To ask how do you make peace with your looks?

[RubyTuesday10]

Genuine question so please be kind. I’m 46 and have always had low self esteem particularly with regards to my appearance. Boys were pretty mean to me at school and I think I’ve become over reliant on external validation - need compliments and attention that doesn’t come when you hit a certain age!

I find myself loathing my face especially now lines are starting to appear and I get so depressed when I see younger, more attractive women, especially if men are lusting after them. If dh finds another woman attractive, usually celebrity women, I can’t seem to rationalise that it’s normal, I see it as one more reason why I’m not good enough. He went to see a stunning female singer in concert and it really upset me - why would he want me now he’s seen better?!!

I avoid going out and also avoid sex because I feel so ashamed of how I look. I realise that no-one else feels like this really so please don’t call it silly, I genuinely would like to know how other women come to terms with how they look and not feel affected by women they perceive as ‘better’.

I really think the way to embrace your looks is to celebrate and work with them. Avoiding going out and doing things likely means you avoid pampering and taking care of yourself and that’s only going to make you feel worse.

Do your hair nicely, drink water, moisturise, take care of your appearance, wear clothes that make you feel good not slobby.

I really think the way to embrace your looks is to celebrate and work with them. Avoiding going out and doing things likely means you avoid pampering and taking care of yourself and that’s only going to make you feel worse.

Do your hair nicely, drink water, moisturise, take care of your appearance, wear clothes that make you feel good not slobby.

I had a little wobble in the last year or two, especially as some friends are using Botox (which I don’t want to do) but, TBH, I think I look nice for the age I am (early 40s). There’s no point in trying to compare our looks now with younger women or our younger selves and we just need to be who we are.

On the plus side, DH is ageing too and I am 100% sure that he is still attracted to me and CBA with having an affair etc (he is just looking forward to retirement). People also take you at your own estimation so, if you show DH that you think you’re unattractive and avoid sex, this isn’t going to be good for your marriage.

Spend some money on therapy. You can't fix your perception by yourself, you need help from a psychologist or counsellor who knows how to.

It is a mindset really, and how you view yourself. That is not easy to change, and will be shaped by how people have treated you in life. I have no advice really, I have struggled with certain things myself. One thing I would say though, is that I think that I am worthy of having nice things, such as good food, nice clothes etc. I take care of the body I was given. I do not shy away from my reflection, is what I am trying to say. If you don't love yourself, then it shows.

I think you need to speak to a therapist and build yourself up. Feeling insecure is hard, but you can't let it dominate your life to this extent.

I'm not affected by how others look that much because I don't think they are 'better' than me. I just think 'oh she looks nice'. We're all individuals.

I know how you feel OP - I was bullied for my looks at school and as I grew into them I got a lot of male attention in my late teens/early 20s, which I became very reliant on to feel good about myself. There were still things I disliked about my appearance such as my big nose and thin lips but I was able to mostly ignore them when I had men hitting on me all the time.

When I hit my late 20s and started to age I did not handle it well. I had a bulimia relapse and the weight loss made my face look even worse. I ended up getting quite a lot of subtle tweakments in my early 30s which I never thought I'd do but I was very happy with the results. I get that having work done isn't for everyone but it really helped me not obsess about my face as much. And yes before anyone tells me, I'm well aware that I'm still young and it will only get worse.

About your DH finding other women attractive - you really do just have to accept it. Everyone window shops. I used to get very upset about this with exes when I was younger but I'm more relaxed now and as long as DH isn't lusting after someone he actually knows I don't care. I look at other guys on TV and think they're fit all the time so I'd be a massive hypocrite to get pissed off.

Go have sex with your husband! Turn the lights off if you have to. It will probably make you feel a lot better.

