To ask how do you make peace with your looks?

[RubyTuesday10]

Genuine question so please be kind. I’m 46 and have always had low self esteem particularly with regards to my appearance. Boys were pretty mean to me at school and I think I’ve become over reliant on external validation - need compliments and attention that doesn’t come when you hit a certain age!

I find myself loathing my face especially now lines are starting to appear and I get so depressed when I see younger, more attractive women, especially if men are lusting after them. If dh finds another woman attractive, usually celebrity women, I can’t seem to rationalise that it’s normal, I see it as one more reason why I’m not good enough. He went to see a stunning female singer in concert and it really upset me - why would he want me now he’s seen better?!!

I avoid going out and also avoid sex because I feel so ashamed of how I look. I realise that no-one else feels like this really so please don’t call it silly, I genuinely would like to know how other women come to terms with how they look and not feel affected by women they perceive as ‘better’.

It sounds like you need some form of counselling tbh as with this mindset nothing will ever seem good enough.

I'm sure your DH is lovely but it's unlikely Taylor swift or whoever is coming to break down the door to jump on him.

We have a short time on earth and it's daft to spend it worrying about whether your face looks wrinkly or not. We all end up as dust. Enjoy it while you can.

Look back at pics of yourself ten years ago - you probably felt bad at the time but now think you look young and glowy. You'll do the same ten years from now about how you look now.

Insecurity can be a comfort mechanism - I can't possibly put myself out there until xyz happens, I need to be thinner/more beautiful/have more friends etc. it's a reason to keep yourself in a box.

Mostly by accepting myself as I am and that I am good enough. I'm pretty great as a person really (took me years to accept/see that) and I have some nice features. I don't need validation from others anymore and they can take me as I am. I do have a few wobbles here and there anymore , but overall I just don't care which is extremely freeing, less wasted time and I get to enjoy some things more (like clothes) because I wear them for me rather than fashion/what others think or like.

I think those of us who care (I do) find a way to get perspective. We teach ourselves that how we look is only one part of our life and only one contributor to our happiness. We actively work on distracting ourselves from the preoccupation, looking outward, focusing on the what the external world has to offer rather than on ourselves. So, for example, when you have sex force yourself to be in the moment. Concerntrate on how your partner looks to you, rather than the other way round, and the things that youre doing. Step away from the mirror (reduce the number of mirrors you have if you cant) and do something else that gives you joy.
Work on noticing things about other people that isn't to do with their looks and avoid feeding your obsession by poring over media that centres appearance, or over pictures of yourself.

Your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

Any photo of yourself that you hate I can guarantee others look at it and just see you; no one else is criticising or analysing in the same way.

Do you judge everyone you meet by how their features are arranged? Of course you don’t. You notice whether they’re smiling / warm / approachable / kind.

You remember people by how they make you feel, not by what they look like.

Confidence comes from within. Cheesy but true! So work on that. Get therapy, get some hobbies that lift you up, spend time with people who make you laugh and support you.

Get off the insta model pages and follow some body confidence people on there instead. Em Clarkson is a great one for this.

Be kinder to yourself! Fretting about how you look is such a waste of life and truly, the only person it’s affecting is you.

Oh and those women are not “better” than you. Please don’t believe that.

As an overweight 6'1" woman who had never place. What were look like it's irrelevant been conventionally attractive, I find that I don't worry about my appearance much. I think this is because I genuinely don't think it is that important. It is important to be kind to people and try and make the world a better place and what we look like is irrelevant. You have a husband who loves you. How hard it must be for him to love you and have you hide away and not want sex and not want him to even go to a concert with an attractive singer. He literally chose to spend the rest of his life with you. Why not just celebrate that. Have your looks changed drastically? You said you were bullied at a school. You still fell in love and got married so what is there to feel insecure about. There are very beautiful women who are single and who worry that men only date then because of their looks. To me that would be far more burdensome. Stop looking in mirrors unless you have to and try and practice some Gratefulness daily, for your health and your partner and all the other blessing you have. And also try and think of those with disfiguring conditions and disabilities who have had to rent all their lives on being liked for their personality and not looks. If more people took this approach to life there would be a lot less depression and anxiety in young women( and men)

sorry for typos.

