybe she wants a quiet life 😔

Of course. Why wouldn’t you?

But you’ve muddled it up with lots of extra stuff about not being invited to stuff the two couples do together outside of the hobby. It sounds as if he puts up with you because you need people for the hobby, just as you put up with him for the sake of the hobby. Neither of you likes the other much.

Therefore he doesn’t necessarily want to see you outside the meetings where you are actually required for hobby purposes.

Does the other guy, the one who isn’t in either of the couples, always get invited to social occasions when they’re not specific meetings for the hobby?

The word ‘hobby’ is starting to look weirder and weirder the more I look at it.

Ha! It’s a completely innocent hobby but requires getting together on a regular basis. It’s a nerdy gaming hobby.

No but he tends to not come for the takeaways and because of his job can’t always make it