I bet you are stunning. I always think that we are our own worst critics. Whenever I feel sad about getting older (I'm 51), I always remember something in one of Roald Dahl's books where he writes about the fact that someone can have the wonkiest teeth, the strangest looking face, sticking out ears, etc., but if they are a kind human, their face will be beautiful nonetheless. I have seen beautiful young women on public transport who look like they've stepped out of a magazine but then you hear them start to talk to their friends you sometimes realise there is nothing going on in their heads and they have no sense of humour. Not always the case but sometimes. Let your inner light shine out of you and you will always be beautiful, whatever your age. I am resigned to the fact that I won't ever be twenty again but I have so much more confidence now. I was also picked on at school by boys for having a flat chest and a funny looking nose. I let it worry me for years. Now I don't care.

Would you consider Botox? I started having it for my facial lines and it's made a huge difference to my self esteem.

I wonder this myself OP. Someone recently look a photo of me that was absolutely horrific and shattered the mental and mirror images I have of myself. To be fair I was working in a river at the time so not exactly the most conducive circumstances to a good photo, but it really upset me and since then I've been spiralling about my appearance. I wanted to cut off my face!

I've always thought I looked really odd, deformed even. But in this pic not only did I think I looked odd, I looked old and odd.

I had a fair bit of attention in my 20s, even had men come up to me and ask for my number (I ended up in a relationship with one, he was really sweet, not a pick up artist) and was told I was beautiful, but I never truly believed that they believed it. I just can't see it. I think I'm hideous. I'm in my mid 30s now and avoid men so I've no idea if I've still 'got it' or not.

There isn't any one thing 'wrong' I feel I could change, it's the general proportions of my face. I have a deep bite which gives me a weak chin so I've been considering orthodontic treatment to fix it. Because it causes other issues I've been offered it on the NHS, but they said there's no guarantee it will actually fully correct the bite. I wouldn't do botox or anything like that as I don't think it really improves anyone's appearance, to my eyes it just makes them look like they've had botox.

I wonder if I have body dysmorphia as I look at everyone else and think they look normal, it's just me who looks like a freak. If I see a photo of someone with a facial deformity or injury I still find myself wishing I looked like them instead of me! The voice in my head tells me that it's not BD, though, I'm just really bloody ugly.

I hate that I'm so vain as to give any of this a second thought. Why does it matter? Who cares?

I think there's a very strong chance there's nothing wrong with your appearance but instead, your brain is zooming in on perceived flaws that have been reinforced in your mind for years, that nobody else notices. Deep, deep down I know there's probably nothing wrong with mine either. Perhaps look into therapy to try to work on this. I intend to myself once I finish EMDR.

It's not your looks you need to embrace. It's the whole you. You need to work on your self esteem. You need to feel good about who you are, not just what you look like. It sounds like you look to others for validation, which is giving your power away. Take it back. Have you ever told yourself you have value and are a good person? It sounds weird, but telling yourself you are amazing (even if you feel daft doing it) helps you feel better if you do it consistently.

When I look at photos of myself when I was younger I look so much better than I thought I did at the time. So I’ve realised I’m never going to look as good as I do now again, because aging is inevitable, but it’s also a privilege, not everyone gets to get old. So I try to be thankful for my body and embrace my aging self and try to enjoy it while I can.

Does sound like therapy might be useful for you.

I usually don’t agree with suggesting therapy for every little thing, but in this case I do think therapy is warranted. You seem utterly obsessed with it and it’s ruining your life. This is definitely needs professional help.

Well I am who I am what I look like is not up to me but what I was born with so why fight it and do things to myself that makes myself look different by faking it, it just looks fake

Posture,posture,posture,posture,posture-work on that.

Since I got sick I don't care what I look like anymore. I just wish I had my old imperfect body back.

Ageing is a gift not everybody gets, we should all be grateful for every day we have on this planet as so many people are taken too early, from illness or horrific situations.

whenever I find myself being critical of my appearance I remind myself how lucky I am to just be alive. Let alone have a pretty healthy functioning body.

Not everyone is blessed with that and to have just the basic functions like eyes that can see, ears that can hear and legs that can walk is a huge blessing.

also, at your funeral no one is going to be saying “well X had fabulous legs I’m going to miss them so much” or “it’s so sad her beautiful head of hair is gone”

Theyll be talking about what a great, kind, funny and giving person you were.