You need therapy, OP, to work on your limiting beliefs about yourself. Those are your issue, not your appearance.

It has literally never occurred to me that someone is ‘better’ than me because she’s prettier. I am extremely plain, and 52.

Get therapy. Life is too short to hate yourself like this. I'm sure you look absolutely fine. Being beautiful doesn't guarantee love in your life; it just guarantees attention.

So what if your husband is lusting after a celebrity? He's never going to have a chance with her! Don't compare yourself with celebrities; most of them have very troubled lives.

Sometimes I feel a bit sad about ageing, but then I think of my friends who have died in the last few years (all in their early 40s) and realise how lucky I am.

All the people I love aren’t supermodels, they’re regular, imperfect humans. Their faces are their faces. I don’t think “if only they would fix them so I can enjoy them more”. So I apply that to myself.

People are attractive when they’re happy, funny and feel good to be around.

Something that helped me was realising I was looking in the mirror with a critical, cold, or just neutral expression on my face. It dawned on me that I wasn't looking very nicely, so wasn't looking very nice!

It was very hard at first, but I tried relaxing my expression, first by thinking of e.g. my cat or my DC then pretending I was looking at them. Then my face looked much friendlier and I began to see myself as loved ones see me. As a whole, rather than individual features compared to celebrities etc.!

It was difficult and took practice, but now I feel better about my looks. Though still upset by photos catching me unawares, so it's not a complete cure.

By the way, if your DH comments on other women's looks, that's really not going to help. That's pretty objectifying and insensitive. Do you comment on other men's looks in front of him regularly?

I was always obsessed with my looks in my teens and twenties. I probably was (am?) fairly conventionally attractive and scrubbed up alright, but I couldn't handle it if I thought anyone was prettier than me. It would absolutely consume me. In my own personaly story, I became a Christian in my 30s and that kind of highlighted a lot of room for growth in my personality. I guess I started cultivating an internal beauty that I felt had much greater gravitas. In the end, I thought about how people make me feel when I'm around them. I love gravitating towards warm, kind, caring, compassionate people and thinking about people who made me feel safe, seen and nourished hit some kind of spot inside so much more charged with positive emotion and powerful memories than looking at a beautiful person. I just decided that it wasn't important and my only real objective, looks wise, is look my best. Not anyone else's bests or better than anyone else. I want people who know me to think 'Darkdiamond always has time to listen' and for strangers to think 'she had a friendly smile' etc. There is nothing wrong with grooming yourself, enjoying make up and clothes or getting your nails done, but one's looks need to be contained within a box that is only a part of who you are. There is an inner me that has a lot of love to share and I want that to be my beauty. This is just my experience, but I do think at at a certain point you have to make a decision to look at your face and acknowledge it for what it is and decide from onside that it's just one small part of you, and it actually just the packaging. The true gems are inside. I know this sounds like 'it's whats on the inside that counts', and it sounds glib when you're suffering with insecurity about your looks l, but it is true. You're far too good to be fixated on your looks.

@RubyTuesday10 when you say ' If dh finds another woman attractive, usually celebrity women, I can’t seem to rationalise that it’s normal, I see it as one more reason why I’m not good enough' - how do you know he finds them attractive? Is your DH making comments about other women's appearances?

I had an ex who was constantly commenting on other women's bodies and ogling them, which was one of the things that triggered such a deep insecurity.

Get counselling. This has never occurred to me. I'm no beauty but I scrub up well. I just always accepted what I was. You need to too. Looks has little to do with it, it's your low self esteem that needs addressing.

Plus, have you looked around? Walk down the high street. Most people aren't good looking. I only see a few naturally beautiful people each year. Many other people are well presented, work with what they've got. Many are plain, literally. Very Rare for me to see anyone ugly/grim.
You've lost perspective.

Yes. It's not actually normal (or if it is, it's not very nice) to be commenting on women's looks at all, yet alone in the company of your partner.

If you've grown up with males commenting at school then have a partner who's commenting on women's looks also, no wonder it's on your mind so much and you feel so self-critical.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful comments x

Yes, particularly not as a good 70% of their appearance is from enhancement - heavy make up, hair extensions, editing apps and filters.