Im very average looking , and have had my fair share of people who’ve found me attractive and those who very much have not! I have had a few wobbles over the years about features I don’t like (along the lines of big nose or weak chin or lack of cheeekbones etc) but for some reason I’m just not that bothered and never have been. I have always assumed that the reason for this is that my father thought I was the bees knees and my mother was reasonably positive about my appearance so it just cemented in a reasonable amount of deep down confidence. It makes me wonder if your parents undermined your confidence in some way, or just didn’t affirm it, so it’s more an overall confidence/self worth thing ?

I went and had a look at an old class photo, I was bullied for being ugly, I had acne and uncontrollable curly hair, this was the 90s when straight hair was the thing. What I found interesting is that the popular kids who were considered the attractive ones were just as weird looking as the rest of us. I too like many grew into my looks, got attention during that golden period of 19 to 26, then from about 30 all my vanity fell off a cliff and I genuinely don’t care, just make sure my clothes are descent and only look into the mirror to make sure I don’t have toothpaste on my face, it’s liberating.

One thing I find helpful is just to look at people when your in a crowded high street or in an airport, anywhere where there is LOADS of us milling about. You soon realise just how many humans there are, that we are not unique and we don’t stand out as much as we think we do, it’s quite humbling and makes me forget about how I think I look, as no one cares, and just concentrate on living. We are only important and only noticed by those that know us and this isn’t forever, so just enjoy what you enjoy and forget the looks.

For me it's making the most of what I've been given, be that exercise, dressing nicely, I do get aesthetic treatments too though I appreciate that's not for everyone.

In terms of how I manage knowing there are many, many more beautiful women than me, well there are many many beautiful men but I don't know any of them like I know my husband. I can appreciate a handsome man but that doesn't change my opinion of my husband, I covet that he's my husband, attraction is a lot more than purely looks and it's deeper than just visual, intimacy is more than looks. The fact Henry Cavil exists does not mean I can't appreciate the attractiveness of my husband and I want to see him at the end of the day, not a man I don't know, not even HC! And I guess I just assume my DH is the same, that he sees lots of beautiful women, sees they are beautiful I am sure, but he loves me, finds me attractive, and loves being with me for more than just my looks.

I remind myself that I am a role model to two DDs - it doesn’t matter how much I tell them how beautiful they are inside and out of in the next breath I am bemoaning my wrinkles or grey hair or flabby belly. So I never criticise myself in front of them, never comment on people’s looks and try to be the strong confident female role model that they need.

I also try to remember, as another poster said, ageing is a privilege. When my mum was my age she had less than 10 years of her life left, but didn’t know it. If she had known would she have spent her time worrying about how she looked and what other people thought of her?

Do you take care of yourself in general?
Do you eat well, prioritise good sleep, take regular exercise and make time to do things that you enjoy?
Do you spend time in nature, do something creative on a regular basis?
Get good dental care, have medical check ups, regular haircuts?
Do you invest time in friendships that make you feel happy?
Do you wear clothes that make you feel good?
Are you constantly learning new things that stimulate your mind?
These are all things we can do regardless of how naturally blessed we are with our looks. So if you aren't doing them already you could work on this.

“I get so depressed when I see younger, more attractive women, especially if men are lusting after them.”

This isn’t something to aspire to, men will lust after anything with a pulse. Learn to love yourself. You are enough. You don’t need a man’s dick to affirm you.

This is your body, your one and only body. It's the one that allows you to live and experience it all. Focus on on appreciating that instead of any so-called flaws. I've never liked vanity, and when I was young I thought I would be bullied for looking at my reflection, as " get her thinking she's all that", so from a very young age I stopped checking my reflection when out. Now partly that aligns with my values, and it was born out of a negative context, but it's given me such freedom. I have a lot more body confidence in the absence of constant checking.

You need to work on what’s going on inside so you don’t give a flip about the way you look. You also need to realise that actually most people
arent that attractive when you go beyond the make up, heavy styling, cosmetic surgery etc.